Rowan jumping into a lake in the Minnesota Boundary Waters. Clearly he doesn’t have the same reservations about leaping that I do.
“It shouldn’t be hagiography,” I hear him say on the other end of the line, and I nod, replying, “Oh right, of course. Yeah, that totally makes sense.”
That’s what I say to my brand-new editor during our very first telephone conversation to discuss the 50 Women book. But what I’m thinking is this: “Hagi-wha-wha-what??!!! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh I have no idea what he’s talking about. How in the world am I going to write a book when I can’t even understand the vocabulary my editor is using?! This is not going to work, this is totally not going to work, I’m not cut out for this. I can’t do this. I am. In. Over. My. Head.”
After we hang up I sit on the floor, staring at my notebook. I’d scrawled hageography in the middle of the white page (I spelled it wrong, of course), with about sixteen questions marks after it. Should I quit, I wonder? Should I email Rachelle and tell her they’d better find someone else to write the book, someone who knows what hagiography means for crying out loud? I mean clearly I’m not the right person to write this book. Clearly I’m not smart enough. I had to fake intelligence in my very first conversation with my editor for heaven’s sake. Surely that can’t be a good sign.
I didn’t email Rachelle that day. I didn’t quit the book before I’d even begun. Instead, I Googled hagiography (hagiography: biography of saints or venerated persons), and then I prayed desperately for wisdom and guidance and took a leap into a project I felt hugely unqualified to tackle.
I know I’ve said it here before, but it bears repeating: God expects us to leap – to step outside of our comfort zone, to get uncomfortable, unsure of ourselves, afraid.
Because you know what? When we leap, we trust.
When I’m all comfortable and cozy in my routine, I can tell you six ways to Sunday that I trust God, but that’s because it’s easy. Real trust happens when I take a leap of faith. When I’m insecure, doubtful, hesitant, afraid, awkward. When I don’t know what in the world I’m doing.
Real trust happens when we’re not in control.
That day on the phone, when my editor dropped the word hagiography into our conversation all casual like he was talking about the ham and cheese Subway sandwich he’d eaten for lunch, I was not in control. I had a decision to make right then and there. I could retreat into my comfortable status quo where nothing was threatening or foreign and I felt sufficiently smart. Or I could take a leap of faith into the uncomfortable unknown.
I leaped. And so far I have no regrets.
So what about you? When have you taken a leap of faith when you felt way out of your league?
I have taken on a ministry project from now to mid-March that has me over my head … I seem to change about every other day. One day excited … the next day panic.
Fondly,
Glenda
That’s exactly how I feel from day-to-day, Glenda – excitement, then panic. I am praying for you this morning, dear friend. I know God will do wonders through you in your work with the ministry project.
Homeschooling is that for me. And I have to make a decision to trust God everyday with it because the days are long and math is hard and there are tears someday (mostly from me!). So you learned a new word, so you don’t know every word in the book yet, so you are still a great writer and you are perfect for this assignment and now you know what hagiography means. I would count that as a good day 😉
Oh my word, homeschooling. I can’t even imagine. I have trouble with Rowan’s 20 minutes of math homework every night, never mind full-out homeschooling. You are doing GREAT work, Gaby, shaping your kids’ minds and preparing them for the future. You inspire me!
“Real trust happens when I take a leap of faith.” Needed to be reminded of this today as I also have said yes to a church project that I am not 100% sure what I am getting into. Faith is saying yes when we don’t fully understand what we are committing to. Praying for you.
You are so funny, Michelle. I was right there with you, and I would have been panicking right along with you. You know me well enough by now. 🙂
I’m mid-leap currently. Definitely mid-leap. So far, no hagio-whats-it-called. 🙂
Yup, we’re the panicking Bobsey Twins, you and me! 😉
Oh, I love this. I just wrote a blog post this week that I was passionate about, but that I thought might be controversial. What if I look stupid? What if someone gets angry? What if my message is great, but there’s some glaring grammatical error that I miss? Why am I pretending to be a writer — online, for all the world to see? Thanks for the encouragement to step out of the comfortable into areas where I really have to trust God.
