A couple of weeks ago the Nebraska Synod bishop preached at my church, and toward the beginning of his sermon on the Book of Numbers, he said something that immediately caught my attention. In fact, one second after he said it, I grabbed a pen and jotted it onto my bulletin, and then I leaned over and whispered to Brad, “That’s good stuff! I’m going to steal that!”
I fully intended to give Bishop Maas credit of course, but I also knew immediately that the words he had spoken were going to make it into a blog post or an article or maybe even a book someday. They were just that good.
“The wilderness,” Bishop Maas said, “is the place God’s people stay and wait while God is up to something His people can’t possibly see or even imagine.”
I know. It’s good, isn’t it?
The thing is, I’ve always heard the wilderness described in negative terms as the place we wander or the place where God feels absent; or the place God sends us to teach us an important but difficult lesson. Never, until that moment, had I heard the wilderness described so hopefully, so positively.
The wilderness is not a place of desolation and futility and hopelessness, but a place brimming with wild possibility.
I heard Bishop Maas make that statement three times that Sunday. Because I was participating in the liturgy that day, I sat through all three worship services, something I’ve never done before. And every time I heard the bishop make that statement about the wilderness, I nodded my head yes. If I belonged to an Amen-out-loud kind of church, I would have Amen-ed out loud for sure.
That’s good teaching right there, I thought to myself. I couldn’t wait to pass it on to someone else.
Five days later, I found myself right smack in the middle of the wilderness.
When the phone rang Friday afternoon I knew within the first three words of our conversation that my agent was calling with bad news. Turns out, my publisher, after weeks of considering it, had turned down the proposal for my next book. It wasn’t the proposal itself that was the problem, my agent and, later, my editor assured me. It was the bottom line. Spiritual Misfit, my first book, has not sold well, not well at all. My publisher simply couldn’t afford to publish another book by me. I was not good for their bottom line.
I told a friend a few days later that being let go by your publisher feels both like being fired and being dumped by your boyfriend – at the same time. Not only had my professional life tanked, I also found myself mourning the loss of a relationship I deeply valued. I had come to know my editor really well in the months we worked together on Spiritual Misfit. I really, really like her, she knows me really, really well (she edited my memoir, after all!) and I was simply devastated that we wouldn’t work together on my next book. If there is a next book.
I grieved hard that first week – the full five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, well, frankly, I’m still working on acceptance. After an initial bout of full-out bawling that Friday afternoon, my eyes leaked tears for 48 hours. It didn’t matter what I was doing — dishes, laundry, playing Uno, picking the kids up from school – I oozed tears.
And then came the anger. I’m not going to lie. I boiled with self-righteous indignation. I blamed everyone I could think of, and when I was done running through the list of humans at fault, I blamed God. I blamed him for leading me down this publishing road, only to bring me to what seemed like a big, fat dead end. I blamed him for failing me, for betraying me, for not keeping his promise.
A few days after The Bad News, Brad and I were chatting in the sun room. I sat in my desk chair, my computer screen blank behind me as I faced my husband.
“You know, I read that verse you have posted over the bathroom sink,” Brad said. “The one about God’s promise.”
I knew the one. I’d read it over and over again since The Bad News, every time I washed my hands, every time I brushed my teeth, every time I touched up my lipstick or applied mascara. I knew the words by heart because I was banking on that promise:
“Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.” (Hebrews 10:23)
“The thing is, hon,” Brad continued gently, “God’s promises don’t necessarily include another book deal.”
“Well what does he promise then?” I hissed, “because I can’t seem to recall right now.” My throat clenched and tears pricked my eyes.
I looked at my husband, standing in the doorway of the sun room, and then I turned away and fixed my burning eyes on the blank computer screen.
Brad didn’t answer my angry question. I think he knew I wasn’t quite in the right frame of mind for a theological discussion. But I thought about what he’d said for days afterward. And I knew he was right. Brad is always right about this kind of stuff, even when it’s not what I want to hear.
So here’s the deal, friends. It’s true: God didn’t promise me another book deal. He didn’t promise that I’d get to spend my whole professional career as a book author. He didn’t promise me a particular job, even if it’s a job I love and feel called to.
God doesn’t promise us the job we desire, the spouse we yearn for, the baby we so desperately want, the clean bill of health we are praying for day in and day out. He doesn’t promise us wealth, health, success, an easy road or even happiness.
