So you know it’s bad when you have to write a disclaimer before the actual post, right? Truthfully, I almost didn’t post this one. I had my husband read it (which in four+ years of blogging, I have NEVER done), and he advised me not to post it. As usual I ignored him. Actually, though, what Brad said made sense. He told me he wasn’t sure if it was really something that would benefit the reader, or if it was just therapeutic writing for my own self. Good point. It was therapeutic writing. And I do think writers have to be careful of that – there is such a thing as saying too much. But I also think as much as I hesitate to tell this story, I also suspect I am not alone in this. And it’s my prayer that this message will speak to someone else – someone who might be feeling this way in the writing world or in their professional lives or in the preschool mom crowd or wherever. And if it’s a mistake? Well I’ve already lost subscribers in this series, so like I said yesterday, we might as well go out like a Roman candle.
I want to tell you a pretty story about Allume, because there is prettiness there — good things, very good things, rich experiences, community and fellowship and love. But that’s not my story. My story is ugly and embarrassing, but it’s the truth.
“These conferences are toxic for me,” I told my husband, sighing as we sat on the couch on Sunday night. He thought it was because I felt intimidated by all the well-known writers – the writers with the bigger platforms and more readers. The writers who sell more books than I ever will. He thought it was all related to the book.
“Well, that’s part of it,” I said to Brad.”But that’s not the whole story, that’s not the real story. It’s much worse than that.”
I told Brad the truth. The reason these conferences are so toxic for me is because they bring me face-to-face with my greatest temptation. And every time I come face-to-face with my greatest temptation, I succumb. I run straight into the arms of sin. Every. Single. Time.
I’ve stated it here before, and I’ll state it again: my greatest temptation and my greatest sin is the desire to be known by the important people – by the people I consider cool and relevant and popular. The in crowd.
It’s one thing to travel in the same social media circles as the in-crowd. But there is a distance offered by social media that cannot be avoided when you stand face-to-face in the same space, watching and listening and breathing in the same air.
The ugly, embarrassing truth is that I want to be known by the important people. I want to be invited in. And I put this need, this desire, ahead of God.
I know, I know, I know – all I really need is to be known and loved by God. All I really need is to be part of His inner circle. Nothing else matters. I know this. I hear you.
But friends, knowing this makes it all worse. Because I fail. I fail at this again and again. This is the absolute toughest part of being a Christian writer – because I know what I should believe, what I should think, how I should feel, the one and only One I should desire, and yet I still succumb to temptation. I still sin.
And I’m so, so tired of it.
I cried on the flight from the conference to Atlanta as the old man in the seat next to me snored. I turned my face toward the tiny window, looked out over the wing and wiped the tears with my fancy scarf. I cried as I walked off the jetbridge, and down the concourse and on the train that shuttled me to the next concourse and in the bathroom stall, with the door latched tight and my suitcase pressed against my knees and a wad of scratchy toilet paper in my hand.
I cried not only because my desire to be known felt so awful, but also because it felt so awful to keep succumbing to the same old sin.
I dried my eyes with the scratchy toilet paper, washed my hands and then walked down the concourse to terminal E, where I sat at the empty gate and talked to God in my head. What should I do, God? I implored. Should I quit? Should I leave Christian writing? Should I go back to my day job?
Because think about. If you are addicted to porn, you don’t willingly walk into a porn store, right? If you are addicted to alcohol, you don’t willing walk into a liquor store, right? So if I’m addicted to approval, to the desire to be known, should I put myself in the exact place where it is so easy for me to succumb to temptation?
I don’t know the answer. God isn’t saying right now.
But I do know this. When I finally pulled the mini-van to the curb in front of my house and walked across the lawn to where my three guys sat waiting for me on the front stoop, I felt something. As my boys wrapped their arms around me and my husband retrieved my suitcase from the car, and I walked into our the kitchen and saw my warm dinner set out on the kitchen counter and a freshly baked apple pie on the stove, I knew I was home, in my place, with the people who really, truly matter most.
And that, for the moment, was enough.
This isn’t the end of this battle for me. My husband looked me straight in the eye last night and said, “You will always, always struggle with this.” And he’s right. I will. This struggle is the thorn in my side. (Actually, I’m more like a prickly pear; I have many thorns. But that’s another blog post).
As Richard Rohr says, the pattern of redemption is “evil undone much more than evil ever perfectly avoided. It is disorder reconfigured in our hearts and minds much more than demanding any perfect order to our universe.” I believe this is true – the evil and disorder, the struggle, will always be there.
