When I was 25 and working as an editor at an art magazine in New York City, I came down with a mysterious illness. For several weeks doctors couldn’t figure out what it was – test after test revealed nothing, despite my worsening symptoms: searing headaches, blurred vision, twitching, aching muscles, extreme fatigue, severe nausea. Once a long-distance runner, I didn’t have the energy to walk to the mailbox or lift my arms to brush my hair. Riding Metro North for an hour to my job in the city and working 50 hours a week was out of the question, so I took a leave of absence from work and moved back in with my parents.
Each night, limbs splayed, window open to the stifling August heat, I’d lay gripping the sides of the twin bed in my parents’ guest bedroom, paralyzed by the fear that I was dying. I was convinced I’d be dead by the end of the year. In my mind there was no other explanation – no one, I reasoned, could feel like I did and survive.
The absolute low point was the night I crawled into my parents’ bed and slept between them. I was 25 years old and sleeping with my mother and father like a three-year-old.
I eventually recovered from the illness, but the fear of death that had dogged me since childhood and intensified during the year I was sick never abated. More than ten years after that illness, married and the mother of two children, I continued to lay awake nearly every night gripped by the fear of death.
“With His death, the power of death over us is no more,” I heard Pastor Sara exclaim yesterday during Easter service, and as she spoke those words, I nodded yes, yes. It’s true. I believe it now.
I still think about dying from time to time, but not the way I used to. I don’t obsess over it any more. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, sheets balled in my fists, eyes wide at the ceiling. Nor do I believe that when I die, I will simply cease, that my body will be put into the ground, end of story. While I can’t quite envision what eternal life will look like, on most days I believe in my heart that it exists.
It may be that you know someone lost, unmoored, hopeless. Someone who feels the talons of death grip tight. Someone who doubts or downright doesn’t believe.
It may even be that that someone is you.
My story isn’t dramatic or exciting. There’s no sky-splitting, fall-to-my-knees conversion. I never heard the voice of God or felt the presence of Jesus come suddenly into my life. I didn’t escape death or overcome insurmountable odds. This transformation from fear to hope, from death to life, unfolded slowly and uneventfully over a period of years. Truth be told, it’s still unfolding, this process of God replacing my heart of stone.
I pray you know that hope and truth in your heart, too.
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Your mysterious illness sounds like Fibromyalgia or Chronic fatigue Syndrome. My hubby Robert was poisoned and his immune system went haywire and the Dr diagnosed him with Chronic fatigue. He had to close his business, sell everything and we moved to the woods where we are now. He still fights fatigue, but at lease he can walk from one room to the other. Death does not cause either of us fear for we know where our destination is after we leave this earth.
Glad you are better and can minister to others including your family.
Beautifully written, Michelle, with your characteristic honesty. So thankful you recovered from your long illness and that you also recovered from your long battle with fear. Fear is a formidable foe and there is nothing quite so dark as dread–I've been there. I am so thankful that you have come to know the release of faith and trust in God's ability to keep you safe in the hollow of His hand, whether in this life or the next!
“I didn’t escape death or overcome insurmountable odds.”
Yes, I'd have to say you have overcome insurmountable odds by escaping both death and the fear of death.
And the fact that, “this transformation from fear to hope, from death to life, unfolded slowly and uneventfully over a period of years,” is both a greater testimony to the reality of that transformation, and a story that more people can relate to and apply in their own lives.
Michelle, God has given you a wonderful testimony of His resurrection power!
You've lived a full life, Michelle. I love how you share it here and encourage us.
What a powerful story! The resurrection gives us such hope that we can overcome whatever holds us captive. I am so thankful that He is a Healer, thankful that in heaven there will be no fear or pain. Oh, death where is your sting?
Michelle–Your story is anything but mundane. I can't help but think how viscerally Jesus wants us to understand He is real, how He bared His side to Thomas so that he could reach in and essentially feel His beating heart! Our Jesus will do anything…anything to convince us He is alive and real, including taking charge of your fear of death.
Glad for you and for Mondays…
My husband's aunt just passed away the weekend before Easter. She was 95 and a strong believer. What an amazing thought to think that she was celebrating Easter IN PERSON this weekend! You are so right – We Have HOPE and it changes everything!! Thanks for your post. 🙂
My dear friend, there is no better story. Salvation is a working out process…and must continue daily…so glad that I'm free along with you.
i love when you write about your early faith, your conversion.
