One of the hazards of living overseas is returning to the US and finding yourself critical of a church you once loved. Of course I didn’t hear of this potential pot hole until years into my time in China. By that point I was already ruined for the ordinary, so why not this area too?
Over the more than 18 years I was in China, one of the few constants was the change experienced year-by-year in my church experience.
This did not bode well for me fitting into churches that don’t tend to change much.
My first year, church meant three of us foreigners gathering in my apartment on Sunday morning.
Mark loved singing and brought his guitar. Erin loved singing if there were enough people to hide her voice and since there weren’t, well, our music was a combo of awkward awesomeness or awesome awkwardness. For a sermon series we passed around a small book with insights on the Psalms and took turns talking about the Psalm for the week. To say this was nothing like the way I had experienced church the previous 27 years of my life, would be either the set-up OR the punch line on a joke told by Jesus to Peter, depending on how uncomfortable the music had been that week.
By the third year (yes, years have now passed), I had a new teammate and our Sunday gathering had grown to two single women, three single men, and two families with a total of five kids. We had folks who were studying three different minority languages in the area, we had English teachers, we had someone working with blind children, we had Americans and Koreans. We had decent music and solid rotating teaching. We had little arms that liked to give big hugs. And we had no-clue what church tradition we each had come from. It never came up. In short, we had a slice of heaven.
Year six I moved from Chengdu, Sichuan to Beijing. At that time there was only one foreign fellowship and it was on the other side of the beast that is Beijing. To get there took more than an hour by bus (and more than an hour to get home, in case you wondered if after a long exhausting Sunday experience we were teleported home… the laws of the universe weren’t bent for us.). It was held in a gigantic auditorium with the capacity to hold several thousand. And it was crowded.
Up-sides included more than 60 countries represented. I never wearied of seeing the women from African regaled in bright colors. The style of worship music was different each week depending on whether it was led by Koreans, Africans, Australians, or Americans. The commute and time commitment are what stick with me all these years. Though glorious, I have a profound sense of exhaustion when I think of that church experience.
Eventually the church outgrew the venue and a branch was set up in a location closer to my side of the 17 million people of Beijing. I started splitting my time between a Chinese church AND the foreign fellowship plant. My mis-fitting was now in who I was becoming since we met in a part of Beijing dominated by foreign families and young foreign students. As an aging single I didn’t really fit.
I returned to the US a little over a year ago. I am less this than I used to be and more that. I don’t think the this or that matter. Whatever I’d been before I spent two decades outside of the US church, how could I not change? I find myself wanting a crossbred church experience that doesn’t seem to exist and I wonder how did I not miss it before? How did I feel like I belonged?
Eighteen years is long enough for churches to have changed. Styles to have evolved. A generation has been raised up. I don’t like feeling like a fuddy-duddy on Sunday morning when we stand for half the service for what seems like a music concert after which we straight into a sermon and at the end the pastor says, “Have a great week!” Where’s the sense of history? Where’s the prayer? Why are the blinds closed so I can see the projected trees on the walls instead of looking at actual trees out the window?
But other Sundays as I soak in rich liturgy, various scripture, and pass the peace I leave fussing at the “divine outreach” involving washing dogs for Jesus or helping high schoolers pick a college major. Have you heard of human trafficking? Or the homeless? Or AIDS orphans? Do you see how God is worthy of more than dogs and there might be something more eternal than your major?
Not the thoughts of one who fits neatly into her place in the puzzle.
So I claim the label Spiritual Misfit, reminding myself of the special place Jesus has in his heart for us misfits. Jesus, here I am, fit for nothing but you.
How has the twists and turns of your life made you more a misfit (instead of less)?
Amy Young is mostly done readjusting to messy middle of life in the US after more than 18 years in China. She is an editor and regular contributor to Velvet Ashes, a watering hole for women living overseas. When she first moved to China she knew three Chinese words: hello, thank you and watermelon. Often the only words really needed in life. She is known to jump in without all the facts and blogs regularly at The Messy Middle and tweets as @amyinbj and is the most unbeautiful pinner Pinterest has ever seen (but she’s having fun!).
Amy, your “out of country’ experience has left you with a fresher perspective. And yes, things have changed in the church since you were gone. I don’t like all the changes either and I dont know if it’s just the older me clinching his jaw or the selfish me wanting things my way. In either case, I have to trust God to move despite my personal displeasure. As your friend, I love seeing your “misfittedness”!
I do wonder what I’d be like if I’d never exposed my self to such different flavors outside of the U.S. — I don’t wonder in a cynical way, more a whimsical, “who would I be if I’d taken that job or moved to that city?” We can’t have everything, and I’m OK with that. But the choices we make are OF COURSE going to influence us so it’s hard to image other variations of ourselves. I will say, one thing I am SO grateful for is how easy it is to get to church in the US! I do not miss the long, long commutes!
Amy, your descriptions help open my eyes to the tradition of church that I grew up in, without being negative about any of your experiences. How refreshing!