But I also believe that God is in this struggle, too– in this continual “undoing and reconfiguring.” He is here. He is in this with me, undoing, reconfiguring, re-transforming, again and again. He loves. He redeems. And God, dear friends, will always, always be enough.
I haven’t been a subscriber very long, but I enjoy your writing. I wish I remembered which post caused me to subscribe. Keep writing!
I am struggling to hear God on an issue. You see, I have a desire to write and grow my blog. Having a baby and a huge promotion at work had put a damper on my free time. I love love love this new guy in my life, but shouldn’t mommy have a hobby to help counteract the stress and constant of life?
Have you read Emily Freeman’s new book “A Million Little Ways,” Tami? If not, please do read it. She writes with such eloquence and grace about the fact that God created all of us as artists in some way, and that yes, art is important, crucial even, for every one of us, at each and every stage of our life.
No, I haven’t read the book, but its on my wish list now.
i hear you, michelle. i was INTENSELY jealous to see everyone’s pictures and read the posts. and i was jealous because i crave that belonging, that notoriety, that approval too….i hope, for my sake, that you keep writing. my guess is that many writers, musicians and speakers struggle with the same demons. i guess that every gift from god is accompanied by a demon to distract the person from his.her calling. hang in there sister.
I suspect you are right, Kendal – I hadn’t thought about it that way, a demon to distract us from God’s gifts. That’s indeed what it feels like to me.
Thanks for your encouragement, sweet friend.
I don’t want to help you make excuses for sin but I read this I think of the disciples running right on the Jesus’ tail—actually I think they distanced themselves on the road when they started wanted to sit in the places of honor. Michelle, he didn’t send them into the house, he sent them into the world. That’s thing about being loved by Jesus–you learn through these things and the disciples (the learners) came to know more of the One who taught them. Brad was caring for your heart because who knows what could break it “hear” in the comment box? I am thankful that you have that kind of husband. The truth is you can take whatever because deep down you know Whose you are and that matters the very most and you, my friend know it. I have some confessions myself but this “ain’t” the place, but I thank you for taking the risk. Because really why not?
Really good point about the disciples’ desire for a place of honor, Dea (I’d forgotten about that!), and, more importantly, Jesus’ reaction to their sin. That’s an important distinction to make – that he sent them out into the world, in spite of their sins — and something I will be thinking about for a good long while. Thank you, Dea.
I quit blogging almost two years ago because of this very tension. My motives became blurred, and I started to feel gross and anxious about why I was writing, who I was writing for and what was coming out. So I quit. I hid. And I’m still hiding. I was going to simply reply to Michelle with this, because I could relate to what she was writing. That same desire is in me – to be known, to be accepted, to be approved – and it bites at everything I do.
Then I read your comment Dea, and it made me rethink my strategy. Jesus still wants to send us out. I think the sending out, and the interactions we have there, are actually what ends up keeping us humble and sends us rushing back to Him. Thank you for sharing your struggle, Michelle, and thank you for sharing your wisdom, Dea. You’ve both given me something to chew on today.
I am relatively new to subscribing – can’t remember how I stumbled upon you either – but I quickly came to love your way of thinking, your way of writing, which resonates greatly within me. I loved this whole series and perhaps those who unsubscribed had the feeling you were hitting a bit too close to home. In any case, I appreciate you and will continue to read your words.
Regarding this post specifically, I can totally relate. My father was an incredibly gifted and charismatic man that all respected and idolized. He was an adventurer, a brilliant creative force and all who surrounded him were very distinctly individual and interesting. My father should never have married and had kids as we were all just along for the ride, getting in the way of his many (ad)ventures. He loved us, but we were never a top priority it seemed. We all were shown that only the most distinctive, unique and creative people were of value.
When I became the caregiver (by choice) of the family and put that ahead of my creativity that I felt God gifted me with I always felt the struggle that I was of lesser value. I was wallpaper. Dad was disappointed. Now I’m 53, overweight, and looking my age which masks the passion and creativity within me. I pray in my third act I can do what God wants me to do and that the outside can show the inside. It’s a holy struggle, but it’s a struggle just the same. Thank you for putting it into words.
Oh, Laura, my heart breaks for you in this. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Please do know — and I truly, truly believe this — that God values the creativity and uniqueness of every single one of us. With all due respect, I believe your father was wrong. No one person is more distinctive, more unique or more creative than another – God made us all equally wonderous. And dare I say that perhaps your dad put such a value on those he deemed the most creative and distinctive because his temptation, much like mine, was to be one of them, to be like what he saw?
