I tried to think of softer, more sophisticated title for this post, but the fact is, I’m quitting book writing, and there’s really no other way to say it. Turns out, I wrote a book about the journey toward uncovering your true self, and along the way, I discovered my true self does not align well with my work. This is knowledge I think I’ve understood deep down for a long time, and yet, I’ve held on, clutching and grasping with all my might, unwilling and afraid to let go.
Until now.
The truth is, working as a traditionally published non-fiction writer is a rough sea to swim in if you wrestle with a desire for success and recognition, if you grapple with a longing for approval and affirmation or if you tend to fixate on outcomes. Plenty of writers are able to navigate a smooth, steady course through these tumultuous waters without losing their whole selves in the process.
As it turns out, I’m not one of those writers.
I’ve learned the hard way over the last ten years of writing and publishing that staying whole and healthy in this vocation is, for me, not a simple matter of willpower, nor is it a simple matter of surrender. It’s not about trying harder or surrendering more. Believe me, I’ve done both. I can muster every ounce of willpower and surrender six ways to Sunday, and the bottom line is still the same: working in traditional publishing is not good for me. My tendency to seek affirmation and validation and my desire for recognition and success can quickly veer toward addictive behavior if I’m not careful. It’s a little like an alcoholic working in a bar. It might be doable for a while, but in the end, it’s probably not a wise choice for a long-term profession.
Last fall, two months before True You released, I stood at the curb with Josie on the leash and gazed up at a large pine tree in my neighbor’s front yard. The tree was wrapped round and round with a thick vine that snaked from the roots up the trunk, fanning out along the limbs and branches. I saw that beneath the lush and vibrant vine, the tree itself was dying, its needles crisped brown, its branches brittle.
Not long after that late autumn walk, as Brad and I sat talking on the living room sofa, he offered a quiet observation. “Your work as an author in Christian publishing has brought you more sorrow than joy,” he said gently, as the snow wisped outside the windowpanes.
I knew the moment the words left his mouth that they were true. I knew I was the pine tree wrapped round by the vine.
In that moment I finally acknowledged that the culture of publishing is not a place I thrive. I can’t separate my self – my whole, true self – from the platform-building, from the push to attract and attain more followers and subscribers, from the Amazon ranks. I can’t separate myself from what often feels like a relentless drive toward bigger, better and more. I can’t separate myself from wanting to be known, affirmed and recognized by the “right” people.
That winter afternoon, sitting on the living room sofa with my husband, I finally understood that I can’t unwind the vine. And honestly, I’m flat-out exhausted from trying.
This has been a hard truth to face. There are the logistics, for one. I was contracted to write another book, which means I’ve had to withdraw from that contract and pay back the advance I had received to write the book. That is hard.
But even harder has been the unexpected grief that’s accompanied this decision. It’s painful to acknowledge that the story I wrote for myself in my mind and in my dreams all those years ago didn’t write itself the same way in real life. There have been joyful chapters, to be sure. But there have also been many, many chapters full of sorrow, disappointment, bitterness, resentment, anger and frustration. There is heartbreak in recognizing and acknowledging that my dream did not turn out as I had imagined and hoped it would. There is grief in letting go of the story I’d hoped would be true.
But there’s also hope in knowing the story is still being written. As Emily Freeman writes in The Next Right Thing: “Just because things change doesn’t mean you chose wrong in the first place. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it forever.”
As Esther de Waal says in her book To Pause at the Threshold, “Our God is a God who moves and he invites us to move with him. We must be ready to disconnect. There comes a time when the things that were undoubtedly good and right in the past must be left behind, for there is always the danger that they might hinder us from moving forward and connecting with the one necessary thing, Christ himself.”
God is moving and he is inviting me to move with him. It’s time.
So I am sad, yes. But I also know, as Emily Freeman says, that I didn’t choose wrong. And I know this because of you. I am full of gratitude for you – the generous readers who have come alongside me – for your kind words, your emails, your comments, your hugs when we’ve met in person. I’m grateful for what you have taught me along the journey. I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned – about myself, about life, about faith.
And I’m also full of expectant hope for what might be next. I’m confident that even though I can’t clearly see it yet, what’s to come will be different, but it will also be good. I know this because I know God, and I know that he is good.
For now I am content to continue my work at The Salvation Army. I am glad to do my small bit for an organization that does good work. Most of all, it feels good and right to do that work anonymously, without fanfare, without pushing for recognition or readers, without trying to attract attention, without trying to be known.
As Akiko Busch writes in her book How to Disappear: Notes on Invisibility in a Time of Transparency, it’s time “to reevaluate the merits of the inconspicuous life, to search out some antidote to continuous exposure, and to reconsider the value of going unseen, undetected, or overlooked. Might invisibility be regarded not simply as refuge, but as a condition with its own meaning and power?”
I think it might indeed.
As I walked Josie along our favorite path a few weeks ago, I noticed that the branches of the white swamp oak were bare. The leaves that had held on through the long, hard winter had finally let go. Beneath the tree’s naked limbs lay its desiccated foliage, crumpled, ripped and bedraggled from months of hanging on tight through tossing winds and stinging snow.
Standing beneath the bare tree, I tipped my head back and saw that each branch and twig were crowned with a tightly curled bud. Over the dark days of our long Nebraska winter, the oak tree had been slowly, quietly working undercover, preparing new growth that has, I see now, begun to burst free.
First the letting go, then the unfurling. As is so often the case, the trees have shown me what I needed to see.
: :
I wanted to let you know that though I will not be writing books, I still hope, God willing, to write in this space. After months of discernment I was relieved to realize that writing is still life-giving for me. And so, if you’re still game, I would love to still meet you here from time to time and monthly via The Back Patio newsletter. I am ever grateful for you.
