Last night I went to my church’s Ash Wednesday service – the first time I’d been to an Ash Wednesday service in more than 20 years.
Growing up, I always viewed Lent as a period of self-inflicted punishment – an attempt to earn God’s favor, to “be good” in his eyes. Sacrificing chocolate for 40 days, choking down broiled scrod on Fridays, confessing my sins behind the scarlet velvet curtain every week, even succumbing to the black cross smeared across my forehead – all of it was atonement, yes, but atonement tinged with despair.
Despair because I knew, of course, that I could never succeed; I could never truly win God’s love.
While I sheepishly wiped the ash off my forehead with the back of my hand before I climbed the steps to school, I wasn’t able to wipe away my sins so easily. The sins I confessed to the priest one week in the confessional were recommitted again the next. I chipped away at the fasts I’d vowed – cheating bit by chocolately bit – until I abandoned the whole notion of sacrifice a week or two into Lent.
It was always a relief when Easter finally arrived, so I could be finished with the sham for good.
With God’s grace, I’ve come a long way. Tonight’s Ash Wednesday service heralded not a walk of self-inflicted shame, but of renewal. Not an opportunity to earn God’s grace, but to accept it. Not a punishment, but a repentance.
I didn’t get as much out of the actual service as I would have liked. At one point I noticed Rowan’s forehead wiped clean of the ashy cross, and I was momentarily distracted by visions of a shadowy imprint on the back of my polka dot skirt – or at the very least, a black smudge dusting the back side of my tights.
I did, however, tune in closely enough to realize this: that Ash Wednesday signifies cleansing, restoration, reunion – a time to strip away distractions and step back from obstacles to inch closer in relationship to God. And though I didn’t hear every word of the sermon, or sing every verse of the hymns, that realization is enough for me.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)
