I went to Tuscany seeking answers regarding my vocation. I looked forward to the quiet respite, the chance to think deeply about who I am as a writer and where I want to go. I anticipated experiencing much beauty, art, contemplation, prayer, community, and above all, vocational clarity there.
I found much of that amid the rolling wheat fields and ancient, cobblestone streets; among a new group of acquaintances-turned-friends; at the table laden with good wine and food; alone on hot afternoons, tucked under the wisteria vine, bees buzzing into lavender, lizards sunning emerald on the path.
But I also found something in Tuscany I never expected and certainly didn’t invite. I found more questions than answers, questions that had been stewing just below the surface for a long, long time.
On the very first morning, sitting at a tiny, metal table in the courtyard garden of our hotel, the questions bubbled to the surface, and along with them, a startling revelation.
“The reason I’m not clear about what to do (my calling), is because I don’t truly know who I am (my authentic self). And the reason I don’t know my authentic self is because I don’t truly know who I am in God. And the reason I don’t truly know who I am in God is because I don’t know God in a deep and intimate way.”
Well then.
Thankfully, as I told my travel companions later that week, I was still struck numb by jet lag and couldn’t quite wrap my sleepy brain around what I’d just penned into my journal. My mind was still encased in a layer of gauze, a timely protection against so stark a realization.
That morning, I simply stared at the words I’d written for a moment, and then clapped my journal shut and joined the group for a tour of Florence.
Two days later, though, the reality of that revelation hit me hard. There I was, tucked into a shady grove with my journal open on my lap, a stunning view of the Tuscan hills unfurling in bands of gold and cypress as far as my eyes could see, and I couldn’t stop crying. I also couldn’t stop repeating, “Shit. Shit. Shit.”
It was the Sabbath, and the theme of our morning reflection was rest. But the pages of my journal that morning stayed blank. I’d written only a single sentence: “I don’t have rest in my life because I don’t have rest in God.”
That’s when the revelation fully revealed itself. Everything begins with our relationship in God. We don’t have rest in our lives if we don’t have rest in God. We don’t have clarity in our calling if we don’t know who we are in God.We can’t know who we are, period, if we don’t know who we are in God.
God had given me clarity. But it wasn’t the kind of clarity I’d expected, or frankly even wanted.
“I wanted a different story,” I wrote later in my journal. “I don’t want to hear what God is telling me. I keep asking, ‘What should I do next? Where should I go?’ and he keeps giving me different questions, harder questions.”
Earlier that week, our spiritual director had told us, “God’s greatest invitation is to know God deeply and truly. And to know yourself in light of that.”
I wasn’t in Tuscany to find answers to my vocational angst. I was in Tuscany to come face-to-face with my deepest fears: that I didn’t truly know God; that I didn’t truly have a relationship with him; that I still wrestled with deep questions of doubt and even, at times, of unbelief; that I still struggled fiercely in my faith.
As it turned out, the “hope to which he had called me” had nothing to do with my calling and everything to do with knowing him.
Truth be told, there had been hints of these smoldering questions in the weeks and months preceding my trip. Sometimes, in the early evenings when I walked Josie and sat for a moment on our favorite bench, I heard unexpected questions bubble to the surface. One cool spring evening, for example, this question presented itself, seemingly, inexplicably, out of nowhere: “Why do you have trouble with intimacy?”
I didn’t know where that question came from or what in the world to do with it. And frankly, it was easy for me to ignore it, to allow the distractions and busyness of my life to sweep it away. To get on with deadlines and laundry and walking the dog.
The question makes perfect sense now. I struggle to form intimate connections with friends and loved ones because I have not found intimacy with God. Because you see, our relationship with God is the foundation, the everything. All things — relationships, community, vocation, satisfaction — are built on that. My identity as a beloved child of God is everything. Without that, I have nothing. Without that, I am nothing.
