He drops the bomb at dinner, over meatloaf and baked potato: “I think I might be in a not-believing-in-God stage.” My heart sinks. “Really?” I ask, peering at Rowan around the vase in the middle of the table. “What makes you think that?” I try to sound casual, nonplussed.
“I just can’t get over the idea of being dead,” Rowan explains. “It seems so weird to think that once you’re dead, you’re just gone, like, not existing at all.” Now he’s trying to sound casual. But his eyes are wide, unblinking. He stares at me hard across the dining room table, holds my gaze. I can tell he is afraid.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, spooning sour cream onto my potato. “Everyone doubts sometimes, everyone wonders about God and death and everything. It’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah!” Noah pipes up. “I had my not-believing-in-God stage all the way until the start of fourth grade. Then after that I was fine.” I’m not sure I knew this, but I nod vigorously anyway, like Noah’s example is proof that everything will indeed be okay.
I’m still thinking about that dinnertime conversation a few days later, though, when I read the story of the road to Emmaus. I’m having trouble with verse 16:
But God kept them from recognizing him.
Two of Jesus’ followers were walking together, three days after his crucifixion. Jesus appeared alongside and began to walk with them, but they didn’t know who he was. Not just that they didn’t recognize him, but that God kept them from recognizing him, the text reads.
I don’t like this verse. I search Bible Gateway for other translations, hoping for a different interpretation. Nearly all of them translate the verse the same way or very similarly.
Why? Why does God keep the men from recognizing Jesus? I wonder. Why would God intentionally keep us from seeing him?
I wrestle with the text for days, reading and re-reading the story. And while I’m not sure I get an answer to the why?, I finally realize something important. It’s true, Jesus is exasperated by his followers’ disbelief. But instead of throwing up his hands and walking away, he begins to teach them. Again. From the beginning. He starts way back with Moses and the prophets, and he points out each and every instance in which the Bible paves the way toward his resurrection.
When his own disciples doubt him, when they waver in their faith, Jesus brings them back to the Bible.
He brings them back to him through the Bible.
It’s only later, after Jesus has been revealed to them in the breaking of the bread, that the two disciples realize this. “Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” (Luke 24:32), they say, astounded. The Scriptures had stirred their hearts to God’s presence; their brains simply needed time to catch up.
There’s a lesson in here for all of us.
When we are lost, when we begin to doubt God, when we can’t see him, even when he stands right in front of us, we need to return to his story.
Open the book, Jesus says. The proof is right there.
And so, even though Rowan’s declaration of doubt takes my breath away, and even though I’m terrified he’ll suffer a lifetime of questions and uncertainty, much like me, I do what Jesus does with his own wanderers. I bring Rowan back to the Bible.
And we begin again.
And a quick note: Kim from Kim’s Country Line won the free copy of Matt Appling’s book Life After Art. Kim, Rowan picked your name from the bowl this morning — congratulations! I sent you an email – please email me your mailing address so Matt can mail you your copy of his book!
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Thank you Michelle. I had just the same issue with my son having doubts this weekend and I was desperately searching my Bible for some guidance. So your words are an amazing answer to prayer for me today.
I’m not sure there is one right and perfect answer or solution. I think letting them know that it’s okay, that it’s normal to have doubts and it’s okay to question is a good start. Later that night before bed I also told Rowan that if he ever wanted to talk more about it, that I’d love to try to help him sort through it all. He brushed me off — clearly he didn’t want to talk about it anymore — but I think just letting them know that you are willing to listen is a good and comforting thing.
not only the best lesson for the little guys….i find myself in rowan’s seat from time to time….
Oh for sure, Kendal. I told Rowan I STILL doubt, even after 20 years of unbelief and coming back to God, I still have moments/hours/days when I think, “Really? ” There’s some comfort in knowing we aren’t alone in that.
it is good to finally not be alone huh.