I think you were very brave and wise to come to this understanding of yourself and to make this hard decision. It could not have been easy and no doubt the decision brought on it’s own type of grief. But new days are ahead, new possibilities await that God has in store for you. I was, however, very relieved to hear you would still be writing on your blog and in newsletters, as I always enjoyed your insight and writing and photographs. Now you can be free to write when and what you like as your words come t o you. They are so valuable to many of us. Be gentle with yourself and move forward.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Laura!
This is exactly what I was going to say!
Thanks!
I am a published writer too. I’ve never written a book though others have encouraged me to do so. My writing hasn’t been for self-affirmation. The goal is to edify, educate, encourage, or enrich others. Primarily, it’s been aimed at taking God’s principles from His revealed Word and apply them to life and to issues facing us either as Christians or as fellow human beings in the world. I write essays that have been published in major national newspapers and in Christian publications–both Catholic and Protestant. For me personally, it has been a service to others on behalf of God. I have been privileged with responses from a great diversity of people who have expressed being either challenged or edified. Some of my articles have been translated in other languages. So I’ve been surprised at how far the thoughts, ideals, and principles have gone.
I wish you well in this next stage of your life. Consider it a time of service to others on God’s behalf. The sense of others being blessed or informed is most satisfying. It’s important that such writing be balance with truth in love and both truth and love.
I really appreciate your perspective and wisdom, Helen. Thank you.
I think you are brave and courageous. True You is on my TBR stack and I look forward to reading. Blessings as you continue to seek God’s path. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you, Elizabeth – and I hope True You resonates with you!
Just read your message about not writing any more books. Your messages are such blessings, Michelle, I’m glad you’re going to continue with your Christian messages in non-book forms.
God is beside us every step of the way and He holds us tightly as that vine wraps the tree!
And YOU, Mary, are one of the many reasons I am grateful for this journey. Thank you so much for the encouragement, friend.
Thank you for sharing and may your courage , heart and would be nourished in the days and months to come as you follow God and His plans. Blessings on you and yours.
Thank you for the thoughtful and heartfelt prayer, Diane.
I have just recently discovered your writings. Before I finished the audible version of True You, I ordered it in paperback. I knew it was a book that I would want to wander through and think deeply on the questions you posed. It is encouraging to hear that though there is grief in your decision, there is joy in knowing it will strengthen the connection between you and God. Looking forward to reading (on your blog!) more about your journey with God.
Mindy, that makes my heart sing. Thank you. I’m so glad God spoke to you through True You.
Since I’ve had the pleasure of copyediting your last two books, I was sad to read this. At the same time, I affirm 100 percent your courage to recognize and embrace what leads you to life and joy. Please know that it has been a privilege to walk alongside even short portions of your publishing journey . . . to play a small part in sharing your voice with a larger audience. I’m grateful I’ll still be able to connect with you through the blog, as God leads.
I am SO very grateful for you, Julie. You helped the Luther and True You books be the best they could be, and I am grateful for the talent, skill and energy you dedicated to them. And thank you, too, for your affirmation here; it means a lot to me.
You know how I feel about all of this. But I wanted to say it here too … I am still shifting between deep sadness and this urge to stand up and wildly cheer and clap and whistle. You will always be one of my favorite authors. Love you so much.
You have always been such an encouragement and a true champion of my work and of me, Jennifer. That our paths crossed along this journey is a gift I will always be grateful for (and I fully expect we will keep in touch!!!). Love you too.
As I read this, I thought…what a beautiful writer. Thank you for being brave and honest enough to say what many feel but are afraid to acknowledge. Praying that this pivot, this turn, would be full of life and lightness in your soul. ((Big hug)).
Thank you for your prayers, Katie.
I have so enjoyed reading your blogs. God brings them to me and just the right weight. He’s also teaching me about letting go as he teaches me this crazy world of self-promotion it comes with being a writer and where I stand in it in with him. It’s all quite confusing. I think you for what you write and I will keep you in my prayers. Keep well in this season of waiting and watching for the next right thing to come.
Thank you for your kind encouragement and your prayers, Susan. I wish you well on your writing journey and as you navigate the ups and downs of marketing and promotion.
Thresholds are scary, beautiful places…like the “thin places” the Celtics talked about…where heaven and earth meet. I can’t help but think your husband’s words were whispers on the mountain for you…heard after the wind, earthquake and fire. Your words here bring hope to the security found in living of our true selves when all else feels shifting. Thank you!
I am reading about thresholds and the thin places of the Celtic tradition right now in Esther de Waal’s book To Pause on the Threshold – it’s resonating with me so much. And yes, I think you are right, Denise. The quiet voice of the Holy Spirit was speaking through Brad in that moment.
I loved your book, Spiritual Misfit. I left pastoral ministry ten years ago, and it was similar to what you’re saying here. It’s taken me ten years to “forgive” myself for leaving. But I knew all along that I had to leave for the health of my body and soul. I like what you said about just because you’re called to do something doesn’t mean you do it forever (something like that). I needed to know that again. And I love to write. I’ve always wanted to be published, and I have a blog. But I’ve reached the point that a blog is enough. I see what you have to go through to get “recognized” and it involves a lot of behavior that I need to let go of as well. I needed to know letting go of that dream was not giving up, just as I needed to know that giving up the call to pastoral ministry after 19 years was not quitting or failure. Thank you for your words and for your honest struggle. I get it! Keep being gentle with yourself!
I hear you Peggy. There is definitely some shame to contend with in this decision, as well as forgiveness of oneself. I just hope it doesn’t take me 10 years to let it go. 😉 Seriously though, thank you for sharing a bit of your story; it means a lot to me to know I’m not the only one who has walked this road.