I’d love to tell you I found everything I was seeking in Tuscany. I love to be able to wrap up this story all pretty with a big, shiny bow and a sigh of relief. But that’s not quite the case.
I do believe I was invited by God to that specific place at that specific time in order to go deep, deeper, perhaps, than I’ve ever gone before. I do believe my time in Tuscany was transformative. That’s what I’ve told people who have asked about my trip. “It was life-changing,” I say. And I mean it.
I just can’t quite see exactly how yet. But to know I was invited to Tuscany and wooed by God there is enough for now.
Thanks, Michelle. Similar stirrings/questions w/in myself. I’m glad you got to go to Tuscany, and listen (and drink wine:))
I’m glad too. It was truly life-changing. Thanks for stopping by, John.
Thank you for your open transparency. We all walk the same path, we all struggle with this. None of us are saints…
I’m glad to have your company on the journey, Gayle.
Pretty much the most powerful post you’ve written my friend….and so true. We need to get down to bedrock of our beliefs, because everything we create comes out of our relationship with God. Oh, how he loves you! (and the s-word in your post….just made me smile. quite appropriate.)
What Judy said! 🙂
I love how you put that, Jody: “We need to get down to the bedrock of our beliefs.” Yes and amen. Thanks for stopping by here, and for your email too – I really appreciate it.
Every word of this felt like wine….
Giving your heart like this?
Parched a deep thirst I didn’t know I had.
Thank you, Michelle….
I’m so glad, Ann. Really appreciate you stopping by here. Thank you.
I absolutely love your questions and the transparency of your wrestling. What a gift that God took you to Tuscany to keep the conversation going.
Exactly, Lisha…to keep the conversation going, and to take it to a whole new level, really. Thanks for stopping by, friend.
Truth spoken into a noisy world, friend.
I always appreciate your presence here, Marilyn – thanks for listening.
This is the game changer… I spent so many years striving and earning… And I am so thankful He is a pursuer… A lover of our souls that long for a deep intimate friendship with us!!! It is much like a marriage… A heathy marriage… At 35 years of marriage I trust… Relax and rest in Mark’s love more and more each year… What we share now far exceeds the early years… The more shallow waters of love… It’s a gradual growing trust… Growing love that takes us deeper and deeper… Abiding in God’s amazing love changes everything!!! So thankful to hear how God is meeting you… Loving you to getter abiding and freedom!!! XO
I love your comparison to a healthy marriage that goes deeper and draws us closer – that is a beautiful metaphor of God’s wooing and pursuing, isn’t it? Thanks for being here, Ro.
Michelle – I love this post so very much. This is EXACTLY why I’ve always loved your writing and felt such a kindred spirit-ness with you and your words – THANK YOU for being so transparent and REAL. I have to admit, I drooled over every single pic and update all of you gave of your trip – I’ve been to Tuscany once in my life, and its hands down one of the ‘thin places’ for me, and one of my favorite places on the PLANET. I am so glad God used such a dreamy exquisite place to give you these realizations. When you talked about wanting to share a different story, and that God keeps giving you deeper and harder questions, I resonated SO VERY MUCH. Thank you for being vulnerable. Whether you realized it through these words you helped us all remember we are not alone in our struggles.
Thank you so much for your kindness, Sarah – that means so, so much to me. I love your exuberance, sister!
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I think of the passage in The Last Battle, where people are going “further in and higher up.” I wonder if that’s what God is calling you to: Further in and higher up. Sending along a hug. Your writing and generosity have ministered to me. I wonder what good things God has in store for you in the days and months ahead…
Thank you so much, Katie. Your friendship across these cyberwaves has ministered to me, too. Thank you for always being here with a wise, kind word.