I have felt that way so many times about particular blog posts, too, Dana. It’s great that you went forward with it – way to be brave and trust in Him to see you through.
Michelle, what a great blog post and a great story! I’ve actually had very similar experiences with authors, and I admire that you’re gutsy enough to let it all hang out. You’re a model to us all, Michelle. And I’m thrilled beyond thrilled that you did not give up because the entries you’ve sent it to date show a LOT of promise. We’re on our way to a great book!
Hi Chad, so glad you stopped by to read the post! When I mentioned that I wrote about the “hagiography incident” to my husband, he said, “I hope your editor doesn’t read it!” And I said, “I told him about it!!!!” I figure we might as well all be honest with ourselves (even though I wasn’t completely honest in our conversation — I probably should have been brave enough to say, “Hey wait, I don’t even know that that is!”), because more than likely, we’ve all been in a similar situation anyway.
I am SO grateful to be working on this project with you – I just completed woman #24 (Phillis Wheatley) this week…onto #25…Thank YOU for taking a leap in entrusting this project to an unpublished author!
The time is right, Michelle, and the Spirit is with you. Always. Keep after it, brave author.
Ok now that just made me cry.
Oh, quit it. You’re going to ME going! Thrilled, honored to be your editor.
Every time I’m asked to pray publicly, i get that feeling. “Dont they know who I REALLY am?”
It makes me pray more sincerely, less eloquently. Maybe that’s why they keep asking.
I’m sure it is, David! Not that you are a ‘new believer’, but I always enjoyed hearing the prayers of new believers at church. So simple. So straight-forward. Innocent. Trusting. Not all fancied up for the listeners, but straight from the heart.
I quite literally quake in my boots every time I have to pray aloud in a group. It really is an act of trust – you make yourself so vulnerable when you pray your heart in front of others. Really good point, David.
I’m the same way, David!
I tend to think of prayer as a pretty private thing…either just me and God, or just me, God, and one or two others. When I’m asked to pray publicly I feel very outside my comfort zone, and feel like I sort of stammer through the whole thing. Afterwards, I recall the eloquent prayers of others…realize mine was nothing close…then shrug to myself, “Guess they should have asked someone else if they wanted eloquent…”
I find it really, really hard to pray aloud in public…even grace with a group in a restaurant. It’s out of my comfort zone…but sometimes that’s exactly where God wants me to be.
So glad you stopped by, Joe!! Blessings for a joyful and peaceful Christmas to you, friend.
I saw that word and thought…PLEASE tell me she doesn’t know what that means!?!? Don’t ask me why that was my first thought! I can relate and I am so pleased that you didn’t quit…you really are NOT a quitter, Michelle…and you inspire me!!
Hugs~~ BIG ONES!
Thank you, Mary — BIG HUGS right back to you!
The whole publishing/marketing side if things is like a foreign language, I self published a book last March in Amazin, and the formatting of a,k that was a so hard!
I cannot even imagine formatting a book for publication – you are BRAVE!
My novel has just been released! Now, I have to take that leap to become a marketer, not just a writer who would so rather prefer to be typing words onto my computer screen all day long. Yes, it does take a leap of faith to leave our comfort zone. So relieved to know that God is with me . . .
Hang in there, Michelle! I know your book will be great!
Blessings!
Ug, the marketing…NOT my favorite part – but we have to learn to go with the flow in this business and take the leap, even when we don’t exactly feel qualified.
A HUGE congratulations on the release of your novel — what a great accomplishment!! Cheering for you, Martha!!
Thank you, Michelle!!!
Oh my gosh, Michelle, what is it about how you write that makes me want to say, “I love you1” with every post?? I was just feeling this way yesterday but you captured it so perfectly I thought you were in my head! You crack me up!
It is a pretty funny story…now that it’s over and I’ve recovered enough to laugh about it and learn from it!
Thanks for your sweetness, Lori…
I was thinking the whole time, what if her editor reads this and of course, you told him. Love your honesty, its one of your best assets. I can relate to this, been there done that. And when I was hired to write, before I wrote anything, I had lots of those moments, clammy hands, “I think my back is going out” moments.