As scary as doubt can be, it forces us to make our faith our own. No role-playing there…
We talked about doubt yesterday in church as well. We decided that it is helpful to go back through times where God seemed particularly close to remind ourselves that this is only a phase, a season. We also decided that continuing to meet with his people helps because we may be doubting but there will be someone there who is going through a great time with God and we can watch and be reminded. And we talked about fake-it-until-you-make-it times when faith and feeling are gone but facts (Scripture, creeds, experiences) remain so you keep going as if everything is fine until you arrive at another moment where faith, feeling, and fact align. I think we all are there often.
What a powerful story, Michelle. And we begin again…so thankful for the chance to begin again!
Wowsa. You did well to handle that bomb like you did. We don’t always have to know what to say; just listening and loving and pointing back to Jesus are always wonderful answers in themselves. Your boys are precious.
This brought me to tears. Because Jesus is ever so patient with us. When we fail, when we doubt, when we succumb to apathy. We may not see Him but He’s always there! Thank you for sharing!
As I was reading this today, I was reminded how difficult I always found that same line in the story. And, like you, I wondered why God would keep them from recognizing Him. As I was praying over this portion of scripture one morning, asking for wisdom to understand it better, He helped me to see the reason: If they had recognized Him on that road, then they would have been so focused on the fact that He was with them that they would have missed the lesson. It was important for those followers to understand some things, so they were kept from recognizing Him until He’d had a chance to teach them all over again, explaining the scriptures and getting them to understand.
And that makes sense to me. Because I’m fairly certain that the instant they realized it was Jesus they would have been so overwhelmed with happiness at seeing Him again that they would have missed what He was trying to tell them. It’s like if George Clooney were to meet me on the street and try to share with me an important piece of information, something that was vital for me to know. I’m pretty sure that I would tune out all that he was saying and instead keep whispering to myself, “It’s George Clooney . . . It’s George Clooney!”. Ok, that’s a ridiculous example but it’s the best one I could come up with early on a Monday morning. 🙂
I hope this helps! And I wish you the best of luck with Rowan. He’ll come around. I think we all go through those periods of doubt and wonder, but God is always patient with us when we need time to figure things out.
Sabrina, Your explanation helps me a lot – especially the George Clooney example! 😉 Honestly, though, as I was thinking and thinking about these verses, I reached somewhat of the same conclusion this weekend. I think the disciples needed to see where their faith was lacking – and they needed to be brought back to the Bible to re-learn these important lessons. I think that’s what I realized with Rowan (and with myself) – when we doubt, when we have questions, when our faith falters, return to the lessons God clearly lays out for us in the Bible. We will find the answers and reassurances there.
Thank you SO much taking the time to offer clarity on this lesson this morning – I so appreciate that.
Michelle…..how wonderful that you have such a wonderful and open relationship with Rowan that he would share this. He is so blessed to have a Mom like you. As usual, there is a life lesson here for all of us, keep the Word open and a part of our lives and let it speak to us! Thank you for this…..Lori
This is why the Bible is such an amazing and wonderful gift from God. It is always there, unchanging, and yet constantly revealing new truths to us. I pray that you are able to help Rowan in just the gentle way that he needs, and I thank you for providing this wise example of motherhood for the rest of us.
Thank you for your prayers, Courtney – I am praying that, too.
Excellent Monday post, Michelle, as always. Bless that little Rowan’s heart! How wonderful that he could be free to express his thoughts to you, and you handled it very well. And I have learned a lesson today through this. Just last week, I was going through some real blah days, where I felt like God was far from me and that if He wasn’t listening, who would? Nobody. I felt very alone. Sure enough, when I finally took the time to open my Bible, He met me there in His always beautiful words. Lifted my spirits, comforted me, and helped me to gain perspective. Journal entries of His past faithfulness also helped me to see that I was just going by ‘feelings’, not fact.
The Road to Emmaus is my favorite story in the whole Bible. It’s where I root down deep and exhale. Have you ever seen “The Miracle Maker”? Its rendering of the story is my absolute favorite: “I know who it is!” And one reason I knew my church was for me is that they have a huge painting (like, 7 feet tall) of Jesus breaking the bread with the two disciples after they reach the house.