Thanks, Kendal. Happy week to you, friend.
I like that: salvation is a working out process. So true! Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back for me, but I press on!
To live in this: “free from the power of
death. With His death, the power of death over me is no more” —more than we could ever hope for, and yet HE freely gives even more in Grace…Forever I stand in awe.
I thought a lot about my mother-in-law and father-in-law yesterday. In fact, I said to my oldest son, Noah: “I wonder what it's like for Haukebo and Papa to celebrate Easter with Jesus in person?” We marveled over that thought for a bit.
Thanks for stopping by, Michelle…
Thank you, JoAnne – grateful for you, too, my dear.
I love how you put that, Lyli: that the resurrection gives us the hope to overcome whatever holds us captive. Lovely, lovely way to state that!
Thanks, Amy – happy {belated} Easter to you! Every day is Easter, really…
Thanks, Joe. I do like that about my story: that it's an everyman(woman)'s story – I think the lack of drama does help people relate.
I hope you had a wonderful and joyous Easter with your family, Joe!
You are exactly right, Hazel – it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Back then, the illness was not well-regarded and had a bad rap. It's since become more accepted as a real illness by the medical community. I was ill for a full year; a very long, slow rcovery. So yes, Robert and I have that very much in common, and I'm sorry he suffered through it, too. I still have a weak immune system — I catch every single cold the boys bring home!
Thank you, Robert.
Thank you for your beautiful comment, Shaunie – love you, girl!
No conversion story is mundane.
Michelle, this is the first time that I am linking up with you. Glad to be linking up. You story sounds so familiar to mine (in some ways) as I have a chronic illness as well…it can change ones perspective (in a good way…at least for me). I have had to go through a grieving process of my “former” life and accept my “current” life…but, I believe God has a purpose for this…we all face trials and struggles…Anyway…I just wanted to introduce myself, and let you know that our stories sound “familiar” friend. I just blogged about “He Gives Me Strength”. Thank you for the encouraging words, and I look forward to sharing, reading and learning more.
Erin @ Chronic Christian Crafter
To give us hope…
And your story does just that, Michelle. Thank you for sharing another piece of yourself with us. Our stories don't have to be dramatic to be effective.
The whole service yesterday was so totally uplifting! I know my parents were both celebrating with Jesus and looking down on me and my family! I am not afraid of dying…I just am not ready! I know I will be reunited with them in heaven, but I have so much to do here on earth yet, God willing!
What a frightening time for you and scary way to live too. You are so right about hope. a much better way of living I would say. So glad you shared your story with us today
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for your moving and honest post. He rose again to give all who trust in Him a reason for hope.
Blessings,
Laurie Collett
http://savedbygracebiblestudy.blogspot.com/
Hi Michelle 🙂
I've always found death to be a strong word. And a mysterious one. Every time I hear that someone died, it never fails to stun me. I'm not sure if it is out of fear of death, but it's the thought that someday, I'll also be in that position.
Your story of conversion is not ordinary. The grace of God came upon you and rescued you from that fear. And He did that so that you could share your story with us… that life after death exists because of our Lord Jesus Christ. Our faith in that beautiful truth is what will rescue us from the fear of death, or any fear. 🙂
Thank you so much for your honesty, Michelle. Your posts always give me something to ponder on. 🙂
Belated Happy Easter and God bless! 🙂
I know that fear. Deeply. I know that sheets-in-the-fist feeling. Thanks be to God, death has lost its sting.
I saw the amazing transfer in my sister as she passed away in January. She was unresponsive for two days…and as she died, she smiled such a beautiful smile as she…saw Jesus? Heaven? Was released from pain and suffering! All of the above? As painful as it is without her in my daily life, I am strengthened in my belief of what is to come! Peace!
Amen.
All stories of being saved are precious, spectacular, remarkable, a blessing. I loved how you set up this lesson.
IMHO: You were 25 years old — your whole life ahead of you. I would have been scared too — 🙂
I have this Christian friend who has always testified that she's ready to meet her Savior, anytime. I can't say that I always feel that way — I have a selfish desire to live longer — to see my nieces and nephews grow up a little more — have children — with that said, I'm not scared, but I ain't ready. Plus, I would miss your blog. *winks*
I was going to say exactly what Megan said. Exactly. No conversion story is mundane. Or ordinary. We have an extraordinary God, and He made an extraordinary you. And I'm glad.