Finding who we are meant to be often takes some trial and error. Change takes courage. Bravo for doing the hard but life-giving thing!
I intend to stay on your email list because I’ve enjoyed and learned from both books and blog.
Trial and error, so true. I call it two steps forward one step back – it’s been the story of my life…probably the story of every life. I’m glad you’ll be staying on the mailing list, Loretta.
Well, now I’m crying. This was bold, and beautiful, and brave. So very brave. Thank you for sharing this with us, because I’m sure you are not the only one grappling with the hard that is staying true to ourselves while pursuing our creative work. XOXO
Well it doesn’t feel very brave! 😉 But thank you for saying so. I appreciate your comment Beth; thank you for your encouragement today.
Wow, Michelle, I’m blown away by your courage and certainty in making this tough decision. You do know that I’ve enjoyed each and every one of your books, and this news makes me sad that I won’t be seeing more in the future. Yes, I pray you’ll keep this blog going for a long, long time, and that wherever God is leading you now, you will find your True You.
Blessings, my friend!
Martha, you have been such an encourager for so long – how can I even express how much that has meant to me?! Thank you for being here every step of the way. I know you understand the ups and downs of the publishing journey.
Thank you for living out this powerful example, Michelle. My guess is that many of us authors are in the same place as you, but are still “clutching and grasping with all [our] might, unwilling and afraid to let go.” I appreciate your honesty and your desire to do what pleases the Lord and will help you to grow in grace and sanctification, even when the decision to do so is costly.
Thank you for such a kind, kind comment, Kate.
You’re an amazing woman. You don’t know me (I found you through hope*writers), but I have been following and reading. You are a gifted writer and clearly a wise person. I am just beginning this writing journey and it may take me down a long path to nowhere. I’m with you, it is hard to navigate all the different aspects(and at present, I am not doing it well). All the best to you – I will be here reading your posts with anticipation.
Hi Faith, I’m glad you hopped over here from Hope Writers (a terrific community, by the way!). I wish you all the best in your writing journey – there is much to celebrate and be grateful for in that. And thanks, in advance, for sticking around here. 🙂
I think this is an incredibly brave decision! It is so hard. Both my husband and I have walked through similar decisions in our life and even now moving forward with new dreams we both have to stop and pause and evaluate our motives. It’s so easy to get sucked into desiring affirmation and approval.
It is SO easy – for everyone, I think, but especially for those who are prone to be wooed by affirmation and approval. Thanks for your encouragement, Nathana.
Michelle, dearest Michelle!
Ever since you wrote about this news in the Back Patio, I’ve not been able to release you and your decision from mind and heart. I’ve reached out to you a million times since, in thought and prayer. I knew I wanted to write to you at length, and the words are still forming, and my heart is still grieving. But since you have publicly informed us here, and since I love commenting on your blog (because you are one of the few authors left still writing them regularly and as a real host dialoging with those guests seated at your table), I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank you here too, now, publicly. And I think another reason I’ve not written to you yet is that I was not reading your grief. I didn’t want to superimpose that on you, or confuse my grief over your decision to stop writing books with what you might not have felt in the same way. But you have expressed it here. You have expressed the death of your dream. I’m so sorry. Death always hurts. There’s no way around that. But this post is also filled with the truth that life springs from death. There’s no way around that either. This post glistens with hope and new life and joy and unfurling buds. It pulses with your obedience to God and with your faith and trust and hope. And when you believe in the Giver more than the gift, you realize that He will always want you to use it to bless others. He never “gifts” us exclusively for ourselves. He never blessed us just so we will be content and fulfilled personally. He gives and blesses so that we in turn will bless others. That will never stop, and you will continue to bless others as you always have with your truly beautiful writing (you’re one of the best!), with the truths and insights and experiences He bestows to you. The packaging of your writing gift is really the only thing that is changing. God loves words that bring Him glory and honor, and when we write truth (whether it is from good times or bad) to help others. It’s then we glorify Him (and not especially because we write books). And there are so many ways to write those words that go far beyond books: blogs, journaling, correspondence, journaling, notes of cheer and encouragement, writing your family’s history and your own life experience to leave a legacy for your family, news and magazine articles, and essays and promotional literature for a worthy organization, such as the Salvation Army. The possibilities are endless as God is infinite. You have been born a writer, and so you will always write! I know this was an excruciating decision, and I understand it. I have experienced something similar (and it has been painful and disorienting). I also think that the publishing industry (partly because of the economy, and partly because of the competitive, promotional atmosphere t it seems to thrive on fostering) is a conflicting atmosphere for Christian authors, especially. How do we reconcile all that with walking humbly with our God and in lifting high the Cross of Christ? I’m still trying to understand that. I am not saying things as adequately as I would like, but I want you to know I love and respect your decision to put down your book-writing pen, to know that I absolutely love your writing (and as I will repeat for the gazillionth time, you are one of the few authors who writes equally well in numerous genres!), and I have been changed by your writing. That is the biggest compliment of all, when your God-led writing transforms lives. True You has been a true watershed for me personally. Please consider me a friend, always, and a friend always champions another friend in decisions, small and large, effortless and arduous, as long as they are God-led. And this is. So I wipe my tears, and wave my flag, and say, “Well done, good and faithful friend. I’m in your corner!” And I will also add that I understand this angst on a very personal level, very personal indeed. Thank you for letting us know, and I’ll be praying for God to bless you even more abundantly so that your beautiful words continue to flourish, just in new ways and new places. And I stand on tiptoe to read every one!