love you, Michelle
Love you back, Megan. xo
Michelle, I am soooo happy you alerted me to this blog. Thank you so very much! You’re right: I’m totally immersed in writing my workshop. We have two more sessions to go. But I would have (and did!) stop everything to read this! Thank you so much for caring and for calling my attention to it. I knew this trip would be transformational… but just not sure in what ways. And you are still unpeeling the layers. You’d hoped to wrap up the story, and instead you are unwrapping yourself. But isn’t that the way of God? He does exactly what we least expect, but always exactly what we most need. I am so grateful for your utter transparency, and your willingness to share your Tuscan journey (and all of your journey, frankly). It’s misfitian, but that is how He seems to work in you. I have always appreciated this quote by the famous French theologian Jean (John) Calvin: “Man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself.” I believe it is from his Institutes, and I have seen it worded in various ways, but that is the essence. Your spiritual director was right. And isn’t this what God Himself tells you? “Be still and know that I am God (Ps 46:10).” Start right there: with the great I AM. Tell Him, “Lord, I want to know you–truly know You, face to face–just like Moses did.” Search for Him with all your heart, and you will surely find Him. He promises that you will. Yes, it starts with knowing God. And how amazing that the Lord should highlight the word intimacy for you, because that is exactly the deeper meaning of knowing Him…the kind of knowing that exists between lovers. Michelle, when all is said and done, the Tuscan trip was just the catalyst. It’s now that the real journey begins. All else will flow from your knowing God, all else will be secondary to that (though amazingly wonderful). But first things first: Know Him. And He will show you who you are. I’m sooo excited for you. Be of good courage. He will reveal Himself to you. Muchlove, Lynn
I love this, Lynn. Thank you so much for your encouragement and wise words here. I especially love that Calvin quote, as well as your observation that my time in Tuscany was just the catalyst, just the beginning. In a way that scares me, because part of me doesn’t want to do the hard work of knowing on a deeper level. But I see the necessity of it now, I really do. “Be of good courage” – I’m going to tuck those words into my heart. All my love, Lynn…
Ah, yes. The hard, yet so essential truth. We must know ourselves as loved in God before anything ever makes any real sense. May I gently suggest you find a spiritual director somewhere near you, someone who can listen and pray, ask good questions and help you discover YOU and also, more of God?
Good advice, Diana. I’m not sure where/how to look for a good spiritual director – that practice isn’t much part of the Lutheran church. But I think you are right – it would be so helpful.
my Lutheran pastor’s wife is a Spiritual Director! and there is a website out there (can’t remember the name of it) that is a directory of Spiritual Directors!
Michelle, I have felt this question(s) in you for years. My heart has yearned for and lips have prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to you and in you. Amen and amen! You are on the edge of a life change you cannot possibly have guessed at previously. God chooses to reveal His true and full Self to relatively few people (at least so far in history.) You are one of those.
Relax. Speak one prayer and one prayer only: “Yes Lord.” This is the key that fully opens that door. I call this the blank check prayer. Whatever He calls out for you the answer is “Yes Lord.” He loves you, deeply, and will only call out that which is for your good and the good of those around you, in eternity.
“Yes Lord.”
Amen and amen!
Wow, Robert, this comment made me catch my breath – it’s so powerful. Thank you for your prayers – that means so much to me, knowing that you have been praying this for me all along. And thank you for your wisdom, too – I need it as I step foot onto this path.
I love you my sister.
Christ be with you today and always.
Bob
“yes, Lord” really spoke to me this morning as I read this and gave me a lump in my throat. Thank you for this gentle simplicity.
Oh Michelle this is so wonderful. I love how God took you all the way to Tuscany to reveal Himself and call you to Himself. I cannot wait to see what spills out of you over time as a result. It’s not something you will produce on your own but will come out naturally – very much like this post – describing what God is doing in and through you around you. I have no doubt the words you put to what you see God doing will inspire, encourage and challenge us.
More please 🙂
Your words, shared in truth, seemed to awaken something in my heart. Thank you.
Enjoyed following you on your lovely retreat!
