For years, every Friday at 2 p.m. you could find me in the exact same place: on the couch with a cup of tea and the phone to my ear, my best friend Andrea on the other line. Those conversations, especially in those first lonely years in Nebraska, were my lifeline.
We talked about everything from potty training to shoe sales to home décor, and often, we talked about our husbands. Or, I should say, we complained about our husbands. We bemoaned. We rolled our eyes. We shook our heads. We commiserated. We didn’t typically complain about big things or important stuff. We simply griped about the everyday annoyances of living day in and day out with the same person.
Finally, during one of those Friday afternoon phone calls, Andrea put a stop to the complaining. She admitted that when her husband got home from work on Fridays, she was often so riled up from picking him apart over the phone, she picked a fight with him in person. Andrea was right – I realized I often did the same. Turns out, what we’d assumed was harmless complaining was actually fueling an undercurrent of negativity and discontent in our marriages.
I was reminded of that lesson as I thought about the reading and sermon for this week on Exodus 20:17: You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
At the heart of coveting is comparison: dissatisfied with our own lot, we want what others have. Complaining about my husband may have seemed innocuous enough, but over time, it began to weave subtle but pervasive threads of dissatisfaction and discontent.
Suddenly, instead of appreciating Brad’s many gifts, I couldn’t get past the damp towel on the bathroom floor or the sneakers left not in but right next to the shoe basket by the door. Instead of celebrating his many fabulous qualities – like the fact that he cooks dinner from scratch every night (and I don’t mean frozen raviolis) and makes my coffee every morning, even though he’s a tea-drinker – I focused on his few flaws.
Coveting and comparison – whether it’s your neighbor’s spouse or your neighbor’s house – can sneak up on you. Before you know it, you’re pining for what you want, rather than grateful for what you have.
I’m grateful Andrea put an end to our husband-griping, but I still fall into my old habits from time to time. Recently, as my sister described the renovation work her husband was doing on their kitchen, I found myself wishing aloud that my husband was handier around the house. “Yeah, but when Brad’s home from work, he’s really home,” Jeanine pointed out. “He’s not working on yet another project.”
Last night, I watched from the window as Brad and the boys engaged in a full-out water-balloon war in the backyard. And instead of focusing on the kind of husband he’s not, I was grateful for the husband he is.
Questions for Reflection:
Do you ever catch yourself complaining about your spouse or partner? Have you ever thought about how complaining might be connected to coveting?
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Sure enought I think you have hit the nail on the head! This is an eye opener and good stuff!
Thanks, hazel!
It sounds like you have an AMAZING husband, Michelle–even one one who cooks. Wow! I was literally just talking to my accompanist this evening at a rehearsal at church about how wonderful it was that her husband cooks for her–just like mine does for me (my Michael said that he learned to cook, because he wants to eat)! We said that we were rare, fortunate women to have such incredible spouses. Join the club, Michelle. This is an important (very!) post, because in marriage especially, when we live at close range, it’s easy to note faults. But as you have learned (and as I have), it’s just as easy to note wonderful qualities. I almost lost my husband to a heart attack in 2000, and I cannot tell you how I thank God for Michael every day. Truly, he is heavensent–just as Brad has been for you. Here’s to husbands who cook and those who don’t. Everyone has his gifts, and we, as women, have the greatest gift of all–precious husbands.
All the best to you and Brad! He and Mike can compare recipes sometime.
Love
Lynn
Amen, Lynn – I love this comment!
Colossians 3 has been a valuable pattern to follow whenever I”m tempted to grumble and complain. “Put OFF. . . these things (bad stuff like anger, malice, etc.) and PUT ON. . . . these things (good stuff like kindness, meekness, humbleness). I find it’s not enough just to exercise self-control and not SAY the things I”m thinking. If I, instead, EXCHANGE the grumbles for the gratitude, a real heart change happens. Thank you for the reminder today 🙂
Excellent advice Lori – gratitude for grumbles…I’m going to remember that!
I hadn’t thought of it in this light before. I see the truth in this. Attitude has a lot to do with how harmonious the atmosphere in my home is. Hmm. Thanks for this. I’ve got some adjusting to do. (And I have to remind myself of this when I’m remaking the whole bed by tucking in sheets and blankets at the foot of the bed every day. ;))
Oh my gosh Renee – same here with the bed! That made me laugh!!
Thanks for the linkup and for saying how wonderful your husband is even though he isn’t perfect. I read earlier tonight a wonderful list of qualities to look for in a future husband. My husband doesn’t do most those things. My husband has some absolutely outstanding qualities and your post put all that into perspective. Thanks for an honest post, sharing your how you have changed up looking on the negative side to looking for all the gifts in your husband.
