I’ve been praying a new prayer lately. It goes like this: “God, help me be small. Help me embrace the small. Help me love and live the small. Amen.”
This is a big deal for me, because I am not ordinarily an embracer of the small. My prayers to God over the last 18 months have sounded more like this: “God, please help my book do better. Help me be more successful. Help me achieve my dreams of becoming a successful writer.”
See the trend there? Bigger, better, more. That’s who I’ve been my whole life: the achiever. The striver. The hard worker. Ambitious. Driven. Type A Times Ten. I knew that long before my StrenthsFinder results identified Discipline, Responsibility, Achiever and Focus as my top strengths. That’s who I am. I’m made that way.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with those qualities. They are strengths indeed. In fact, those qualities are quite useful; my go-get-ed-ness has helped me in more ways than I can count.
But my strengths have also hurt me because I have let them define me and dictate my life. I have let these particular strengths overshadow the whole person God has made me to be.
You might recall a post I wrote several months ago about a defining moment I experienced with God – a moment in which I heard him say, in so many unspoken words, “Trust me.” And then there was this more recent post, a simple word picture that I published a couple of months ago, inspired by this verse from Isaiah: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.”
I’ve been repeating those two phrases to myself for months now – trust me; return to me and rest in me. I knew somehow that God intended those two messages to go hand-in-hand, but I couldn’t quite figure out what he meant by them.
For a long time I thought God was trying to tell me something about my calling as a writer and my struggles with book publishing. I thought he might be saying something like, “Trust me with this, Michelle,” and “Rest in me, Michelle; I’ve got this.” I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I thought those words were God’s way of reassuring me: “Don’t worry, Michelle, I will make you a successful author in due time.”
Turns out, that’s what I wanted those words to mean. What God actually meant was something quite different.
God, it turns out, wants to save me from myself.
In the words of Emily Freeman, God has been trying to teach me how to live in the kingdom he has built for me, rather than in the kingdom I have been trying to build for myself.
I am finally listening.
There’s nothing wrong with ambition, drive, dreams and success. There’s nothing wrong with working hard toward a goal. God has work for each one of us to do, and he expectes we won’t slack off in doing it.
However he also expects us to hand over the outcomes of our work. He expects us to rest in him. He expects us to do our best at the work he has given us to do, and then hand the rest to him: the expectations, the fears, the hopes, the outcomes, and even the results of our work.
This is where I go wrong every single time. I do the work, because I’m a Hard Worker, but then I cling with a vice-grip to the outcomes. And when the outcomes don’t line up with my expectations, I cling all the harder.
This clinging wears me out. It’s exhausting and disheartening and just plain depressing. It’s the clinging to the outcomes, not the work itself, that makes me question my career and calling. It’s the clinging that makes me wonder if I’ve made a grave mistake, if maybe I shouldn’t be a writer after all.
“The subtle difference between my work feeling heavy and my work feeling light,” writes Emily Freeman, “lies 100 percent in whether I’m holding onto the outcome of my work.”
When God said, “Trust me. Return to me and rest in me,” he was referring to something much, much bigger and much more important than publishing success and career success. He was talking about my relationship with him.
God is calling me to live here, right where I am, right where he has me for a reason. In the smallness. In the now. Regardless of outcomes. Regardless of results.
The truth is, I can’t be in right relationship with God while I am holding so tightly to something else. I can’t hold on to both God and outcomes. The outcomes have to go in order for me to live in a true and right relationship with God. He knows this.
It’s why he said, “Trust me.”
It’s why he said, “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.”
God wants to save me.
This post was inspired by Emily Freeman’s new book Simply Tuesday: Small-Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World. She didn’t ask me to write this post or talk about her book. I’m not on her launch team or anything like that. But I loved this book so much, I want to shout about it to the world. I read it through twice and took copious notes, and have been pondering and pondering her words and how God is speaking through her to me about my striving, bigger-better-more-more-more tendencies. Highly recommended, friends, especially if you happen to be a Type A Times Ten Strivey Striver like me.
Hi Michelle…..I just had a phrase pop into my head. I am a movie buff. Whole shelves of my favourites occupy my den wall. I am forever using lines from movies to make a point or add something fun to a conversation. I believe it was in “The Untouchables” where Sean Connery says to Kevin Costner, “Therein lies the lesson.”
It appears to me that after some stretch of time, you are indeed learning the lesson God has for you. This is beautifully worded, perfect Scripture verses for the lesson you’re learning. God is such a personal God, dealing with each one of us in ways that fit us. I know some of how, shall I say “tortuous”, this has been for you, and I have sympathized with all the emotions this “lesson” has held for you. I know it has been anything but easy. God is never in a hurry, and He waits for us to catch up with Him, waits for us to recognize what He is saying, what He is doing in our circumstances. Being what He has called you to be, a Writer, (He is a Writer too), still stands. It’s just that you must do what you were born to do, and leave all results to Him–results you probably will never see the full extent of…..and being okay with that. Leaving it in His hands, Trusting Him to accomplish the results from what He’s birthed in you. Tough lesson, but a good lesson, as His lessons always are.