In fact, God doesn’t promise us most of what we think we want or most of what we think we need.
No. God doesn’t promise us any of those things, and I know, I know it’s hard to hear and accept, especially when you are right smack in the middle of the wilderness, facing the job loss, your spouse’s terminal diagnosis, the infertility, the negative PET scan, the drug addiction. I know it’s hard, because friends, I am here. I am here, in the wilderness, where the path is neither straight nor clear. I am here, asking God, “What’s next? What now?” I am here, asking God for a burning bush, a billboard, something, anything.
Yet even in the midst of the unknowns, here is what I know is true. Here is what I am banking on as I stand in the wilderness with some of you:
God promises to work together all things for the good of those who love him.
That’s it. It’s that simple. God works all things together toward good; God promises to be with us always. These aren’t the only promises God made, but these are the ones I am trusting in today.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that God had me sit through Bishop Maas’s sermon three times in a single Sunday two weeks ago. God knows I am willful and stubborn and spiritually hard of hearing. He knows I need to hear a message more than once for it to stick. God also knew that five days from that Sunday morning I would find myself in the wilderness, needing a message about that very wilderness to reverberate through my heart, mind and soul.
I’m not saying I’ll ever get a clear answer from God on this, even though that’s what I desperately want. I’m not saying I’ll get that burning bush or the billboard. I know God doesn’t always provide answers. He doesn’t package life’s mysteries into a beautiful box and tie it all up with a shiny red bow, ready for me to unwrap when I choose. I may get the answers I’m looking for in heaven, during what I hope will be a long and detailed Q&A period. I may not. All I know for sure is that God is sovereign and he is good.
And so I stay and wait in this wilderness, trusting that God is working out something good, something I can’t possibly see or even imagine right now. I wander through this wilderness confident that it is not a place of desolation and hopelessness and despair, but a place brimming with wild possibility and potential.
A place full of promise and hope.
Linking this post with Kelli Woodford’s Unforced Rhythms of Grace.
With a rock solid lump in my throat I’m reading this today. Thank you, your story continues to mess with my heart in the best possible ways. This is not the end. I know it. I love you.
Always, always grateful for your encouragement, Kris – and for your confidence when my own is at an ebb. Thank you and love you girl.
Hi Michelle,
Thank you so much for your transparency! The wilderness period can be a long, tough haul. I still feel in the midst of it and it’s been 3 years! 🙂 I don’t know how things are going to turn out, or if they’ll turn out. But I’ve decided, that where I end up isn’t so much God’s concern. It’s being faithful to the gifts and talents he has given me. If God has laid a book on your heart, I think you should write it. God will figure out the publishing for you. You bring me so much encouragement. Thanks for sharing your wonderful gift!!
Sara
Three years? Gulp! That’s something else I need to accept, yes? That God determines the time and length of my wilderness period, not me! I keep thinking of Christine Caine’s words from the Women of Faith event I attended last weekend: that God is in this moment, right now, right here – not “over there,” where we might want to be, but right here. Thank you for the encouragement, Sara – I appreciate you and am glad to know you are walking the wilderness with me – it’s good to have company on the journey!
I live with a husband like this: “Brad is always right about this kind of stuff, even when it’s not what I want to hear.” Sometimes what I don’t want to hear is exactly what I NEED to hear…and usually John knows it.
This makes me sad for you, but I love that you point out the wilderness isn’t all bad, it can be a place of hope and promise. Thank you for sharing your heart in this space.
Honestly, it makes me sad, too, Mary. But I keep holding onto hope and his promises with my fingernails. I know God is working on a new thing for me – it just hasn’t been revealed yet.
Michelle, Jer 29:11 says God knows the plans He has for us. I think there is the rub! We know more than God. We know what we need, want, desire….yet, He says His plan is so much bigger than us, (little old me of a different era at 70). He knew Barry would die, suddenly, without warning, without preparation. I did not! And I wrestled! I wrestled, questioned, hurt, screamed, WHY? In many ways this is your question. So, I challenge you to study the question WHY in the Bible, with all the lives He impacted, the journeys he took the Disciples on…to the cross! To the finality of His ending here. But then when you have 5 or 6 of those WHYs, then, turn to the Promises he gave after the events. How he shaped the future of each one. How he guides, protects, carries, each of us in different ways, yet similar in HIS PLAN for the furtherance of HIS gospel. This is the true work. And don’t forget the Holy Spirit to comfort, console, lead, even pray for us when our words and understandings fail.