Thanks, Reme – I’m so glad this post stirred something in you. That’s why I wrote it. Before I hit publish I hesitated, because honestly, it all seemed a little TMI, but I went ahead, because I felt my story might be someone else’s story, too. So thanks for validating that. 🙂
Michelle, Beautiful, candid, real. . .I wish we could sit down for tea (or wine?) and we could share our stories. I plunged into murky clarity six months ago. My realization was “I know nothing and I don’t think I even know you, God.” However, it began a journey of freedom, light, and depth that astonishes me. One of the best books I read along the way was Richard Rohr’s “Falling Upward”. I am writing about these questions and thoughts and hoping to launch a website in early September. Looking forward to journeying with you.
I read Falling Upward a few years ago, and I think it’s time to return to it with new eyes and ears. Have you heard his podcast with The Liturgists? I listened TWICE through – so rich and deep. http://www.theliturgists.com/podcast/2016/4/12/episode-35-the-cosmic-christ-with-richard-rohr
I look forward to reading about your journey, friend – congratulations on taking the plunge into writing on a website!
These words: “The reason I’m not clear about what to do (my calling), is because I don’t truly know who I am (my authentic self). And the reason I don’t know my authentic self is because I don’t truly know who I am in God. And the reason I don’t truly know who I am in God is because I don’t know God in a deep and intimate way.”
So True.
So Impactful.
Thank you for sharing.
Off to ponder now.
Thank you, Kim – I’m really glad you stopped by – thanks for taking the time to read my crazy thoughts!
love your honest transparency and your seeking heart to hear God. You inspire me!
Aw, thanks, Jean – you are such an encourager. I hope you had a fabulous trip to Germany!!
I love this post, partly because I spent two weeks in Tuscany and wish I could be back there. But also because it strikes a cord with me. I’m not really a religious person but I rarely have time, or give myself time, to ponder the big questions. I’m too caught up in the day-to-day and rarely alone with my thoughts. I need to do something about that. Not sure what it is. Yet another question I don’t give myself time to ponder. It’s a Catch-22!
Exactly, Mary Jane – it’s REALLY easy to let ourselves be caught up in the everyday comings and goings of life. Everything feels like a priority and it all feels like it must get done ASAP. Some of that is real pressure, but some of it (at least in my case) is my unwillingness to allow myself the time and space to go deep…probably because I am afraid of what will be revealed (with good reason – it was sort of traumatic to find myself weeping and completely undone in the middle of Tuscany!). But I think it’s important soul work that allows us to know who we are, and, at least to some degree, who God is.
It is so amazing, isn’t it, how God calls us deeper and deeper, to stillness where we can truly know Him and have that intimate relationship He desires from us.
Marvelous story; beautiful photos!
Blessings, Michelle!
This post reminds me of that story of the disciples, when they come in from fishing with empty nets. And Jesus tells Simon, I think it was, to go back out and drop his nets in again – I think He even uses the phrase, “Go deeper,” in one of the translations. It’s not enough to skirt around on the surface, in shallow waters. God really does want us to go deeper, because he knows that in doing so, we will come up full.
Thanks, Martha!
Michelle- Your words ring of a truth and a longing we all feel as we seek the Father’s heart. Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing what He is doing in your life, and the deeper questions He has you asking. We often shun those questions that challenge our status quo- fearing that we will be totally undone by the revealing. But God reveals not to shame, or leave us naked. He exposes us to reveal deeper truths and beauty about Himself and us.
It is hard to speak truth about what we are learning when it lays bare our soft underbelly, so to speak. You are brave and we are grateful! Just remember that we, your faithful readers, are not looking at you to “figure it all out” and hand us “THE ANSWERS.” 😉 Do not be burdened by any expectation of complete understanding, but rather, enjoy and share the journey you are on. As we read about your journey, we, too, are encouraged to dive into our own journeys of discovery. Let us all seek to embrace the unknown as God takes us many unexpected places in order to expose His true nature and heart for us. It is not about our DOING or ARRIVING, but about knowing and being known, and resting in that relationship of LOVE. Blessings, dear sister on your continued journey of faith! I am so glad we are on this journey together!