I look forward to all He will birth in you in the future.
Blessings, jillie
Thank you so much for this, Jillie – so beautifully said. It’s been a journey, and I’m still on it. God is so good, isn’t he, even when his lessons are tough. I’m so glad to see you here, friend.
You are an excellent writer! No problem there. You encourage and inspired many people. Just keep writing as you feel inspired–the results may not be apparent right now, but they are there. You have a real gift and you are called to use it.
Thank you, Arlene – your kind encouragement means so much to me.
Il commence à être fatigué, il arrose… En tout cas ça m&oet;é9#nn3rait qu'il fasse la coupe David cette fois. Allegro pourra p-e jouer son premier simple ailleurs qu'au TC Grône…
Your gifts inspire all of us. Today’s message I will carry with me and try to share with everyone in my path. Thank you so much for sharing with us all. Bev
Thanks, Bev, for your encouragement and for spreading the Word!
Again, your words touch my heart where and when I need them. Than you for sharing yourself with us
And thank you for reading, friend.
Hello Michelle,
I think it’s safe to say you have turned my world upside down. From one Type A+ to another you have taken me out of the red zone. Thank you for such inspiring words. I think you made me realize by letting go of the outcomes I somehow change them for the better, and that better better be God’s better, not mine. This is post I’ll read many times.
Amen – I like the way you put that, Annette: “that better be God’s better, not mine!” That’s the key distinction, and the mistake I’ve been making for so long.
God cares more about our character than he does about our gifts. He desires us more than what we can do for him. I enjoy reading your posts.
You’ve got that exactly right: He desires us, our presence, our relationship with him, way more than he desires our “good deeds.” My get ‘er done personality struggles with that!
Whew! This is SO good Michelle. I too am coming to the point (I’m a slow learner) where I am realizing that God is ALWAYS concerned about relationships (being) ~ between the two of us and me and others ~ and rarely about the work (doing).
Thank you friend.
Aw, thanks, Caryn…right there with you in the Slow Learners Club. 🙂
It’s a difficult lesson, Michelle, but one in which God taught me, too. Now I’m trusting that the outcome is fully in His hands.
Blessings, my friend!
You are a very good role model for me in this, Martha – thank you for that (and always, for your continuing encouragement here – I appreciate that so much).
Hi Michelle. I found this post after Emily shared it on facebook. I have never read your blog but I’m sure going to start! I felt like I was reading about myself. Type A times ten… uh huh. All that. Letting go of outcomes has been my biggest challenge but lately I feel more and more called to lay down my push for results. And it’s funny because my kids are finally old enough for me to start pushing harder. If only I knew this truth when I was up to my ears in diapers. I prayed for the ability to count changed diapers and bedtime stories as outcomes but I never could. And now that I might be able to speed things up I’ve got Something Bigger telling me to pull back, to stay this course of letting go and living small. I’m anxiously waiting for my copy of Simply Tuesday. From what I’ve heard and read it sounds wonderful. Thanks for sharing your heart today. You are not alone!
“Small” is my One Word this year. So small that I forgot all about it for awhile. That difficulty of separating the work (obedience) from the outcome (God’s faithfulness) is a real challenge for me and when I sometimes stumble into that healthy place I find it such a place of joy and freedom. Joining you in your prayer Michelle and hoping we both find ourselves delightfully small more often!
Tremendous insight, Michelle. Good work, sweetheart!!!! Emily’s book is on my list, that’s for sure. Thanks for this one – and all of ’em, actually.
While I’m not a Type A personality or even a writer, I found this really resonated with me as an visual artist as well. To not enjoy the process of creating art, and instead focus on whether someone will like the outcome, is a waste of time and can even keep a person from creating at all.
When I “just do it,” and create something for myself, I’m much happier with the art and with myself. If someone else likes the outcome then that’s great, but should never be the focus of what I do.
Thanks for this most excellent post, Michelle.
Once again your honesty in your writing has embraced my heart and from all the comments I think you hit a nerve with many of us. As I age I am finding what I used to lean on as strengths – my independence for example – something I bragged about and was proud to have – is more of an obstacle in my faith walk – I rely too much on myself and not on God for example. Our strengths can serve us well but not control us or determine our paths. hard to discern at times. Good thoughts Michelle. Have a great weekend so glad we have connected.
“God has been trying to teach me how to live in the kingdom he has built for me, rather than in the kingdom I have been trying to build for myself.”
man, this.
Emily’s book has taught me all the things as well. I can’t stop underlining it.
and then this made me cry: “God wants to save me.”
Thank you, Michelle!
Timely for me.
Can you tell me where in Isaiah the return to me verse is?
Melanie