I loved your explanation here, Michelle. I’m currently reading the Bible from beginning to end (slowly!), and looking for those scriptures which point to Jesus. Already, they are in more places and images I could ever imagine!
Blessings to you!
Yes, yes, YES. I love this: “When we are lost, when we begin to doubt God, when we can’t see him, even when he stands right in front of us, we need to return to his story. Open the book, Jesus says. The proof is right there.” One thing God has been teaching me through my struggles in the past few years is that EVEN when I can’t see Him, He is still there. It’s in those hard to see Him times that my faith grows stronger, because faith is not seeing, but believing Him at His word. Well said. Thank you for this!
I love how you kept your cool. I would have fallen out of my chair. 🙂
Oh I so wanted to fall out of my chair, Lyli! Inside, my head was screaming, “What?????!!! Please don’t say that – like it’s not bad enough that I’ve wrestled with doubt for 20 years, but now you, too?!” But I swallowed that reaction because I didn’t want to freak him out, of course!
I think we all wrestle with doubt (not understanding) from time to time. The difference between us and a child is having the guts to say it out-loud. 🙂 Great post Michelle, thanks for the link-up.
My pastor preached a few weeks ago about the times when God hides his face. It’s in there–it’s in the Bible. On occasion, God hides his face from his people. He hid his face from his own son.
But, my pastor pointed out, it is never because he has stopped loving us. And it’s never permanent. And somehow, it is for good purpose. So much I can’t comprehend. So much mystery.
I sometimes struggle too Michelle. This is such wisdom. The doubts can come (and they do), but He is unchanging. I think of the ones who set out to prove scripture untrue only to find their way to faith. It is the living word, and what better place to go when the doubts wiggle their way in.
Always back to the Bible – what great wisdom to follow! I really like the honesty in your writing, how you share your struggles and the openness you have with your kids and how they feel free to share with you. Obviously you are doing something very very right as a mama. They have been blessed with a wise mother!
Great thoughts Michelle, I love all the conversations you have with your boys. Warms my heart. And I think your ability to stay cool and not react actually speaks volumes.
Yes, through the Word. But for me, it is also through the table – the breaking of bread, the sacrament. It’s sort of like the truth moves from their head (even though it says ‘burning hearts’) down into their hearts and spirits as he breaks the bread in front of them. I, too, LOVE this story. And I think Rowan’s forthrightness is wonderful – the safest place to bring our doubts is into the presence of someone who loves us.
Walking a tight rope with a thick mist hiding the net below and we wonder if there really is a net, because we can’t see it.
I am amazed that the disciples did not believe until Jesus actually appeared to them. Touch and handle me. He even ate bread and fish before them. Now they believed and knew it was true. True enough to preach even after warnings of death. True enough to even die as many of them did including Christians then and now. Jesus has REVEALED himself to them. When a person (or child or teen) invited Jesus to live in their heart – – – something happens to burst that bubble of doubt.
Oh one day we shall see him with our new eyes. For now, like Paul we pray, open my eyes of understanding that I might KNOW YOU better my God and my Savior.
I love your stories – I love your lessons. I can identify with Rowan – even childlike faith stumbles here and there. And I can also identify with your mother’s heart, Michelle. I’ve had times when my grown-up sons have gone through these times of doubting. And yet, like you said, it always comes back the Bible – the story that God tells us – the story of His love, culminating in the gift of His Son.
Even when I can’t see Him clearly, or hear Him well – my heart still burns within me.
GOD BLESS!
I think embracing doubt is a good thing. But that’s hard to teach a young ‘un when all they are looking for is stability.
Michelle, I so admire the way you handled this with Rowan. I want my children to love the Lord so badly, and I know that when we’re blessed with little ones I’m going to have to face these moments and situations and it will likely rock me to my core. I think I’ll fall out of my chair like Lyli said! I hope I can maintain my composure and point us all back to the Bible like you said. Such a powerful reminder. Thanks for sharing!
I am so glad I found your page. I am so encouraged.