Funny how God works sometimes. As I read and write about St. Benedict’s vow of obedience this week, God is teaching me the lesson of obedience in real time.
Jane Tomaine notes that the Latin root for obedience is obaudire, “to listen thoroughly.” She points out that in his Rule, Benedict describes obedience as both listening and responding:
“Those who practice obedience set aside their own concerns, plans, and tasks, even going so far as to leave work unfinished in order to respond quickly to the request. The requested action would be completed without hesitation, almost at the same moment the request was made.” (from St. Benedict’s Toolbox: The Nuts and Bolts of Benedictine Living)
When I check my phone on Monday, I see a message from an unfamiliar number. It’s Lelia. Turns out, one of the speakers on the agenda for her conference this weekend has a family emergency and can’t make it … might I be able to speak in her place?
I say yes.
Let me tell you, one of my greatest fears, second only to throwing up, is speaking in public. I would rather visit the gynecologist and get a mammogram and a root canal and my legs waxed all in the same day. I would rather stand in line at the DMV every day for a month straight. I would rather clean hard water deposits off my bathroom faucet and my neighbor’s bathroom faucet and her neighbor’s bathroom faucet with a toothbrush. I’d rather do just about any other dreaded task over speaking in front of an audience.
But I say yes. It’s so obvious I should say yes that I don’t even think about it. “No problem,” I tell Lelia. “It’ll be totally fine, I promise.”
Then I hang up the phone. And Freak. Out.
The funny part about this story is that only hours before, I’d griped to Brad about how I needed to line up some speaking engagements. Not that I want to line up speaking engagements, mind you, but I realize speaking is part of the territory: published writers are expected to speak. Some days I wish I lived in the 19th century so I could hole up in an attic like Emily Dickinson and just write without worrying about the platform-schmatform and social media and whether I should wear pants or a skirt when I speak in public.
“It seems like all these speaking opportunities seem to drop right into other people’s laps,” I told Brad that afternoon. “I don’t get it.” He’d shrugged. Clearly he didn’t get it either.
After I got off the phone with Lelia and was catatonic on the couch in primal freak-out mode, Brad reminded me of our conversation earlier in the day. “Hey, you just got a speaking engagement dropped into your lap.” Not to be an ingrate, but I’d been thinking more along the lines of “dropped-into-my-lap-with-four-months-notice,” rather than “dropped-into-my-lap-with-four-days-notice.” God is clever like that sometimes, isn’t he?
Oddly, in between bouts of catatonia and feverish PowerPointing, I am also feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. Part of me knows that everything will be fine, just like I told Lelia. There’s something liberating about being so hopelessly out of control and in over your head. There is serenity in knowing I can’t possibly do anything but hand it entirely over to God.
So that’s what I am doing. Being obedient. Handing it all over to God – the worry, the insecurity, the fear, the queasiness. Trusting that he will be right here with me, teaching me what to say (Exodus 4:12).
So tell me, when’s the last time you were hopelessly in over your head? How did God set your heart and mind at ease?
I would so deeply appreciate prayers for my friend, the one who was originally scheduled to speak, who is dealing with a family emergency right now. And also, while you’re at it, that I might keep my head on straight, not succumb to primal freak-out and, above all, convey God’s message to the ladies at the Refresh My Heart conference this Saturday. Amen. And thank you.
This post is part of my Friday Lenten series called Blogging Benedict. I am using the text St. Benedict’s Toolbox: The Nuts and Bolts of Everyday Benedictine Living as my guide.
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I’m praying for you and the other speaker…you’ll be fine! Can’t wait to hear you speak at Jumping Tandem!!
Thanks, Mary. Speaking is not my forte. The silver lining is that it increases my dependence on God – always a good thing.
God has such a sense of humor. 🙂
Praying the talk itself is as easy as securing the assignment was …
“Be careful what you ask for,” are the exact words my husband used. I had to laugh.
Thanks for your prayers, Christie.
Ah, so this is the story. And yes, I’ve been catatonic with fear many times, very familiar place, actually. I don’t have that huge fear of public speaking, though I get plenty of nerves. Plenty. And they are necessary, actually, most especially when preaching or teaching the Word of God. (Please imagine those last three words in bold print, oversized, accented with gold). Because it is an awesome and terrifying thing to stand in that place, we SHOULD be nervous. You’re right where you belong, Michelle. The peace underneath it all will carry you through. And of course, all these prayers on your behalf!!!
Much love, Diana. Thank you so much.
Well said, Diana. My dear brother-in-law is a pastor and he says the very same thing. That the day he speaks the Word of God, with no fear OR sweating, is the day he’s in big trouble. He takes his place behind the sacred desk more seriously than anything else in his life. God bless all who speak the Word of Truth with fear and trembling! It’s an awesome responsibility and privilege entrusted to them by God. No higher calling than that.
Michelle,
I’m going to need to go back and read your series on Benedict, because obedience to His Will is something I’m taking seriously this year. I needed to read this; this message was for me.
Thank you. Peace and good to you, in Jesus’ name.
Dear Lord,
Cover this vessel as she carries Your Word. Let us see the goodness in this change of plans and let all be well, in Jesus’ name,
Amen
Actually, this is the only Benedict post on obedience – the others are about different parts of St. Benedict’s Rule. That said, obedience has been a big word for me this year, too — I am practicing living it out .. it’s not always easy.
And thank you so much for the prayer, Chelle.
The last time I was in over my head? When I somehow missed an all-important e-mail from my publisher about some things, lots of things, I had to take care of that week and we were leaving the next day for my husband’s high school reunion! Boy! Did I ever have to kick it into high gear and trust that the Lord was in it all. Needless to say, I was in the panic mode, but everything fell into place, including other writers agreeing to review my book on a very short notice.
When all was said and done, I felt blessed!
I’ll be praying for you and your friend, Michelle!
I’m perpetually tardy, it seems–word on the street is that your talk was amazing. It’s been an honor to pray for you and for the friend whose slot you covered.
MacDaddy & RiPPa – You both had coilplemng posts on Troy Davis today. I hope that all villagers head over to your spot to see the passion and power of your protest today…
What stunning photography!!! Im absolutely blown away by your captures. We had the pleasure of working with Cari and I have to say its gals like Cari that make our job so worthwhile! It was a dream working with her and Im so chuffed to see that she had such an amazing photographer for her special day! Thank you so much for your kind words above and congrats on a stunning wedding portfolio, your work is inspiring. xxbonzie