Bless you dear Michelle,
It is not over!
Bonnie Walker
Thank you for this, Bonnie – you’ve got the makings of a preacher in you, woman! 🙂
Michelle, I am sorry to hear that you were let go by your publisher. I can only imagine how that felt, but hey, you are ahead of many of us. We’ve never had a publisher. That being said, I must remind myself that those kinds of sentences that include the words “at least…” are of no comfort at all. I truly am sorry for the disappointment. It will be exciting to see what road God takes you on now.
I have been in the wilderness for so long it seems. I have begged God to just fix some broken things in my life right now. I’ve been demanding. I’ve specified my fix. Does this sound like one who is able to trust? No, it doesn’t. In it all, I’m learning that God has His ways. The Holy Spirit is much better at praying through me than me praying without being in tune with God. I’ve grown in faith. I have my days when I think all is lost, but in truth I can never be lost in the wilderness because God found me there a long time ago and rescued me from the world’s wilderness. Now, time in His wilderness is a blessed time even as I wonder what the blessings will be. God bless.
Michelle, I’ve loved reading your heartfelt and honest journey in publishing. It’s sometimes been too raw for me, struggling as I do with my current writing season. Thank you for your honesty; thank you for your stake in the ground called Hope. You are encouraging me and I am very sure, so very many others.
Michelle, your words are meant for myself and my daughters today! They are both feeling despair over recent events in their lives and I have been thinking about HOPE! I read Philippians and came to the verses that spoke about contentment… I am always loving the Hope God places in my heart through His Promises and gift of Faith. You have given me another way of sharing Hope with them! I thank you and God for answering my prayers today! May God continue to bless our journeys through the wildernesses of our lives as we walk with Jesus, in His Presence, with Faith, Hope, Trust and Love! Amen!
I’m right there with you Michelle, setting up a tent in the wilderness and trying to find thankfulness in it. Sometimes the rain leaks through the roof from all the tears I’m shedding but the sun is rising on Hope. God is faithful. I’m standing with you, praying for you, believing in you and know this isn’t the end of the road for publishing, Our lives often look different than we imagine. And often much better. xoxo
wow you are a writer! Your post here took me through all types of emotions. What a roller coaster ride. First, I love the hope and encouragement from the Bishop’s statement. Then what you shared which is the fear and the reality for so many of us writers. I love your honesty and willingness to share – I find hope and fellowship reading your words. AND I just love the males in your life – Brad’s wisdom and your boys love of life and the conversations you have with all of them.. How blessed you are – book or no book. Just love ya, Michelle!!
I have learned to love my wilderness times as God provides for me His rest in Him. There is such loving and living water in the wilderness times that draw us closer to God as He speaks to us: “Be still and know that I am God.” I am in the wilderness right now and the beauty of God is what I long for. It’s not what we get to do in this life but enjoying Him! If I never got to do another thing for Him just having my personal relationship with Him is enough! He is enough! I know that you feel the same way especially since your recent wilderness visit. Enjoy this sweet time drawing close to God and allow Him to wrap you up in His love! Hugs and love, Tanya
Once again, Michelle, you have given me much food for thought. I appreciate your honesty in sharing your struggles. Please know that you bless me (and countless others, I’m sure) with your blog posts. I am participating in a study of Esther; just this morning I read about being open to God’s purpose for us, and your thoughts here align perfectly.
I’m not sure why enough of your books didn’t sell well enough for your publisher, but I want to assure you that your writing is just awesome. You inspire so many people with your down to earth honesty and your obvious work to “get it right”. I will read anything that you write. Your blog is a huge encouragement for me, so I thank you for that, for what you’ve written so far, and what I hope you’ll continue to share in the future. Keep up the great work, Michelle.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Michelle. But, once again, I’m grateful for your fierce honesty.
I love that in the Gospel of Mark the beginning of the good news of Jesus Christ takes place in the wilderness. That was the last place the people of Jerusalem wanted to go, but it was where God started paving a way through the ministry of John the Baptist. May you find comfort in your wilderness sojourn, blessings unexpected and companions who share in both your grief and hope.
