I’ve been reading a lot about habits lately. Most of what I’ve been reading (books like Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives, by Gretchen Rubin, and The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg) has focused on habits as they relate to our physical lives: more exercise, more sleep, healthier eating, less alcohol, less fingernail gnawing, and the like. But it struck me, as I read, that learning how to form and keep good habits can be applied to our spiritual lives as well. After all, what are spiritual disciplines if not habits – routines and practices we engage in regularly to keep our spiritual lives alive and well?
I’m pretty good at forming and keeping good habits. I’ve been running three or four miles three or four times a week since ninth grade. I go to bed early and aim to get at least seven hours of sleep each night. I eat a side salad with my dinner most nights of the week.
I’ve always assumed my ability to form and keep good habits is largely a result of my Triple Type A rule-follower personality, and as it turns out, I am right. I’m good at habits because, according to Gretchen Rubin, I am an Upholder, which means I “respond readily to both outer and inner expectations.” I both make and follow rules for myself, and I readily follow the rules others make for me. I’m kind of a robot that way.
Upholders are typically self-directed, have little trouble keeping commitments and resolutions, and easily meet deadlines (in fact, according to Rubin, Upholders often turn in assignments early. Hello – I turned in the Luther manuscript two weeks before my deadline). The downside to the Upholder Tendency is that we often struggle when rules aren’t clear, we feel compelled to meet expectations, even when the expectations are pointless (for example, whenever I get the new issue of Better Homes and Gardens in the mail, I feel driven to read it cover to cover right that very second, like I have a pleasure-reading deadline breathing down my neck), and we tend toward gold-star seeking, hoop jumping, and mindless rule following.
Rubin identifies three additional Tendencies in Better Than Before. Here’s a brief summary:
The Questioner — Questions all expectations and will meet an expectation only if it’s justified. Questioners are motivated by reason, logic, and fairness and typically like to decide for themselves whether a course of action is a good idea. They also traditionally like to research and acquire plenty of information before making a decision. The down side to Questioners is that they can suffer from “analysis paralysis,” and they tend to reject expert opinions in favor of their own conclusions (which is not always a bad thing). [By the way, my husband is a Questioner – he comes from a family of lawyers. A Questioner and an Upholder in marriage…this is why we almost broke the Myers-Briggs personality test when we took it as part of pre-marital counseling].
The Obliger — Responds readily to outer expectations but struggles to meet inner expectations. The Obliger is motivated by external accountability. They do well when they know there will be consequences for their decisions. Because they go to great lengths to meet their responsibilities, Obligers typically make great colleagues, employees, and friends. However, they struggle with self-motivation and, because they have difficulty telling people no, they are susceptible to burnout.
The Rebel — Resists all expectations, out and inner alike. Rebels need to work toward goals in their own way. They wake up thinking, “What do I want to do today?” rather than “What should I do?” or “What do I have to do?” As Rubin points out, “At times, the Rebel resistance to authority is enormously valuable to society.” On the other hand, Rebels often frustrate friends, colleagues, and family members because they refuse to be told, or even asked, to do anything. [I strongly suspect my youngest child is a Rebel. Help me, Jesus.]
Now. There’s a reason I am telling you all this (besides the fact that it’s fun to figure out which category fits us best). Over the next few weeks I’m going to be writing about Six Spiritual Habits. For the record, I’ve never liked the pairing of “discipline” and “spirituality.” Even for a Triple Type A rule-follower, “discipline” feels too punitive to me. But “spiritual practices” or even “spiritual habits”…that feels right. During this series, I’ll come back to Rubin’s Four Tendencies from time to time as I talk about how the six spiritual habits work for me and how they might work best for you.
Let me tell you in advance: my spiritual habits aren’t exactly traditional. You won’t find me writing about Scripture memorization or contemplative prayer, at least in the ways they are traditionally practiced. But I’m hoping that by inviting you into some of my non-traditional spiritual practices, you might be encouraged to seek new and different ways to connect with God as well, and perhaps even integrate some of these practices into your everyday or weekly routines.
See you next Tuesday for the first Spiritual Habits post.
So tell me: Which Tendency are you – Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? You can learn more about the four Tendencies at Gretchen Rubin’s website and take her Habits Quiz to figure out which Tendency fits you best.
I’m an upholder too, so I relate to what you’re saying here: “We tend toward gold-star seeking, hoop jumping, and mindless rule following.” Interestingly, I was irritated this weekend by a fellow rule-keeper who was upset with me when I actually DID break a rule. I found her too rigid, which I find hilarious since it’s how I am myself. 🙂 I’ll look forward to your new series!
