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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

May 9, 2018 By Michelle 13 Comments

3 Ways to Fail Better

I set a personal record in my fifth half marathon last week. Except it’s not what you think. My PR was for my Worst Half Marathon Time Ever. And not my worst time by mere seconds or a handful of minutes. My worst time by many, many, many minutes.

This was a race I’d trained for diligently since December – more than five months of near-daily running, incrementally building my distance over time. And yet, less than two miles into the 13.1-mile course on Sunday, I knew.

I knew I was going to have a cataclysmically bad run. I knew there would be much suffering and gnashing of teeth (to say nothing of quivering muscles and gasping for breath).

I seriously considered quitting at mile six. Lumbering down the street, runners passing me on my right and left, my breath ragged, tongue parched, leg muscles stiff and heavy as tree trunks, I weighed my options. Realizing I didn’t have a way home, I reluctantly pressed on, though I couldn’t fathom how I would complete seven additional miles.

Long story short, I made it. I finally staggered across the finish line and even received a medal for my efforts. But in my mind, the race was an epic fail, not only because of the time but because of how catastrophically bad I’d felt all the way through.

One thing you should probably know about me, if you don’t already, is that I don’t fail well. As a Type 3 on the Enneagram, failure is anathema to me. Type 3s are all about success and achievement, results and outcomes. If we show up and do the work, we expect results, and we expect those results to match our expectations, thank you very much.

But here’s the hard truth about running a race (or anything in which you have an expectation of results): No matter how well you plan, prepare, practice, train and line up your ducks ramrod straight, you cannot control the outcome. You cannot predetermine the results.

No matter whether your failure is personal or professional, whether it’s private or on display for all the world to see, failure stings. Walking through failure can leave you feeling battle-worn and world-weary. It shatters your confidence, fans the flames of self-doubt, fuels feelings of shame and does a number on your ego. Failure clouds your judgment and skews your perspective. Failure is hard on your mind, your body, and your soul.

I’ve thought a lot about the half marathon since I stumbled across the finish line on Sunday. And let’s be real: this isn’t my first failure rodeo, not by a long shot. Along the way I’ve learned some things about failure, and specifically, about how to “fail better,” as author Dani Shapiro once said, so I thought I’d share a little bit of my hard-earned wisdom with you today.

3 Ways to Fail Better

Let yourself be disappointed.
It’s good and right to acknowledge that things didn’t turn out as you’d planned and hoped for. You bombed the presentation. You earned an F on the exam. You were passed over for the promotion. Failure hurts. Allow yourself to sit with that hurt for a little bit. Don’t brush over it, bury it or write it off. There will be a time to dust yourself off and begin again, but for now, for a little while, let yourself feel the disappointment, frustration, sorrow and even anger with how it all turned out.

Acknowledge that sometimes you can do everything right and still have everything go wrong.
As a Triple Type A Enneagram 3 Super Planner Overachiever, I find this infuriating. If I’ve done everything right, I feel like I am owed the outcome I expect. Maybe you do, too?

But the truth is, running (and pretty much any endeavor we engage in and every goal we pursue) is an exercise, literally and figuratively, in surrender. We can plan and prepare, we can cross every “i” and dot every “t,” but as I said earlier, we don’t get to determine the outcome. Stuff happens. Sometimes there’s not even a reasonable explanation for the stuff that happens. We face our failure. We acknowledge our disappointment. We learn what we can from the experience. And then we begin to work on letting it go and beginning anew.

Celebrate the small victories.
You may not recognize them at first, but believe me, the small victories are there. After I posted about my PR for Worst Half Marathon Ever on social media on Sunday, my friend and writing coach Ann Kroeker messaged me with an encouraging, supportive response. (By the way, it’s wonderfully convenient and helpful to be working with a super positive and encouraging writing coach while you are in the midst of a personal failure. File that one under Good Timing.)

“In a way it’s almost more significant to have done it in imperfect conditions,” Ann acknowledged, referring to the unseasonable heat the day of the race and the fact that I was still recovering from an illness. “There’s a whole story here about following through even when circumstances are not as you wish they were. You carry on.”

Truth be told, I hadn’t thought of it that way. But Ann was right; I had carried on. I showed up at the starting line even when I knew I probably wouldn’t be at my best, and I gutted out the race, even under less-than-ideal circumstances. File that one under Small Victories.

No one likes to fail, of course. Failure is humbling and discouraging, and there’s certainly no fun in it. Yet failure is important, even critical, because it’s only in our falling down that we learn how to get back up.

And at the very least, in failing this time, we learn a little bit more about how to fail better next time.

::

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Beginning Again After Disappointment
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Filed Under: failure, running Tagged With: running, the benefits of failure

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Martha Orlando says

    May 10, 2018 at 7:18 am

    Yes, we will all fail at something at some point in our lives. Why not do it well?
    Great post, Michelle, with great advice for all of us.
    Blessings!