Thanks for hosting this linkup party today.
Have a wonderful day!!
Love your honesty , Judith. Thanks for being real here.
Michelle, thank you for this reminder. Why is that we tend to focus on the negative? Not good.
I can be a bit of a pessimist and a perfectionist – not a good combination!
You have shared great thoughts. It is so easy to focus on the negative & totally miss the good that is right in front of us. What hit me as I read this….in this midst of focusing on the negative in our husbands, we tend to miss the fact that we are not perfect either 🙂 Seriously. I am grateful for this reminder this morning to extend more grace not only to my husband but to others as well. “Above all, love each other DEEPLY, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Pet. 4:8).
Thank you for hosting this link up each week!
Blessings,
Joanne
That is a really good point, Joanne – I’m quite sure my husband has his own list of pet peeves about me (like maybe nagging about the towels on the floor!).
Ahh…I was just reading about complaining in my morning study time and realized how MUCH of it I do.. Your post was a straight arrow today.
Does eye rolling count?
Fondly,
Glenda
ps. My husband is a great cook, too, and brings me tea in bed every morning.
OH wow! I love tea. THis is heaven!
Laughing about the eye roll, Glenda!
And tea in bed? It”s like you are royalty! I love it!
This is a wonderful post, Michelle. I, too, have never connected complaining with covetousness with comparison. “BEFORE WE KNOW IT, WE’RE PINING FOR WHAT WE DON’T HAVE, RATHER THAN BEING GRATEFUL FOR WHAT WE DO HAVE”. Sums it up. Guilty! I have one girlfriend who is expert at spouse-slandering, and I’ve joined in with her many a time. Or we categorize one man as being “just like ALL men”. All men are not created equal. Some stand head and shoulders above the ordinary. I have one of those. Every time I see his shoes in the middle of the floor instead of by the door, I remind myself that someday his shoes may not be there. Someday, I may not have all his water spots to wipe away around the bathroom sink. Someday, I may lay alone in our bed, hugging his pillow or wearing his tee shirt to bed in the hopes of catching his scent. One day, I may sit alone watching old ‘Thin Man’ movies. One day I may miss his words, “Good supper, Hon!”
Thank you so much for this, Michelle. Another one for The Archives.
This is so spot-on, Michelle. That comparison game is a deadly one. Thanks for the reminder that we need to stay focused on who God has given us and look for the positive things right there, right now.
I wish I could articulate what I want to say here.. I was telling my brother that my husband had done something idiotic, my brother replied, “At least he is a hard working idiot?” He always makes me laugh, love that brother.
I guess it boils down to communication. If what bothers you about your husband is just little things that can be cancelled out by the good little things – Great! But if it’s more than that take it to God and then take it to your husband, take your brother with you if need be. Don’t let the little things pile up and become big things or overlook a big thing because you think you are being overly picky.. your marriage is worth work, work on it!
When my children were young, GOD spoke to me about complaining. From that moment on, I chose to treasure each moment. In 1999, when my beloved died after a battle with cancer, I was so thankful for years of treasured moments rather than complaining ones. Michelle you will forever be so glad that you listened.
LOVE this, Michelle. One of the things my mom drilled into me (too much so, I really do believe, but still . . . ) was never to badmouth my husband in any social setting. She viewed it as disloyalty of the highest order. I don’t agree with the premise, but I do agree with the decision. Every husband is imperfect. As is every wife. But concentrating on the negative never helps anything. Looking for the things we love and appreciate, however? That always bears good fruit. Thanks for your usual thoughtful post, Michelle. And that photo? LOVE IT.
Good reminder. I was thinking of this very thing a few days ago when I heard myself complain about something minor my husband did and realized how often I’ve caught myself complaining over trivialities recently.
as always, i see similarities between us, michelle. i can’t even remember when/why/how i learned this lesson, but i work intentionally to build my husband up – in person and with others. it’s a difference-maker in a marriage, i believe….
That grumbling and complaining thing… I was reminded in church on Sunday and now here again. Ugh. It’s really putting ourselves on the throne, isn’t it?
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Thanks!
H keeps telling me to write something negative about him. He says when I keep telling people all the things I like about him, it doesn’t give people the right impression of who he really is. I tell him people know he has flaws — he’s human. I’ll admit, though, I often overlook his fabulousness in favor of his few, minor flaws. Even though I may not write about them, it’s still something I need to keep in check.