When I tell her in an email that it feels like I’ve got a cinder block sitting square on my chest, that it’s felt this way since I heard The Bad News three days before, she answers back in a flash. Cinder-block-chest calls for radical self-care, she says. What are you doing to take good care of yourself right now?
I stare at my friend Sarah’s email for a good long while. Because the truth is, I don’t care for myself well, especially when the chips are down and things are not going as I had planned. No, I don’t care for myself well at all.
Instead, I plow on, nose to the grindstone. I write blog posts and I prepare for the class I’m teaching at my church and I tweet and pin and Google+ and update my Facebook status and schedule radio interviews and try to think of “something else to do,” the thing I can do that will fix everything.
I rev the engine higher. I work harder. I push, bent on fixing what’s broken, focused on setting everything straight, determined to get it right this time.
On Monday, Columbus Day, I paint the entryway. I roll beige over teal and slap six coats of white over chocolate brown. I paint all day as the rain pounds the window panes because I cannot for the life of me sit still. I am restless and anxious and afraid, afraid of what might happen when I stop working, when I stop pushing. So I paint the entryway on my day off.
And all the while, I can’t get those two words out of my head.
Radical self-care.
“What are you feeling good about right now?” my counselor asks, a few days later.
I’m folded into the corner of the sofa. The sun blares hot and white through the blinds, and I stare at my hands in my lap. I have no idea how to answer her question.
I’ve always had a strong work ethic (I thank my parents for that), and it’s helped me in more ways than I can count. Whenever I’ve come up against a challenge in the past, my strategy, my solution, has always been simply to work harder, to push harder, to “make it happen,” as my dad would say.
A strong work ethic and a drive to achieve and succeed are not inherently negative. They only become negative when they become all-consuming, when they become, as in my case, the only thing that defines you.
My work defines me. Without it, without a clear sense of direction or a project to complete, I am lost.
“I don’t feel worthy unless I’m working,” I tell my counselor.
“Worthy of what?” she asks.
I tell her maybe worthwhile is a better word choice, but truth be told, worthy is what I mean. Worthy of…anything.
Part of me wonders if this uncertain time, this time in the wilderness, is God’s way of making me rest. Part of me wonders if God is using this time, this uncertainty, to help me move beyond my narrow definition of worthiness toward an understanding of his.
Only just recently (like yesterday), I’ve realized that my definition of worthiness, pretty much my whole sense of my worthiness, is based on my work — on accomplishment and achievement and success. I’ve made a mistake, I’m realizing. I’ve mistaken my work — or really, my success at my work — as the only measure of my worth.
Yet I suspect God’s definition of worthiness is much broader, much wider and much deeper than that. I suspect God’s definition of worthiness is much more spacious and gracious than my own.
::
The process isn’t always easy… The journey sometimes rough… Thankful for family and dear friends who accompany us on the journey… Thanks for sharing your heart and your faith!
I’m grateful for your friendship, Michael!
Guilty, here! Basing my worthiness AND joy on my work and successes. Something that helped me earlier this week (and your message was a great way to end my week) was recalling Paul’s letter to the Philippians. In it he reminded his friends many times that their joy (worth?) was not determined by external circumstances, but by the indwelling presence of Jesus. Thanks for sharing this! See you at Good Shepherd Pres. soon!
Yes, absolutely, Dave – I come back to those verses in Philippians often. Looking forward to my time at your church – thanks for having me!
This is good, Michelle. God is already revealing wisdom after “The Bad News”. Still praying, my Friend.
Thanks, Jillie – so grateful for you.
Michelle,
I am adding an Amen, to Michael’s comment! Also, this quote on my perpetual calendar today I believe says it well:
“Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit.” JOHN AND STASI ELDERIDGE
Blessings & hope to you BEAUTIFUL Sister in Christ as you grow in patience and tenacity, in grace and fortitude. Thank you for always sharing your heart:)
Gratefully,
Katie
Wow, that’s a great quote – I love it – especially how it comes both patience and tenacity, to key elements to any waiting period. Thanks for your sweet encouragement, Katie – I appreciate it (and you!) very much.
I thought you were writing about me! It all fits… well, except for scheduling radio interviews… that’s not me… Why can’t I just accept that Jesus loves me right where I am, even when I’m making a mess of my life- why do I have to feel unworthy and unloved and unknown? Why can’t I just wake up and think “yes, I’m good enough for God so let’s see what he has in store for me today?” Where does that come from-that thinking that I’m not good enough -because first I mess up and then I don’t trust that God still values me- what kind of Christian am I? Thank goodness God is way more gracious than I am!
Have you read “Love Idol” by Jennifer Dukes Lee, Julie? Clearly I need to re-read it – an excellent, excellent book on this exact topic.
Thanks! I’ll check it out!
When you are naturally a “doer,” it’s difficult to simply “be” and know you are just as worthy in God’s eyes as if you’ve painted five rooms in a day. Michelle, I truly think God is calling you to rest in Him.
Love and blessings, my friend!
Thanks for reinforcing what I am feeling in my heart, Martha – that God is calling me to rest in him right now. I appreciate you, friend!
wow I know just how you feel, Michelle. me too. I have begun every morning in the shower remembering my baptism saying aloud – I am a beloved child of God and all I meet today are also. I am hoping slowly I will begin to believe that and rely less on trying to find success in accomplishments. This is a good post; very thought provoking, honest and real.
Wow, I love the spiritual practice of saying your baptismal vow aloud, Jean – and I love the way that is worded, too – so much love and inclusion.
I remember…when I heard the words “You have cancer” asking God “I don’t get–how can I be worth anything to you sick?” I had based my total value on what I could “do” for God…one would say I’m a slow learner as it took me a few years of cancer treatment and recovery…and being sent to the “couch” many times, it took being bald and not even able to walk 20 feet to bathroom before I finally believed…I am worthy. Totally get you in this blog post…thank you for sharing!
Such a hard, hard lesson, Kim. But God truly does bring all things together for good for those who love him, even cancer – and you are proof of that. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story here!
We are who we are because of relationship. You are a beloved child of God; act accordingly because of who you are, not to earn who you are. Nothing you can do will make God love you any more than He does right now. Nothing you can do will make God love you any less than He does right now. “Being” sucks for “doers” like us because then we have to admit that we are vulnerable to a fear we never want to face – that maybe I’m not loveable/likeable just because I’m me. So we do, do, do to prove our worth, when what God has been trying to tell us our entire life is that our worth is inherent. He freely gave it us at birth by being made in His image. My guess is that Brad didn’t marry you because of what you do, but because of who you are – flaws and all. : )
Oh, honey. You NAILED it right here. Thank you for your beautiful vulnerability and your willingness to say the hard things. Just thank you.