That’s funny, Lisa!
I am an obliger who often helps others meet their expectations at the expense of my own expectations. This is my natural proclivity, as well as being raised to be an obliger. But I am coming to realize this and change this. Which is feeling rather empowering. And while I didn’t want to disappoint the key players around me, they are not disappointed at all. Instead they are proud and encouraging me. Thanks for the article. Looking forward to your series. Anxious to read about your spiritual habits.
Awesome progress, Theresa. Obliging can be wonderful – you are ready to help and generous with your time and energy. But, like you pointed out, it often comes with too much self-sacrifice – have to find a balance there. I’m proud of you, too! 🙂
I’m an Obliger, though I see a lot of questioner tendencies in myself as I become more self aware and older. I took the quiz at two different times to see if it would change. It didn’t! Although I am a Classic people pleaser, I’m getting better at practicing more self care and tending to my own needs in order to stay spiritually fulfilled and balanced. I’m married to an Upholder who can be very harsh when others dont’ meet his expectations, which sends me into full Obliger mode and indeed, has left me emotionally exhausted after 25 years. I’m pretty sure we have revised three Rebel daughters, which would be very fitting. God is winking at us every day, just waiting for us to get the joke an dfind the lesson here.
Our tendencies, or spiritual strengths, are very strong and serve really good purposes in life. They can. Also be obstacles for growth if we don’t get outside of our comfort zones and decide that loving others and offering grace is more satisfying for relationship building. We’re all put on this earth to work in ways that bring us all closer to each other and God. Exploring possibility outside of our tendencies might just make us a little more compassionate and appreciative one another.
Ingrid, I think you should be the one writing this series — really insightful comments here about how our habits can help or hinder our spiritual lives. I’m going to come back to your comment as I am writing this series for sure. Thanks, friend!
I’m an Upholder, but only because I locked my Rebel in the bathroom about 25 years ago.
Hahaha, Sheila – this has me laughing out loud!
But it’s the truth!!
I am a Questioner. I love to research and collate, or connect the dots. In Scripture I feel the gift of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, Counselor, Guide, Teacher… Is my preferred ‘habit’. Listening to this quiet still small voice from the 3rd person of the Trinity is my go to discipline. It keeps me on my toes to direct my thoughts through this grid of protection. It also brings freedom to not be a people pleaser! JMO….. Love you and will enjoy reading your series.
I am an Upholder, that’s for sure. I like rules and I like structure, although I do love those moments when God gets me to think outside the box.
Looking forward to this series, Michelle!
Blessings!
Just like Ingrid, I was named an Upholder by the quiz, while I know I also have some real Questioner tendancies – especially with my experience of some very unrealistic bosses in the past.
As I feel I have a lot in common with you Michelle, it is a coincidence that I am listening to “Better than Before” by Gretchin on CD’s in my car. I just renewed it from the library in order to have the time to listen and fully grasp the message on this talking book.
I want to pass on this quote from the last book I read “The Afterlife of Stars” by Joseph Kertes. The main character and his brother got their first english books. (Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn)
“I wondered who would get to keep the nice leather case for the 2 books. Wouldn’t the books have to stay together when they weren’t being read? Once we switched off the lights I could think of nothing but the wall of books above me, the voices entombed in the pages, the bulge of them. Were they wondering if I could hear them all? Were they listening to one another? What would happen if each book were given its own room, like the room it was written it? What a palace you’d need to house them all?”
Thanks for your enthusiasm in sharing ideas.
Correction – I mean I was named an Obliger in the quiz, but as with all categorization there is blurred lines with all the categories.
This series sounds fascinating. Can’t wait. I am definitely an Upholder. Get er done! and must be perfect or near close. I agree with you on the word disciplines, I like faith practices. can’t wait to read your next post now….get er done, Michelle
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Hye Michelle, thanks for accepting me here.
I am a Questioner, I agree with Ingrid, just a touch of Obliger to soften the rough edges. I had a looong, 30 year marriage to a REBEL whose motto was “Rules Are Made To Be Broken”, while mine was/is “Make It Meaningful”. It was a really long hard time and ended badly, I don’t know if these types are supposed to have complimentary pairings but I know that someone coming in the door with some completely hair-brained story that I can’t even find a question for, no starting point, there may not even be a mate for them. I’m an Anglican, living in Canada and am looking for a good online study as my health doesn’t always allow for me to get out according to schedule. Now I have to go find the other blogs that I have not read yet.
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