    Reply
    • Michelle DeRusha says

      May 10, 2018 at 8:35 am

      Thank you, Martha! Have a great day, friend!

      Reply
  2. Mary Jane Bruce says

    May 10, 2018 at 9:04 am

    One of the problems I have is that I ruminate over failure. Forever. For example, I recently woke up in in the middle of the night thinking about some parenting misstep with my son when he was in middle school. He’s now 28. Clearly, this is not productive and I need to learn to Let. It. Go. But try telling that to my brain at 3 AM!

    Reply
    • Michelle DeRusha says

      May 10, 2018 at 10:03 am

      Oh my gosh your comment made me laugh, Mary Jane. But I’m only laughing because I get it – I do the same thing. It’s hard not to keep replaying the mistakes over and over again, especially in the middle of the night.

      Reply
  3. Lynn D. Morrissey says

    May 10, 2018 at 9:14 am

    Michelle, I wouldn’t even be caught dead running, so what you consider your failure is a great story of success to me. I think too what really encourages me (especially if my failure was an out-and-out sin, deliberate or unintentional sin), that Jesus’ love, forgiveness, and compassion are bigger than *any* failure I could ever commit. And I think of people, whose failures are recorded in the Bible for all the world to see. Jesus gave them 2nd, 3rd, and umpteenth chances when they turned to Him. Peter is such a wonderful example of that to me. So carry on, and fail forward. I think when we learn from failure and move ahead and not let it hold us back, failure can actually be an opportunity for learning and growth!

    Love you,
    Lynn

    Reply
    • Michelle DeRusha says

      May 10, 2018 at 10:04 am

      Yes, absolutely – and David too …ancestor of Jesus, and yet boy did he mess up big-time. Grace, grace and more grace. Love you too, friend!

      Reply
  4. Jody Collins says

    May 10, 2018 at 10:53 am

    That ‘surrender’ word…. I wrote something in my journal last night about the word ‘yield’ being more powerful than ‘stop’ when it comes to road signs (In the context of dealing with sin… letting go of our focus and control on n o t sinning gives it more power…). Not exactly apples for apples, but still surrendering outcomes and trusting Jesus in all things. I tend to try to over control things which leads to great disappointment sometimes, I can relate to the lesson here. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Michelle DeRusha says

      May 10, 2018 at 1:59 pm

      Overcontrol. Yup…raising hand here. Thanks for your comment and insights, Jody.

      Reply
  5. Kathy says

    May 10, 2018 at 12:10 pm

    I found your words comforting to me as I feel like a failure in my attempts to be a good wife. I realize I can never meet the expectations of my husband. He is not a Christian and doesn’t understand why I can’t be perfect since I go to church and read the Bible. I’m glad to hear that failing is a good thing because I can reflect and grow from the experience. It’s humbling to know we can never be perfect, only the Lord Jesus is the perfect man. As I grow in my spiritual life, I find that dying to self and my efforts leads me to living a victorious life in Christ. He always leads me into victory as I rely totally on Him.

    Reply
    • Michelle DeRusha says

      May 10, 2018 at 2:04 pm

      Oh Kathy, I’m so sorry. That is so hard, especially when your husband has such high expectations of you as a “Christian wife.” Man, if I were held to those standards, I would be the worst of all failures. Mabe you could share Paul’s thoughts from Romans with your husband. Even though he’s not a Christian, they might resonate and help him understand a bit better than even though we try to follow Jesus, we are inherently flawed, and thus sin and sin again, even when we have the best intentions:

      “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (Romans 7:15-20)

      Peace be with you, friend.

      Reply
  6. Susan Howell says

    May 11, 2018 at 7:15 am

    To me, in this circumstance, failure would have been quitting at mile 6. You persevered and finished. That’s amazing and a triumph of sorts. Be proud of yourself. Some people, myself included, wouldn’t even begin.

    Reply
  7. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says

    May 11, 2018 at 12:18 pm

    Congratulations on finishing your fifth half marathon! I’m sorry it wasn’t a rousing success — but your experience reminded me of my favorite Andy Rooney quote: “Everyone wants to live at the top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.”

    You’re not only climbing, Michelle, you’re inspiring us to climb, too.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Michelle DeRusha | Beginning Again After Disappointment says:
    May 23, 2018 at 5:01 am

    […] admit, in the days following the terrible-no-good-very-bad-half-marathon, I seriously considered giving up running for good. Doubt and fear dampened both my confidence and […]

    Reply

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Living out faith in the everyday is no joke. If you’re anything like me, some days you feel full of confidence and hope, eager to proclaim God’s goodness and love to the world. Other days…not so much.

Let me say straight up: I wrestle with my faith. Most days I feel a little bit like Jacob, wrangling his blessing out of God. And most days I’m okay with that. I believe God made me a questioner and a wrestler for a reason, and I believe one of those reasons is so that I can connect more authentically with others.

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