All my love and encouragement,
Lynn
Lynn, you articulated so beautifully what my heart was longing to say to Michelle. What a hard decision, but I’m so proud of you Michelle, for making it, knowing that God holds all your tomorrows. As a Christian writer, we seem to get caught between what started as a ministry for God, yet gets trampled on by the publishing world’s expectations and the two do not always, even rarely, seem to align. As a Christian blogger, and a traditionally published author, you’ve given me much food for thought. You will be fine whatever you choose to do because God knows the plans He has for you, and they are good. He promises you a new and beautiful future, and a hope! (Jeremiah 29:11)
“God holds all your tomorrows.” I love that, Michelle – thank you.
Michelle, this: “what started as a ministry for God, yet gets trampled on by the publishing world’s expectations and the two do not always, even rarely, seem to align.” Yes, yes, they rarely align. You too understand and have hit the proverbial nail on the head. One of my mentors, now w/ Jesus, told me, “Lynn, you don’t need to compete, and be vying for attention with these authors who do. It’s the publisher’s (and publicists’) job to spread the word about your books.” She was right, but she also wrote in that golden CBA world and era of publishing when expectations for authors and publishers was different; each had a distinct job to do (and authors job was to write, period). Things have sadly changed, and authors must wear many hats and do many jobs apart from writing. And it is often killing the very gift that should be our focus. I’m not sure how to change that. As I’d expressed, part of it is the ruthless economy, etc., and publishing is a business. Still, they contribute to the elevation big names and big promotion. It’s surely a dilemma. In the end, ours is to obey, and you have ended your wonderful note of encouragement to Michelle (and to us all) with the TRUTH that God always, always gives us a future and a hope. We leave the results of how that manifests to Him. I appreciate what you have shared here (so eloquently, I might add).
I’ll be coming back to reread this comment more than once or twice, Lynn, you can be sure of that. There is so much wisdom and guidance here. I think out of all your gifts (and there are many!), that’s what I appreciate most. You are so wise and so thoughtful in your responses. You always offer something rich to ponder. I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you – I deeply appreciate you.
Yes, yes. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it forever. It’s easy to say but difficult to swallow, this turning away from what you thought would be towards something different. Still good, but different.
There is grief and there is joy all mixed together and I’m glad you’ve articulated it here. And while we both know the desire for validation, recognition, and success is not unique to publishing, it certainly is a profession that brings those things to the surface.
I’m glad to know you are moving toward what seems to be a more life-giving space. Cheering you on always!
As you can probably imagine, your chapter in The Next Right Thing on quitting something really resonated with me, Emily. 🙂 And yes, you are so right – I have struggled off and on with the desire for validation and success in many of the jobs and career paths I have chosen in the last 30 years. I think, though, that the public nature of publishing has made it that much more challenging for me. I am healthier in a less visible vocation, it seems.
I understand completely, Michelle. God bless you and others from your heart.
Thank you, Michele. So grateful to have “met” you along the way.
That had to have been an extremely difficult decision for you, Michelle.
Good for you!
You are a truly courageous woman…blessed in so many ways…a true blessing to so many.
Whatever your next chapter holds, I know it will be good. 🙂
Thanks for being such an encourager all along the way, Joe!
I totally “get it.” You are brave and doing the next right thing. Amen. Selah.
Thank you, Susan.
Michelle, I read this news in you email with sadness and also hope and bravery. Thank you for stepping out and saying the truth. For knowing yourself and when to stop what is not working for you. You are showing much courage. May you find your next thing and thrive with it.
Thank you, Theresa!
As you know, I know……..quit happens!
But, I have a saying forever stuck in my head:
“Sometimes, on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one.”
Kay
I love that, Kay – thank you!
Girlfriend, you are so brave. I hope you feel as light as a feather when you’ve settled in on this new path. And who knows… it might lead you in a circle down the road. Love you big!
So true. God works in mysterious ways, right? Thank you, Sandy. xo
The Lord does mighty work in winter seasons. I love the lessons from trees!!!!!
I highly recommend this book!!
https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Hidden-Years-Yours/dp/1591454212/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=1EABN0R4H223V&keywords=alicia+britt+chole&qid=1556028122&s=gateway&sprefix=alicia&sr=8-2
Tx for recommending this, Kathy. I want to ck this out, and there is another book fairly recently published on Obscurity (that may even the be the title), and the author remains unidentified.
L.
Thanks for the book recommendation, Kathy – I will definitely check that out!
Even in the hard things I love how you lead with authenticity. So very grateful that our writing journeys made us roommates and friends. Your words will continue to whisper in my ears and I’m anxious to continue to see where God leads next.
I, too, am so grateful for the time we had at Laity and the opportunity we’ve had to get to know one another over the years, Jen. Thank you, friend.
How heavy to read! But honest and clear. It’s wise to know we don’t have to hold onto our talents and duties forever. We can move on. But please never silence your voice. You have wisdom to share, a gift to others.
Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement, MK – I really do appreciate it and am grateful for you.
I thank you for your honesty and humility. Your book, “Spiritual Misfit”, was a great help to me when I was going through a spiritual desert. I am, as are many others, pleased and relieved that you will continue to share your insights on your blog. I pray that as you pass through this valley of grieving you will feel God’s peace and his overwhelming love for you.
Kathy Mabrey
I’m so grateful that God ministered to you through Spiritual Misfit, Kathy – thank you for letting me know that!
I resonate with every word you’ve written here and I haven’t even published a book yet…. oh boy!
Something to think about, yes? Thanks for reading my post, Ali.
It takes a lot of courage to follow what God has planned for your life. I hope that you will keep us tuned in to what is going on in your life.
I am hoping to do that, Deborah – thanks for being interested. 🙂
This moves me so much. I’m wrestling with how my words need to surface, where God wants me to put them and the logistics of my life. You’re brave Michelle and I’m grateful for your story in this space.