OH dearest Michelle. This is such a powerful post. And that Bishop is an insightful man of God, three times over! The wilderness, yes, can be a lonely place, even a dangerous one at times, but it has gotten a decidedly bad rap. It assuredly does brim with wild wonder, potent possibilities for growth and grace. Think: daily manna supply (Jesus, the Bread of heaven will feed and sustain you), living water gushing from the Rock (Jesus Christ), Christ’s light to guide you in pillars of cloud and fire, fellowship along the way with pilgrims who have joined your sojourn (and, therfore, truly understand), the luxury of time and space to experience the God of the burning bush. Take off your sandals. Pitch your tent. Go inside to meet with God. You will be changed, refreshed, delighted. The wilderness is all gift. Open your hands and your mouth to receive. I say this not cavalierly, preachily. I say it with a heart of conviction of one who has experienced God in the wilderness a number of times. I would encourage you to drink in these verses from Hosea 2. Granted the whole chapter doesn’t apply, but I think God can still speak a partial message to you:
“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master
Maybe you are His Bride, whom He is wooing into deeper intimacy with Him. (Actually, God has given me the word “Bride” for my 2015 theme). God used that Hosea passage in such a powerful way after my passion book, the book of my heart, was published. It contains my life message, and it made no earthly sense to me (especially after ten years seeking its publication) that not only didn’t it sell well, but the publisher didn’t even put it in bookstores!! There was no real Internet presence then or a way for me to publicize it much. I knew that this book would transform lives–not because I had written it or that it was a great book or the like. No, I knew, because it was God’s message of how He transforms lives through written prayer. It was all about Him and HIS message! And yet He thwarted it, and to add insult to injury, He called me into the wilderness. I am still processing the beauty of the lessons I have learned. And He has also called me back into ministry in various ways–but not fully. In some ways, I am still in the wilderness. But the thing is that now I love the wilderness so much, that I think perhaps I have overstayed His intention. So there is a sense, yes, that we can wander, and God says, “Stop! You have circled this mountain long enough!” So I just encourage you not to wander, but be very present with God in this wilderness journey, asking Him for a daily manna slice for the journey (something I did early on–some powerful rhema from Scripture daily to sustain me), and get under His pillar of Light. You don’t need to wander. He will guide you, and He will give you the grace to follow. Yes, He is right there in your midst. And, yes, He will work the wilderness together for your good, and also, by association, work in the lives of all those whom your writing touches–like right now, right this minute with your blog. And then, yes, I truly believe He will lead you to write in book form about this journey and so many other things. Your publisher is not your publisher, Michelle. The Lord God is. And it’s He who has called you to write, and it is He, ultimately, who will publish you. As He did w/ Moses, He will ask you, “What is that in your hand?” And you will look down, and say, “My pen, Lord.” And then He will say, “It’s time to pick it up and write!” I love you and am praying for you. I get your angst more than you know. And I also know the beauty in store for you on the other side of it–even in the *midst* of it!
Muchlove
Lynn
Oh, Michelle, my heart broke for you when I read this. If it were up to me, Spiritual Misfit would be #1 on the New York Times Best-Seller List. Honestly, my friend, it’s that good!
But, God does knows what’s best for us in the long run. Our vision is so limited as we wait in that wilderness time, yet what Bishop Maas said rings right and true: God is preparing us for something better! And, I’m positive He arranged for you to hear the bishop’s words not once, twice, but three times. If you think about it, it’s almost like receiving a personal love letter from Him to let you know exactly how much He treasures you.
Keep trusting in God, my friend, and never give up writing. You are simply too gifted to let it go.
Love and blessings!
Martha, I would echo this and have in a review of Michelle’s book at Amazon. Hands-down it is one of the best spiritua/Christian memoirs I’ve ever read. I’ts THAT good. Just stellar. and what a wonderful book not just to give christians. That’s my hope for this book, that it will reach those who need Christ most.
And I just had another thought……even if a book is not a bestseller ala wordly standards, we truly have no idea where God will wing our words, and how deeply He will change even one life as a result. If even one person is saved –meaning God uses these words to bring a person to Him–then every word typed will have mattered in a way so significant that no Amazon ratings can begin to define that!