This is SO beautiful, Dia. And thank you, for your words about not feeling pressure to hand out answers or wrap it all up neatly – I do feel that expectation sometimes (not from anyone by myself). It’s liberating to read from you and others that revealing the journey and how God is working in my heart is more than enough. Thank you for that. Peace, friend – I’m glad to be walking together on the journey with you, too.
Truth BOMB!! Wow, Michelle, you really got down to the bone on this one! I will be re-reading this post and reading all the comments, because it and they are all full of truth. I am so glad I have stuck with my subscription to your blog, because this one post will be worth all the past ones combined. Having an intimate love relationship with God is something I am just learning about this year, and your post pushes me leaps ahead of where I was. Thank you! This was obviously not an easy revelation for you, but at least you were in beautiful surroundings! This was probably not that easy to write either, but I so appreciate your efforts to communicate to your readers what God revealed to you. God is blessing you in this process, and He is blessing each one of us that reads your post here! Amen!
“I’d love to tell you I found everything I was seeking in Tuscany…”
Actually, i think you did.
I so loved reading this, touches a tender part in my heart too. Thanks for sharing. I’m excited for where God is taking you in this journey. 🙂
Wow, Michelle, I have no words! Your words have a touched my heart in a way it needed to be touched but had not. I have been vvisiting my son and family for a week and just now read this. I have been doing much seeking and questioning lately, especially since the sudden and unexpected death of my oldest child 2 months ago. This touched me in a way that I can’t explain. I see more clearly what my REAL problem has been and that is the HUGS 1st step I have needed. Thank you for always being so real and authentic in your writing…it always touches something in me that moves me in a way that was most needed!!
Michelle, I’ve been following your blogs for a little over a year now. When I read this one yesterday it brought tears to my eyes — You wrote: “I wanted a different story, I wrote later in my journal. ‘I don’t want to hear what God is telling me. I keep asking, ‘What should I do next? Where should I go?’ and he keeps giving me different questions, harder questions.” That was the touching point, and then you went on to talk about intimacy, intimacy with God and resting in God. The words of your spiritual director that “God’s greatest invitation is to know God deeply and truly. And to know yourself in light of that” went deep for me as well. My journey is simple, really, but I am finding that simplicity to be a great challenge now at this phase in my life because God keeps giving me the harder questions, too, and I haven’t always recognized that, or welcomed it. Thank you for your beautiful words and sharing your intimate thoughts. I have work to do. God has always known that about me and has been extremely patient, loving and kind as he waits for me to move closer.
Oh how I share in your angst for direction and deeper relationship/knowledge/connection with God. Thanks for sharing your journey on your blog and in Spiritual Misfit. I think we’re kindred spirits:)
I so appreciate your telling of your search as I feel quite “new” at deeper faith. I understand the destination, I just can’t see the route. Luckily I’ve found a new church which I think will help. And I guess as they say, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” Although that destination is our goal, my oh my, that journey is exquisite in itself!
I found you through the hashtag on Instagram for the Tuscany Writers’ Retreat and am enjoying your photos and particularly enjoying your words here on this. I am on a parallel journey and you brought some beautiful clarity to me today. I say that I ache for intimacy but I really don’t, but why?
Have you read Parker Palmer’s book Let Your Life Speak? That has been THE book for my summer. I’ve already gone through it three times because there is so much depth and honesty and clarity there too.
Oh friend… I’m thankful that God met you there in that way, unexpected (and perhaps at times, somewhat unwelcome) or not. And I’m glad that you stopped and listened and made yourself vulnerable and shared what you were hearing and thinking. I’m glad to know a fellow traveler like you along this often lonely road of doubts and questions and not knowing. Thank you for sharing bravely. And for not shying away from these hard things. I love you much. <3
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