Keep wrestling, Marcy- I am confident God will give you the insights you desire in his good time.
I’m so proud to call you my friend. You are brave and strong and are listening to God’s whisper in your heart. What a sweet husband you have to be so honest and supportive of your journey.
Brad has been so supportive all along the long way. 🙂 And YOU, friend – you are the bravest.
Thank you, Michelle, for writing what you did write. I’m sure there were people, like me, who benefited greatly from what you wrote. I am in a time of transition myself so I understand that moving on is painful at times. The only thing that never changes is the need to change.
I am praying for you as you navigate this season of transition and change, Barbara. And thank you, too, for your kind words here.
This: “But even harder has been the unexpected grief that’s accompanied this decision. It’s painful to acknowledge that the story I wrote for myself in my mind and in my dreams all those years ago didn’t write itself the same way in real life. There have been joyful chapters, to be sure. But there have also been many, many chapters full of sorrow, disappointment, bitterness, resentment, anger and frustration. There is heartbreak in recognizing and acknowledging that my dream did not turn out as I had imagined and hoped it would. There is grief in letting go of the story I’d hoped would be true.”
SO TRUE and so relatable even outside of writing. I, too, have had a dream that didn’t write itself the same way in my reality and it has been brutal to let go of it. Thank you again for your honesty. It is so refreshing. Peace to you as you both greave and breath deeply in the knowledge that you made the right decision for YOU.
It’s hard and painful, I know. Thank you for understanding and for your kind words here today, Chelsea.
Reading your beautiful words, I nodded right alongside you. I get it. What feels like the death of a dream is most possibly the birth of something that will make your soul sing even more beautifully. I think about Mary Magdalene weighed down with oil and spices as she went to do her work at the tomb of our Savior. She was grieving, yet doing what she knew to do next. Shocked by the news from the angel, she runs away to tell the Good News to the other disciples. While on her way, she sees Jesus and falls to His feet to adore Him. She must have laid her burden down at the tomb. Mary could neither run with her hands full, nor could she reach out and touch Jesus if she was still holding on to her vision of what was “supposed” to happen. Thank you for sharing this truth and empowering more of us to be brave at setting down our spices.
What a beautiful example you’ve shared, Katie – I have never thought of that story in that way before. I so appreciate your insights and kindness.
I can’t imagine how hard this is on you. It’s never easy to go through loss—loss of what we hoped would be. Knowing who you are though yields great reward for moving forward in the future. Maybe not with fanfare or accolades, but a deep assurance of who and Whose you are that causes your soul to rest. Some things are only for a season as you said, and many of us have benefited from that season. Bravo, Michelle for leading the way toward our highest calling! Many blessings!
There have been some tears today, I admit — but mostly over the outpouring of generosity and kindness that is flowing toward me. So thank you for being a sweet part of that chorus today, Wendy, and for your encouragement as I take the next step forward.
Michelle… I have always resonated with your writings… with your heart… and what has been true all along is our integrity!!! And this move just confirms this even more… I love how you spoke about this move fully within yourself… not bashing the publishing industry (which I know you could have)… not question other writers abitly to stay in the game… but you kept this right in the integrity spot!!! I know God will continue to lead you through this next season of life… and I can say from my vantage point… a few miles further down the road… this life is full of twist and turns… and so many surprises along the way… blessings to you sweet lady!!!
And I’m so grateful for your encouragement and kindness along the whole way, Ro – your comments and emails are always so wise and insightful and above all kind and grace-full. Thank you.
I have enjoyed reading your books especially “True You”and will continue to read your blog. You are a great inspiration for finding the truthful way to live life. You show by your example how to become a loving and caring individual and make the world a more beautiful place.
I am looking forward to following your future work. Your humble guidance keeps me on an enlightened path.
Thank you for sharing
Uncle Kevin! You’re the best. And Aunt Pat, too. 🙂 Thank you for thise sweet comment here today. xo
You are a wonderful writer, and I am sorry there won’t be more books from Michelle Derusha. But it is generally true that you can make far more money annually with a salaried job (and maybe, not even work as hard) than you can with a writing career. Though I enjoy writing, I never pursued it wholeheartedly for that reason. My full time job afforded me more benefits (besides health care and retirement) than a writing career ever would. Or so I believed, being the thoroughly practical person that I am.
There’s no shame or failure in giving up on a dream. Letting go is difficult. But once you let go, it opens space for healthier pursuits to come into your life, which (might) give you the fame and success that you crave.
If God made you to need a significantly higher level of success, recognition, and approval than writing afforded you, he will open a door to it. Previously, he may’ve wanted you to learn suffering and humility instead, but it seems the writing career enabled you to learn that lesson thoroughly enough, and it’s time to move on.
I don’t believe God is threatened at all by our success. Even if we were to succeed “into the stratosphere,” is still infinitely less a single one of God’s achievements.
So when you find the niche in which your natural talents and traits (high need for success, recognition, approval, etc) allow you to shine to the level that you crave, just be sure to thank God for those talents and traits … and I am sure you will.
I appreciate your thoughts here today, Catherine – you’ve given me some interesting insights to ponder. Thanks for offering a refreshing take on my decision – I’ll definitely be thinking about what you’ve said here in the days to come.
This was a very brave step for you to take, Michelle, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but I know God won’t let you down. He will continue to guide you forward in the way He has planned. I’m till working through your book, True You. It has already been a blessing to me. I have now subscribed to your blog and newsletter. May God bless you richly as you follow His leading!