Oh no no no, I am so not ready to go that far! With you on that one, H-girl!
Love you big-time, Diana! Your sister's story gives me so much hope.
I know we share a similar fear as part of our past — makes me feel an even stronger kinship with you, Jennifer!
And thank YOU for your Easter text — you know, because I am the owner of the fancy and very rare flip phone, that I rarely text. But I was loving you back and SO grateful for you in my life!
You are right, Sandy. And I couldn't be more grateful, or astounded, by the miracle of God in my life!
Hope, truth, and freedom from the power of death. Sounds pretty exciting to me!! Happy Spring to you, Michelle – reveling in all that wonderful hope.
Megan, sometimes I think we were separated at birth – and about 30 years! My thoughts, exactly. NO conversion story is mundane, least of all, yours, dear Michelle. LOVE this story, every 'ordinary' bit of it.
I'm back again because Diana G's story reminds me of a dear friend who passed on at 95. She loved GOD and fought valiantly for Him in our town when “post modernism” began creeping into the Christian churches here.
She also battled to give Him glory through years of pain and eventual blindness. As she was dying in this world, she grinned wide and proclaimed, “Oh, the infinite universe!” We can only imagine the tour GOD was taking her on as she was escorted to Heaven.
Not mundane! I found this post very moving!
Michelle – I want to again thank you for the Lenten devotional. I used it every day. And thank you also for posts like this one, helping me find grace in everyday life – even what you think might be mundane (though it's not)!
Thank you for sharing this testimony. Liberation from fear, and especially from the fear of death, is indeed an important part of Christ's accomplishment for us in cross and resurrection. I love the stories of Christians dying with joy on their faces, and I want to be in their number when the day comes.
Your story strikes close to home, as your description of your health crisis resembles my lupus flares in striking ways. Though I was a believer at the time, it was still frightening and humbling to feel that death was near (though it wasn't).
May the Lord keep freeing you from all that binds and receive you into His presence with great joy and readiness when the time comes.
You speak the truth, sister!
Thanks, Diana – love you.
You are most welcome, Kim – and thank YOU for stopping by with your kind words.
I was tested for lupus when I was sick, the symptoms matched so closely (as you pointed out). I'm sorry that you suffer through such a difficult illness. I pray that God continues to to give you hope and peace during your flare-ups and keeps the disease in control and at bay, dear friend.
Thanks, Sylvia!
Wow, what an incredible story, Connie – thank you for sharing it here. Diana G. is a very good friend of mine. The day she told us how her beloved sister smiled as she passed from this life to eternal life, I felt such hope and peace – and what a gift it was to Diana and to her sister's husband and kids to know that Suzi was entering into the most abundant love and joy.
SO happy to see you here, Laura. It's been a rough winter for you, I know — but spring is here and breathing new life and hope into all of us!
I know what you mean about being stunned by the loss and shock that comes when someone we love has died, Irene. I do totally get that. Even though it's been 2 months now, I still feel shocked some days to think that my father-in-law is gone.
And blessings to you, too, Laurie!
I tell ya, Jean, it was no fun to live with such fear and dread – a weight has been lifted from my life!
I said the same thing to Noah on Easter: “Isn't it amazing to that of the celebration Papa and Haukebo are having with Jesus in Heaven today?” But I know what you mean, too — just because I don't fear it as terribly as I did in my past, I'm still not exactly leaping at the idea of dying!
You are so right…thanks for coming by, Lisa.
There is grieving of the former life when one has a chronic illness, isn't there? That part is so, so hard. But I know I came away from my illness with a new perspective – once I was able to do some of the things I loved again, like walk and run, I appreciated them so much more.
I'm so glad you have linked up this week, Erin – I am looking forward to popping by your place to say hello!
I love how positive and hopeful you always are, Connie — such an inspiration and a joy.
Thank you for your prayers. The last two years have been challenging, but it could be so much worse! Chronic illness is its own spiritual discipline, I'm finding. God is gracious.
I can't imagine how frightening that must have been, Michelle. I'm grateful you are healthy and well now. What touched me tremendously is that image of you sleeping between your parents. What a wonderful, tender gift.
They took such good care of me, and they were afraid, too, of what might be wrong. But we clung together and came through it together – I am grateful for how much they loved me and cared for me that year.
What you said, “With His death, the power of death over me is no more.” is the Easter story in a nutshell! I'm so glad your faith story is still unfolding!