My husband said the same thing. I think he was slightly horrified that I actually let my editor know about this story!
You’re speaking my language Michelle. Just this morning, I said, “How in the world will I ever write a book about X when I can’t even get Y right?”
The truth is, only God. Right?
Thank you for this. Perfectly timed.
Yes, yes, yes — ONLY God. So glad you stopped by here, Cheryl! Love to you…
This reminds me of when I got a really well-paying freelance assignment to interview someone, and was told to watch her TED talk as part of my preparation, and at that point I had never heard of TED talks. I did what you did — faked knowledge, looked it up, sallied forth.
Next leap: Public speaking.
Public speaking…big, fat UG. I totally dread it. That will entail a HUGE leap for me!
Sally forth!!!
I’d like to say parenting was a leap of faith, but I think it’s more accurate to say it’s been like being pushed into the deep end of the swimming pool. Either way, I’ve learned that I. Am. Not. In. Control.
And the thing is, I think if we’re not willing/able to leap, God may just push us into that deep end to teach us to trust. And to teach us that He is good. He loves me enough to push when I need it.
Oh yes, God pushes…and we think we are drowning big-time from time to time. I’ve found that especially true with parenting, as you point out. Always praying for you and O, Nancy.
LOVE this, Michelle. You handled it perfectly. Nod your head. Say, ‘Yes, you are so right.” Hang up in a hurry and scramble for the online dictionary! Then admit it later. Yeah, I like your style. A LOT. And actually that is a great word and what often happens at memorial services and it drives me crazy! The person who died was a human being, not a sainted hero or heroine. Tell us about all of that person, don’t make it hagiography! See, it’s a word you can actually use. :>)
Well I just love the way you dropped that big, ‘ol word right into the conversation here, Diana! 😉
Good point about eulogies…I hadn’t thought about that.
This spoke directly to my weary, worrisome soul. I’ve been on the verge of quitting and I’m not anywhere near book writing. Thank you for your honesty.
Oh Michele-Lyn, I SO know that weary-worry. Praying for you right now, my dear.
I don’t know what hagiography means. I mean, I didn’t. Now I know. I suppose the fact that you skilfully taught me a new word makes you a good writer, so it seems to me like you’re probably good for the job! Plus, I think talking about something like hagiography without actually using a big word is an enormous skill.
It’s good to learn a new word, isn’t it? Now the challenge is to drop it into everyday conversation…not sure I can manage that one!
Michelle, this post was so encouraging me just in life & my plan God has for me! Looking back over the year,seems like I have teetered off so far from intended plan. Hsave become overwhelmed! This really ministered to me. Thankyou!
“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” – Guillaume Apollinaire
You’ll always fly. Or God will catch you. xo
Self-sufficiency sometimes puts a barrier between us and trust in his enabling power. It is when we are outside of our comfort zone and feeling vulnerable that God can most easily reach out to us with his grace.
I’m a dreadful introvert. I’d be content to sit on the fringes of life and watch everyone else live it, but God has a sense of humour — he led me to love and marry a man who became a minister. And then he led me to run a business where I dealt with hundreds of people. I didn’t think I had the skills to cope with either situation, but I shouldn’t have been surprised that God knows me and the abilities he gave me, much better than I know them myself. He’s already proved that to you, too, hasn’t he?
I’m so glad you took the leap! Your story reminds me of a recent TEDx Lincoln talk I heard recently. 🙂
I’m a little sleepy. I meant to say a “certain” TEDx talk.
Hagiography. I wouldn’t have known that, either. Now you’re an expert!
oh friend, i get this. i so get this. and who uses that word anyway? well, apparently he does 🙂 but i didn’t know it either… i am proud of you for how smoothly you handled it. i would have stuttered something incoherent into the phone. you’re gonna do great. i can’t wait to read the book!
Hi Michelle,
I wouldn’t have known what that meant either. 🙂
Congrats on the project though. May it be an adventure and learning-experience that delights you.
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jennhiferdougan.com