Hi Gayl,
I’m so glad God is speaking to you through True You – that makes my heart glad. And thanks, too, for signing up for the blog posts and newsletters; I’m glad we’ll still be in touch. 🙂
I had to go slow and drink this in because it resonated in many parts.
Also, the book you shared I added to my Amazon cart–so timely.
Thank you for being brave. Thank you, a million times over.
Peace is such a gift. Signing up for you newsletter too!
Thank YOU, Meghan, for your kindness (and for signing up for the newsletter 🙂 ).
When I read the title of your post, I knew I’d need to read it. I also recognized that I’d probably want to read it through my [metaphorical] fingers, barely daring to process your wise words. Because I definitely understand the things that you’ve described here. And because, though I applaud your wisdom and courage and maturity to follow through on a hard thing revealed to you, I grieve the world’s loss of you as a book-writer. But what you’re doing and what you’ve shared here — I know they are good things. I pray that God uses you in incredible ways in your next season, that He makes your pathways clear, that He blesses your obedience in this decision. Thank you for sharing your heart here and in all your books. Thank you for serving as an excellent example of following Christ.
Thank you, Mary, for your kindest words – that means a lot of me.
I am game. I will meet you there, whenever that may be.
This made me smile. 🙂
What a gift you are to those of us who are having to say no to things we have been doing for a while! Please keep the emails coming. Thank you for being so courageous. I said no today and came home to read your email. God is so patient with us and knows when we just need a hug.
God’s timing is always perfect! Good for you, saying no today – it’s not easy, is it? I struggle with my nos in so many areas of my life, but God is working on me from the inside out — and on you too, Graceanna (beautiful name, by the way!).
Michelle, your wisdom and grace and courage are so evident. I am nearing the end of True You and gleaning much from it. While I’m sad that you won’t be writing more books, I am so happy that you paid attention and listened to your life. Your next chapter will be beautiful–of that I’m sure–and I’m looking forward to continuing to hear from you here!
I’m so glad God is whispering to you through True You, Courtney – that gives me great joy. And thank you, too, for your encouraging words here today. I appreciate them – and you — so much.
Thank you for writing True You! It was a book used in the process of changing my life and perspectives. I could relate on so many levels and I underlined so much that resonated with me. I’m in a season of quiet right now and have learned that I need quiet, space, time and margin to rejuvenate, reorganize, reflect, and grow. I honor you for being true to yourself and wish you the best in what God has for you.
Landa, I am delighted to hear that God ministered to you through True You! Writing it changed my life too, so we are in it together. 🙂
Although I’ve never written a book, this struggle is quite familiar to me. And I’ve often used the analogy of the bar for the alcahollic when sharing with others. Mine was a relentless pursuit of very specific définitions of success through my career for 15+ years, until I crashed and burned with a severe depression and burnout.
That burnout was God’s saving grace in my life.
I’m sorry for the sorrow Michelle, yet I’m also hopeful to see how He will use this hard journey to produce fertile soil and fruitfulness in a whole new way in your heart. Thank you for sharing ♥️
I’m so sorry you had to experience depression and burn-out, Paola – that must have been a very difficult season. I do believe, though, that God can and does bring good out of every situation, even suffering, and it’s clear that’s exactly what he did with you. And me. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words and encouragement here today.
This was beautifully written and I so appreciate your honesty. I love your writing!
Thank you, Melody – I appreciate that very much!
Your writing is always exquisite.
Your heart is just even more gorgeous, more courageous.
You belong apart from accomplishments.
And your voice is heard apart from any publishing platform — because we lean in and want to see you, hear your heart.
Deepest thanks for how you mentor in me with your actual life.
I send more love than the backs of these thin letters can hold.
Thank you, Ann. Your kind and generous words are balm to my heart tonight.
I have loved reading your books and blog and feel like we “get” each other. You challenge me while also connecting with me. I hope you’ll find ways to continue the blog and I will cherish your books and writing. Thank you for sharing yourself in a very critical world.
And thank you for coming alongside on the journey, Jen – having company like you has made all the difference.
Michele,
Reading your post, and reading the amazing supportive responses that have been posted in just the past five hours, I wanted to join the writing disciples who speak their encouragement, prayers, understandings, and recognition of God’s grace working in your life. I began blogging shortly after rereading Josef Pieper’s book, Leisure, the Basis of Culture, in which he suggests a refreshing understanding of Psalm 46: “Be at leisure, and know that I am God.” I know you will not stop writing. I pray you may be at ease with your decisions and choices.
May our risen Lord be with you in your redeemed leisure.
The outpouring of support and encouragement today has truly amazed and touched me – I didn’t expect that at all! So thank you for adding your kind words to the chorus here, Allan – I appreciate it (and the book recommendation too – sounds right up my alley).
Thank you for sharing your brave decision with us. Looking through the comments it seems your thoughts resonate with so many, including me. I felt such shame when I left teaching years ago because I’d believed I had been called to it, but, like you, it wasn’t good for my health or wholeness as a person. And recently as I’ve left another job and chosen to stay home full time with my young children I am still trying to embrace the beauty of a “small life,” so to speak. Praying for you as you navigate this next chapter in your life. Your writing has spoken to me so much over the years. I look forward to continuing to follow along here. Thank you for the heart and soul you’ve put into your work. It did not turn up void.
The shame is real, Rebecca – I get it. The hardest part in all this was withdrawing from my book contract. It felt weak, like I was letting down a lot of people, quitting, have a poor work ethic, etc., so yeah, that’s been hard. There is still healing that needs to happen there for sure.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Even though we don’t share the same vocation, we have so much in common, and it’s a comfort to know I’m not the only one wrestling in this way.
This is so brave and honest, Michelle. I understand so well. I’m st the point where I feel like I have just gotten too old for all of this. I can’t do all the social media “stuff” and writing another book feels like a mountain I can’t climb.