I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t be commenting on your family dynamics! But the point is, it’s not too late. You are already heading in the right direction in knowing that God gifted you with a perfect and unique creativity and passion – a gift that NO ONE else but you has. So the next step? It’s time to embrace those gifts – to show on the outside what you KNOW on the inside.
Laura, please read (if you haven’t already) Emily Freeman’s new book “A Million Little Ways.” You will find that it speaks exactly to this issue, and I believe you will come away from that book with a new boldness and a new courage to step out with the gifts God gave you.
Here is the link on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Million-Little-Ways-Uncover-Were/dp/0800722442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383151233&sr=8-1&keywords=a+million+little+ways
Peace, friend. And thank you.
Thanks for the recommendations of books. They are on my wish list! 🙂
!!!! to all Michelle said. I think many person’s third act is their absolute best, and I can’t wait to see the curtain open on yours, Laura! Another great book that helps you see all the gifted, brilliant, creative uniqueness that God put in you is Holley Gerth’s “You’re Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to Be” http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Already-Amazing-Embracing-Becoming/dp/0800720601/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383174496&sr=8-1&keywords=you%27re+already+amazing
I’m a prickly pear, too. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to struggle with this. That you’ve asked God and are waiting on an answer says much about your spiritual life right now. Keep it up. Love reading here. October has been crazy and I’m trying to catch up on my favorite blogs. Know you’re one of my faves. 😉 (And I’m not saying that to assuage your need for approval. I mean it.)
(((Renee))), thank you.
Michelle, I truly find your honesty refreshing maybe it’s because I can read this and know I’m not alone. I want to leave you some great long comment to say how grateful I am for your words but honestly I’m never good with those…so I’m going to simply say, Thank you! You are a blessings.
The perfect comment, Beth. Thank you!
I’m glad you hit “publish,” Michelle.
Yes. Me too. But I will say it gets a bit easier when you hit your sixties. Things begin to fall more easily into place.
To you Linda, and Diane who posted a comment further down about age -I was going to say this as well. Yes I am in my sixties too. I think it takes some years of living to know and believe the truth that God reminded Paul of, “My grace is sufficient for you.” He didn’t remove the thorn in the flesh that Paul asked him to. Max Lucado uses a quote from Martha Snell Nicholson in his book,” Grace”-“[God] never gives a thorn without this added grace, He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face”. So you just keep going out in the world, so to speak (as the fame aspiring apostles referenced above :)) and keep helping other see His face. And hands. And feet. Michelle, you are doing this by sitting down to write and then hitting ‘ publish’. Keep up the good work and may God bless you with his sustaining grace. Read Romans 8:32 with fresh eyes and that promise of grace to sustain you. I will confess here that I felt jealous reading your post that preceded this one. You are losing subscribers???!!! Ha, I am not sure that button even works on my blog. In fact, I feel so insecure about all this I didn’t even want anyone to know I was doing 31 Days! I am just counting on God taking my little and making it a lot and enjoying the “therapeutic” benefit of writing.
Oh Linda–I’m taking what you said to. the. bank.!!! I’m not to 60 yet, but it’s looming in the distance. I lament to myself sometimes that its taken me this long to begin to fight for my individuality; to be comfortable in my own skin. My Aunt once told me that she didn’t know ANYTHING ’till she turned 60! I’m can see the truth in that. There is much value in the road already travelled.
I’m proud of you. You’re not the only one, that’s for sure. Of course, I hate the idea of you crying, alone on the plane and in the airport and in that bathroom stall. I wish I could have been there for you, and, at the same time, I realize you probably needed those moments with just you and God.
For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about this whole “superstar in the Christian subculture” thing and so much about it makes me squirm. It’s sort of magnified in places like Allume, and you make such a great point about the difference between our social media circles and our real-life interactions. I hear what you’re saying about finding yourself bumping up against the same wall, over and over again. It’s frustrating. I believe I and all the rest of us in the world of Christian writing and social media and speaking and the rest of it could benefit from taking a good, long look at ourselves and at all the ways we rank one another. I’m guilty of putting people on a pedestal, and I’m guessing that was never God’s plan.
well said Deidra.
Amen, Deidra and Shelly!
Seconding Shelly’s ‘well said, Deidra.’
