A few years ago, when I felt the first inkling of belief, I assumed I was set. I figured once I’d experienced my official “conversion,” I’d be home free, transformed, smooth sailing for eternity.
As with most everything else in this journey so far, I thought wrong.
Believing in God, it turned out, was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. The real conversion, I’ve since learned, takes place continually, incrementally, from that first moment and in every moment forward. Come to find out, there are a lot of backwards steps in the process of conversion, too.
Benedict called this continual conversion conversatio morum – the conversion of life. Author Jane Tomaine explains the concept this way:
“While stability calls us to remain, conversion of life calls us to change and to grow, to be transformed by the Spirit. It has an outward dimension and an inward dimension. Outward behavior or attitudes change as well as the inner self. God works with both dimensions…Conversion of life is a process where, again and again, we recognize that we’ve turned from God, we listen to how God is calling us back, and we take action to return to living a gospel life.”
Conversion isn’t instantaneous. It doesn’t happen overnight or in a split second. It’s a lifelong process. A two-steps-forward, one-step-back kind of journey.
Case in point:
A few summers ago I got mad at my neighbor. For weeks he’d parked his pick-up truck in front of the flower garden that sidles along our picket fence, right next to the street. Day after day I couldn’t run the sprinklers, couldn’t weed or deadhead or prune, couldn’t even admire the blooming lilies and bee balm and phlox because his big ol’ truck was in the way. “This is ridiculous,” I fumed to Brad. “I can’t even see my own garden. All I see is his stupid, ugly, red truck. Why can’t he park in his own driveway?!”
I plotted revenge. I decided I would confront my neighbor about the parking issue, and when (of course I assumed when, not if) he refused to move, I planned to yank weeds, toss them into the back of his truck, flip on the sprinkler system and watch as the bed of his pick-up turned into a muddy, glumpy mess.
Of course you know what happened, right? When I marched over to confront my neighbor, he couldn’t have been more gracious.
“I’m so sorry about that,” he said immediately. “We are about to resurface the driveway, would you mind if I parked the truck there just a few more days?” Not only was he pleasant and apologetic, he also took the time to show Rowan how the fountain in his front yard pumped water. And he invited us inside for a tour of the remodeled kitchen. And he offered free three-day passes for Brad and me to use at his son’s new gym.
Needless to say, I was properly humbled. I’d forgotten one of Jesus’ most important commandments, second only to love God. I’d forgotten to love my neighbor. I needed a re-do, and now God was calling me back for yet another chance to live a gospel life.
True conversion requires that we continually prepare our hearts for transformation. We continually strive to make God, rather than ourselves, the center. But it’s not a day-long or month-long or even a year-long process. It’s lifelong. A true conversion of life.
What about you? Do you ever feel like you should be “done” with your transformation by now?
On Fridays during Lent I am re-visiting (read: rewriting) a series called Blogging Benedict that I wrote a couple of years ago. I am using the text St. Benedict’s Toolbox: The Nuts and Bolts of Everyday Benedictine Living as my guide.
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Do I “feel” as if I should be done? Of course. Do I “know” I’m not there yet? Of course. Paul talks about his life in Christ as a race to be finished…one day 🙂 I think of this as more of a journey than a moment in time. All I could think about reading your post is this: “he who began the good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6).
Love that verse, Gaby – I find great hope in it.
Blessings and a joyful, peaceful weekend to you, lovely friend.
“I plotted revenge. I decided I would confront my neighbor about the parking issue, and when (of course I assumed when, not if) he refused to move, I planned to yank weeds, toss them into the back of his truck, flip on the sprinkler system and watch as the bed of his pick-up turned into a muddy, glumpy mess.”
Oh, yes, we must be soul-sisters:).
Anger parked it’s big red truck reight in the middle of your soul and threatened to block the garden flowers of grace, love and compassion. God bless your neighbor for his grace freed you to tend the garden of your soul again.
Yes, conversion, maybe it is the moment by moment turning toward the sun, the yes, repeated in each and every second, to the grace and humility, the fall, of surrender, the dying that comes before the bloom.
Wow, beautifully stated, Kelly – you could turn that into a blog post in and of itself!
Conversion is, indeed, a life-long process. When I look back and see how far God has brought me thus far, I look with eagerness toward the future, wondering in what new ways He will guide me, mold me, use me.
Blessings, Michelle!
Looking back is really helpful. Sometimes I can’t see how far I’ve come until I look back five or six years – then it all looks like a miracle!
Well Michelle, I don’t feel I should be “done” with my transformation…..but I feel I should be further along it than I presently am. Sometimes I feel I’m two steps forward…three steps back! Sometimes the simplest practices of Christianity take me so long to grasp; to feel ‘victorious’ in. It is a daily battle, that’s for sure. But I’m learning that I very often try to master things in my own strength, rather than depending on the strength of The Master. It’s all a work of Grace, isn’t it?
Maybe that’s what I meant – that sometimes we feel like we should be further along…or that perhaps we shouldn’t be taking as many steps back as it seems we are.
And yes, yes, yes, Amen to GRACE!
Your humility, sharing the darker ideas that roll through your mind and heart (and somehow seem hilarious), inspire all of us to live more honestly before God and one another. I am working on an article, and this story would work well as an illustration. May I quote you, giving you full credit for your unloving retaliation scheme?
Yes, I would be honored – thanks, Ann!
* edit: “inspires”
Yea and amen, from one slow-converter to another. Yes, it is a lifelong process, with lots of bruises and bumps along the way. But God is amazingly gracious, and sometimes, so are neighbors with big ugly red trucks. :>)
Yup – he was kind and gracious and I was eating my bitter words. A good lesson for me…
Hugs to you, Diana…
Last year, during RCIA, one of the services I had to attend was the Call to Continuing Conversion. I just thought that was the coolest.
i love the idea of conversion taking a lifetime. it certainly rings true to my experience.
oh, and i’m glad you made a friend instead of an enemy. stepping outside of myself and into someone else’s perspective is always the way i learn love, too. like the One who became like us in every way . . . perhaps, yes. like Him.
Oh Michelle,
Such a truthful person you are. I don’t believe we will be fully “converted” here on earth. We are in a process. Just as a Scripture speaks something to me today – it will speak something different to me tomorrow. We are being molded slowly carefully.
Just love how God taught you this lesson.
Blessings
Janis
Thanks for stopping by. I love this picture and the bokeh in the background. Love how neighbor things turn out. We had a similar experience. 🙂