Your writing has always spoken to my heart in such a special way. I know the Lord is birthing something new. Out of sorrow- joy. How you must delight the Father’s heart as you follow hard after Him. I’m so glad you will continue writing here. I would miss you terribly.
Oh I hear you on the book writing feeling like a mountain, Linda – right there with you. 🙂 Burn-out is real, right? You have always been such an encouragement and so sweet to me – I can’t even tell you how much that means to me, truly.
Michelle,
This is every bit my heart on why I have not written a book. I have been in the same place of platform building and wanting recognition and losing myself in all if it. I told my husband I can’t get the words out of my head, “What is a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” Thank you Michele for so beautifully writing what many of us are feeling. And thank you for having the courage to be true to yourself, because in doing that, you have given us the courage to do the same.
That verse has been absolutely KEY for me these last few months, Holly. Truly. I couldn’t shake it either. The Holy Spirit kept it reverberating in my heart for weeks on end!
I appreciate your kind words here today. Thank you for helping me feel like I’ve made the right decision. 🙂
Michelle,
Your book has opened up a new world for me. After reading it and going deeper into my own motives, I chose to step out of pursuing my career as a professional artist. I’m still painting but more as self-exploration than for the approval and financial “success” that haunts artists, perhaps not unlike writers. I hope to know God more intimately through the very personal avenue of art that He has placed in my life.
I want to thank you for sharing yourself; you have truly made a difference in my life. I will continue to follow and enjoy your blog, appreciating your insights that draw me nearer to my Heavenly Father.
Thank you for your transparency, as always.
Thank you for your obedience and example.
I am cheering you on, and praying for so. much. Joy. to find you in this next season!
Michelle, I’ve loved your writing since way back in the heyday of blogging, when we were linking up to “Tuesdays Unwrapped” at Chatting at the Sky. Your gifting is great, and I so admire the way you’re being faithful both to use the gift God has given you AND to be faithful. I am sorry for the reading public that you won’t be writing more books, but I am grateful for the impact your words will continue to have, and I am even more grateful that you will be at peace with yourself, your loved ones, and God. I appreciate you very much.
I have only just found you, Michelle, but I was so blessed by reading this last book of yours. I will return to it more than once when I’ve forgotten who I am. Thank you for sharing your self-discovery process in the book. I find you to be courageous and generous with your thoughts and heart. Thank you!
Michelle, I have always considered you a writing mentor — and I love your authenticity. Bravo to you for this true you choice!
I am glad you will still be sharing your words. Your voice is needed.
Praying for God to bring you great joy and fresh wind as you step forward into your next season.
One of the hardest things to do is shift directions. There is the constant tug of clinging to a dream and following a dream is thin but real. But in the end, it’s not what we want, but what God wants us to do. He is calling you for a different mission — one that doesn’t include the platform-building, the push to attract and attain more followers and subscribers, the Amazon ranks. He wants to give you peace. I applaud your decision to let go and let God. Brad was right on. May we all remember being an author in Christian publishing shouldn’t bring you more sorrow than joy. And, by the way, you are known, affirmed and recognized by the “Right” Person. God bless!
Thank you for sharing this—so brave, so honest, so vulnerable. You are a beautiful word weaver. May God bless you as you do your next right thing!
you were one of the very first blogs I came across when I found the blog world and I have loved watching the journey and reading all along — reading through Luther story now–on my stack- thanks for the brave courage to know when and how to continue to listen to His voice—-I will be excited to see the story unfold—
Courageous.
Inspiring.
Brave.
Hello Michelle! I can’t thank you enough for this post. I am finishing my first book, and am contemplating the publishing route. I attended a Christian writer’s conference last October and was so disheartened to learn that Christian publishing mirrored secular. It is seemingly all about the money: how can they best market YOU (not Jesus). I was hoping to find fellow Jesus followers excited to share His love and glory through our writing… So for me that experience, along with your post, affirms the route of self-publishing. I simply want to leave a copy of my book on a restaurant table after we have had a meal, hoping the waitress might read it, and learn about God’s love for her. I want to hand a copy to an acquaintance at the gym who doesn’t know much about God’s love for him… I want my writing to be a platform for insight and conversation. Something that communicates God’s impartial and relentless love for people who would never enter a church or pick up a Bible. That is my mission through writing. I don’t want to lose that love or zest because I think I too would check Amazon rankings, etc. So thank you for letting God use you to help affirm His direction for me. Praise God for your willingness to be honest and vulnerable. God blessings upon you as you move forward in an exciting new direction!
Richard Rohr describes liminal spaces as being like a threshold between what is and what is to come (but isn’t yet). I commend you for your courage to step into the liminal space without the assurance of what’s across the threshold. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into the journey. This is sacred space.
But also this: I’m so glad this is not “the end” of your writing, Michelle. May this next season of life (and even your writing) bring you life in ways you’ve been longing for. May you flourish according to God’s deepest heart and desire for you.
Michelle,
To me, the greatest evidence of God is a changed life, when a seeing world bears witness to human transformation. You have not arrived at your courageous decision without deep prayer and study — seeking God — and your words here bear testimony of your changed life. God at work in and through you, and while it brings great glory to him, it encourages each of us who can relate. How can we not cheer you on…and lift your chin, look you in the eye, and say, “Well done”?
You are such a gifted writer, a steadfast voice who points to truth in such a firm but gentle way. I’ve always admired you from afar, wondering how I might inch closer in the way that old school bloggers used to find their way toward one another, but happy to cross paths with your words in print and online. As I shared with you privately, I’ve struggled in similar ways. Much of my own story was what it looks like when you aren’t seeking and relying on God, but instead doing the very things you’ve fought to resist. Yuck. I feel like I’m in recovery :).