And it is a reminder that each of us sees something different when we attend a church/fellowship.
I’m beginning to ponder that God made all of us spiritual misfits so that we would seek Him!
Sheila … I think so!!!! I have a feeling this idea of “spiritual misfit” has struck a chord with so many because it’s one of the ways God keeps us searching for Him and not settling (but I will say, the highlight of my church experience was the home fellowship in Chengdu! I see the limitations of the “small” and that that style works best when there aren’t great needs). I’m babbling :). Thanks for your contribution to the conversation!
Hello Fellow Misfit,
It is an adjustment for the smaller intimate or the fully embraced international in China. And I still miss military chapels and their unique blends. My husband retired 18 years ago. Missing after 4 years back which means not moving and learning to engage here. Realizing my misfitting is a blessing and a bain for me and those around me must often be very deliberate in my thinking. It is always heartening to chat with folks who are engage in community in ways I never knew. Thanks for sharing your experiences; it can be a lonely difficult process for us adults to return.
What a lovely greeting … maybe we should start using it with each other :)! I love the way you phrase it — my misfittedness IS both blessing and bain. About a week ago I had a particularly low moment at a church committee meeting and I never felt more trapped by (what felt to me like) suburbia shallowness (another curse of returning: the gift of judgmentalness). I knew feeling can be poor measures of reality to focused on riding out my feelings and containing my cynicism so it didn’t leak out too much :).
From one Misfit to Another! Amy
Amy, love your blog…I can imagine how different it is – between your church experience in China and the US. I always felt like a misfit growing up in what I would describe as a conservative and fundamentalistic church somewhere in South East Asia where we only read the KJV; I also found it a real challenge returning back from uni after studying overseas in UK many years ago…now I live in Melbourne, Australia, have been for nearly 10 years; it’s my home…so I feel less of a misfit country-wise; but a mis-fit in other areas; sometimes it’s hard not to feel like the odd one out when most of my friends my age are all married with families. End of last year I moved from a big church (in size and screens) to a church plant which meets in a school….totally different experience – one of the few churches which still print out the entire service on a bulletin….we sing gospel soul music/hymns, no screens, we share morning tea…I like the intimacy of a smaller gathering. But most importantly I’m there because that’s where I believe God wants me to be….He calls us to different places at whatever seasons of life that we’re in. I think God changes us in that process and uses us wherever He has placed us as though we may feel like misfits, as instruments of His love and grace.
From one ageing single misfit to another
Thanks Deanna … I love hearing a bit more of the person journeys we’ve all been on (and believe everyone has a good story!!). What I love about being a misfit is that it also means parts of me fit where people don’t expect it :).
Oooh, I hear you, Amy. That is a whole lot of adjusting in a whole lot of places. And your critique is on target and could – if offered carefully – really help American Christians to re-examine priorities, at the very least – maybe even re-think how we ‘do’ church. Yup, I’m a misfit, too. And I’ve been a pastor! I think we are all misfits – and if we’re not (at least a little bit) there’s something fishy goin’ on. Thanks so much for sharing your story in Michelle’s wonderful space.
Diana, agreed that Michelle has created a wonderful space here! And that if in someways we aren’t all misfits, it probably means we aren’t engaged. I appreciate your encouragement that I’m not WAY off target and that there IS hope for The Church! Agree on that too … just not always sure how to go about it!
Amy,
You do misfit very well. I think we are called to be misfit’s in this world. To step up and be different not just to be different but because what we live for and seek after results in one who does not just “go along”. People notice misfits and that sometimes opens doors we would not have otherwise; especially from those that feel out of place in this world or feel invisible.
Mark, funny you mention feeling invisible. Someone said to be the other day that part of my role has been to help speak for those who have felt invisible — I find this inspiring, holy, and funny (I’ve always been rather outspoken — at times to my detriment) — about how I’m feeling so I tend not to feel invisible. But if that’s the upside of being outspoken and it can be used for connecting and God’s presence here, I’m thankful.
I hurt that there are people in this world that are made to feel invisible; that they are not worthy of being noticed. I pray I do not do this to anyone. I try to look to see if I can see someone the world has camouflaged by perceived ordinary; to come alongside to acknowledge them and their worth.
Oh, Amy. I loved reading more of your story! Very interesting. You are a flexible woman and that’s such a blessing. As one who has fought for change inside my church’s denomination almost my whole life, I finally stepped out of it–and found that change had happened, just in another tribe of church than my own. We’ve switched now and have never been more fulfilled in our spiritual experiences. Thank you for sharing and I pray you’ll continue to be a spiritual misfit everywhere you go because that brings change with it.
Lisa, it’s funny, I’ve gone through phases of being all worked up about some things, and then other phases where I internally feel more mellow and “what will be will be.” Part of my readjustment present to myself last fall was that I visited a different church each Sunday just to soak up how broad and deep and diverse the history of the church is and that no one denomination can completely represent God. I think it would be a good project to be repeated every so often. I really enjoyed it!!!