Oh, dear, Michelle. What a powerful post. Print it out. Cut and paste it into a new document, because it reads like the opening chapter to your next memoir. Honest. You’re going to look back one day and see it. You are one of the most gifted writers I know, and your authenticity is priceless. And that quote from your Bishop – wow! Mind if I hang onto it with you? xoxox
Brave.
Bonjour Aurélien,Je suis ta formation bloguer gagner que je trouve très intéressante et suite à cela je serai pourquoi pas intéressé par une formation en présentiel pour la compléter. Qu’est il intéressant de travailler une fois que nous aurons appliqué tous tes conseils.Profite bien de la Colombie, je vais souvent en Afrique du Sud pour des raisons si;2&airesl#8i30mA bientôtJulien
Beautiful, Michelle. I am so deeply sorry for all of this, but I’m with the others here: I believe in you and in your gift. And this is not over. I don’t know what the heck that means, but that much I can say. Keep writing, keep writing for us, keep writing for you, keep writing for God. Love you. A bunch.
Hi Michelle. I just discovered your blog and just finished reading your book “Spiritual Misfit”. Technically I’m on a social media fast right now for a discipleship class that I’m taking at church. But, I still log on to Facebook for business related things. Of course I see whatever is at the top of my newsfeed. And, I believe what brought me to your blog was someone sharing your post ‘What To Do When Your Kids Don’t Believe (Right Now)”
Well, I popped over and read that post. Then I saw the info about your book. I immediately ordered it. It arrived a day later and I finished reading it two days after that. It is truly one of the best things I’ve read in quite a while. I loved it. While our journeys are different there was so much in your book that I could relate to.
As soon as my Facebook fast is over, I plan to share the info about your book with my friends. A week ago I hadn’t heard of you or your blog. Now, after reading your book I can’t believe I hadn’t discovered it earlier! You truly have a gift. And, I wanted to let you know how deeply your book touched me.
Wow, Karen, thank you SO much for this encouraging note. I’m so glad Spiritual Misfit spoke to you – that makes my heart sing and gives me hope that others might still benefit from it too. I’m glad to meet you, Karen, and I look forward to connecting more once your social media fast is over (good for you on that, by the way!).
Michelle,
I wrote about the wilderness wanderings awhile back. I’m beginning to think God uses the desert for lots of great reasons in our lives. I saved your post because it’s so encouraging. I also went back and read my own on this subject from over a year ago when I was feeling discouraged. Never forget that God provides daily manna in the wilderness. God provides. http://www.dawngonzalez.com/2013/02/passing-through-desert.html And while you’re at it, go to youtube and listen to “Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets. Such wonderful words when we are struggling with his will. I often wonder if when what I thought was God’s will turns out to be a dead end or something other than my expectation and happily ever after, was it really God’s will? I’m learning the answer is yes. Even the hard parts can be part of God’s plan and used redemptively in our lives. What a beautiful post full of encouragement and wisdom that has come from your hard place. Keep letting God use you, Michelle.
Hugs, Michelle
I’ve been thinking about your wise Bishop’s words all week.
Michelle, I read this after reading your most recent entry. It’s a weird thought — but what came to my head after reading them was that God doesn’t promise work but he does promise ministry, and he will lead you to minister in whatever form of work he has you in at the moment. I’m going through something similar and can pray for you!
I’m really sorry to hear this. And I’m thankful for you being honest, because as another writer who often measures her worth by success, I really need to know what God’s real promise is. Thank you for your authenticity, Michelle.
Again, these words are alive and meant for me today. Whether business schools or pregnancy tests, we’re living in a season of “negative” right now. What joy to embrace the power of God and know He is doing something altogether different, and likely more than we could ask or imagine. Late to the party on this post, but praying for you right now, Michelle, and asking for deep encouragement that your words really matter. He’s bringing you (and them) to just the right place. xoxo
You’ve really captured what most of us fail to discover. My worst wilderness happened 8 years ago when I had a stroke, meaning I lost use of my right hand and arm, wear a brace on my right leg and my speech was really slow. After a time wrestling with God I suddenly became aware of my preaching, Jacob, also walked with a permanent limp after an encounter with God. But he walked very differently from that encounter, and so did I. God called the shots and not I. I am much wiser for the encounter. Thanks for sharing.
That is a great story and a great insight, Bruce – thank you so much for sharing it!