Your example infuses a certain hope and strength and resolve in my own heart, not toward self reliance but toward a greater dependency on the One in whom hope and strength are born. I’m *excited* for you! It’s hard to imagine an even better path than the one you’ve hoped for in in the past, and yet I’m convinced your bold step of obedience will lead you in the way! You can’t grab hold of the next rung without letting go of the last, right?
I’m praying for your friend in the quiet moments of morning, praising God for the way he’s at work in you, changing you in a way that reveals Christ in you to a watching world. For he who has begun a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, friend. xoxo
Michelle,
Like very very good Pastors, can do, I have always felt like you were speaking directly to me in your writing. Whether through your emails, blog, newsletter, book or speaking engagements, I often feel deep emotion, of one kind or another (often several simultaneously) on a personal level as I read your words and am often inspired into action. I, too am currently at a crossroads, both professionally and personally (although to be honest, I think I am there everyday “these days!”) and found much wisdom and inspiration to ponder in “Why I’m Quitting Book Writing.” THANK YOU SO MUCH for the past and for promising to continue your future in relationship and connection with all of us! (Have you considered becoming a Pastor? 🙂
It is brave of you to give up on the contract. I feel your pain in this. I understand that many writers are introverts and the platform building goes against our grain. I worked at the knowledge for a while and it stressed me so much that I thought blogging was all I would ever do. With an editor interested in my book, I fear the edit. I don’t want to go through what you have described. Thanks for those words, and today was the day I needed to hear them.
Michelle, this is such a beautiful and brave decision! It has not been an easy one to make, I am sure. But just like you noticed, and just like Emily Freeman said, our lives go in seasons and some things do not last forever. It is now the time to move to the next season. It can be very scary; but it can also be very good.
So beautifully written, Michelle. I absolutely love your realness here. Sometimes I wonder if I just need to let some stuff go and not “try” so hard. It’s a constant battle within my mind how much I should push for something. This article is a breath of fresh air. Thanks so much!
Some say you can not hold two conflicting emotions at the same time, but I do. I’m sad you are no longer book writing and yet happy you have the courage to let it go. And although I’m not a writer, I have often thought about the conflict of being a Christian writer and wanting others to hear your message and on the other hand having to hawk your book.
I have enjoyed being on your book launches, as you have a gift in writing that I admire. And I’m so glad you are keeping The Backyard Patio, open, as I enjoy hearing from you. Keeping you in my prayers.
It sounds like Jesus is offering you an invitation to something deeper and richer and authentic. I applaud you for listening! Your influence will continue in many creative expressions, I have no doubt.
I”m sorry. And I totally get it. I told my husband recently I think I could write books until God calls me home but I don’t know if I have what it takes to be an author in today’s marketplace. The expectations on us feel impossible. I do hope you keep writing. Blessings on this next phase.
Yes! I went through this a few years ago after writing two books. I could not understand why I was so miserable until I let it all go and became nobody.
God has opened up a whole new world to me. I am no longer begging for attention or swayed by jealousy and competition. It’s been so freeing. But like an addict I can’t even get a taste. I have to stay away from the entire world that I was in because one little slip and I am back down that ugly road starving for recognition.
Thank you for your honesty. Much grace to you as you discover a new way of living and breathing. There are greater things!
I have been following you for some years now. When you decided to write full time I prayed for you and found that the Lord was not in full agreement. I usually hold those revelations until a time like this. The Lord was not at peace with you as a full time writer but He was willing to let you travel that path to find out what it is really like. He never left your side, but He let you suffer to learn a lesson you could learn no other way. Praise the Lord.
I have gone through similar suffering and come to a similar conclusion. I can be a big time corporate CIO and make $200k/yr but it destroys my soul, it steals the Peace Christ has given me. So now I run a small technology installation company here in KC. We don’t make a lot of money but we make a lot of people happy and I get to live my faith out every moment of every day. Praise the Lord.
I love you my sister!
Be blessed in Christ.
Bob
Perhaps I’m a little late to your “quitting” post, but better late than not at all. Your words are affirming for me. For three years plus, I’ve struggled with chronic spinal pain which resulted in a March 6th surgery of complexity and difficulties unexpected. Prior to the onset of the pain, I had completed a manuscript of a memoir about my relationship with my mother (yes, it’s been written before!). But I am not one to seek notoriety, fame, fortune, and recognition. I’m always in the back row of photographs. I’m the one who rarely raises her hand to ask a question during a workshop. Build a platform? Too much time away from writing. Social media? I ask you why and what for. Marketing? Not my bag.
Your words plus the quotes from others have made this post something I’ve just read to my husband to help him understand my feelings about wrapping up my memoir and being pleased that I followed God’s leading to write down my stories in the first place. I will not give up writing altogether. I may still submit essays for publication, short memoirs for anthologies, and will keep up my blog. But with this surgical recovery, I want to be more about sharing God’s love among the diverse peoples of our church and city in the hope that my life can be a game changer for someone else.
Thanks, Michelle, for authenticity!
Like Sherrey, I’m late to this post (we must have come across it the same way). Michelle, there is much wisdom here. Many of us struggle, in this loud attention-seeking world, to balance doing work we do to glorify our Creator with knowing when we are pointing to Him and when we are self-promoting. We must make choices that are right for us and what we are called to. Your words are wise.
Strong. Courageous. Wise. You have put words to my struggle right now as well. Thank you, dear sister in Christ. I can’t wait to read more of your writing and I certainly won’t stop just because your thoughts are not put out between two covers with a title slapped on the front. You are that gifted. Thanks again for the clarity.