Thirding it~!
Oh, Michelle! Thank you for writing this and SHARING this! I needed to hear this today and everyday…that I am not alone is this struggle.
Amen, and why in the world would you not post this? I think you will find more people feel the way you do than you think. We all want to be noticed, to be known, recognized by who we feel are the “right” people. But really there are no right people, just people……and you answered your own question when you drove up to your own doorstep. That was, and is ultimately where you are home, where your real fulfillment lies. God first, family second, everything else next. Write on sister!
Oh, this.
My sin exposed in your words.
And how I’ve even afraid of it all pouring out along the banks of the Frio.
Praying that I will give and receive what He desires while I meet the greatest and the least.
For aren’t we all the least of these?
Yes, He Is enough. Must Be enough. Sadly often we lose that. Not just you, likely all of us.
I’m glad you pushed publish on this one, too. Michelle, because I think the Rohr quote is absolutely perfect. And, one of the things we kept hearing over and over at Allume was, your story matters because you’re not the onour ly one.
Your walking through this, and being willing to expose yourself as a work-still-in-progress by the grace of God–well, I think that matters a whole awful lot.
I think we all have weak spots, the place in our make up that is a weakness and needs the blood of Jesus like nothing else we grapple with. You have obviously become aware that this is yours, which is good actually, the awareness I mean. But I think where we get into trouble is when we allow it consume us. And I think your vulnerability in sharing it is like shame resilience, the minute you say it out loud, it no longer has control over you. So I’m proud of you for being brave and I have a hunch it will be more than therapeutic writing for several. I’m with Deidra, the thought of you crying alone makes me sad because I love you so much, but God uses pain and adversity to bring us into greater intimacy with Himself. This I know.
Oh my. I read this and I don’t think there is a woman on the North American continent who does not struggle to some degree with the worship of man. It is our land’s popular idol! At the check-out at the grocery store are magazines purchased void of any valuable content-WHY? Because we idolize people. So knowing that, as believers I will echo Shelly: We don’t allow it to consume us.
I’ve been talking for over a year with ladies in my Sunday Bible Study about “fear of man” prevalent in whatever form and our journey to live free from it’s debilitating clutches. I think where we struggle as Christian women is with our feelings. A thought comes and a feeling follows. And then we may feel guilty (another negative, right?) But if we realize the feeling is only a result of the temptation and we have victory in the power of the blood, in the grace of Jesus, that we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us, then we resist the enemy and He flees and we are free to love those on the platform as we love the janitor who cleaned our toilet. {I am SO thankful for her!!!}
The way to tell if we are caving to the temptation is how we act. Do we turn our feeling over and upward or do we cower around the people {which I’d venture to guess you did not}. I personally do some exercises before I go to prevent defeat in my heart: I pray on the way. I remind myself I am a minister of the gospel and what God gives me at the conference is for giving away. I remind myself of the truths of our identity in Christ: Called, Chosen, Beloved, and I pray for those whom I may be tempted toward idolizing. I remember that it is God who is creating through them and then cheer for Him. Thanking for His life and work in my own heart.
I so adore your honesty, but want to encourage you that feelings of jealousy can be used as the catalyst to go to the secret place of our soul where the Holy Spirit is and seek truth to walk free… Feeling defeated is where the enemy wants us. Kick him in the backside! 🙂
Love your words here!
Kathy—I would be most interested to know if you had a study guide of some kind as you wrestled with your group over “The Fear Of Man”??? A very close friend and I seem to be on a journey together right now, battling this very issue—and it’s HUGE!!! We both need all the help we can get!
Hi Jillie,
It is a topic that comes up in all of our studies. Currently more often as we walk through a very excellent book by Elise Fitzpatrick called: Idols of the Heart/ Learning to long for God alone.
Actually, I see this being the ‘topic of the day’ because it is so deeply rooted in us in our culture and God is about the business of uprooting it so we are free to serve Him. (It actually was the dovetailed message of Allume: Live Free and Shine Bright)
Every fresh message I’ve heard this fall from those whom God has given authority to speak (Beth Moore, Susie Larson, Ann Voskamp, etc) are circling around this very topic. And to use “old” terms (because I have been a Christian for 24 years since I was 24) It is learning to “walk in the Spirit” and put to death the flesh.
Beth’s message in September was addressing whether we are living under grace or under law. We have no problem receiving salvation by grace, but then we end up trying to live our lives in our own strength and in so doing, live in defeat. Susie’s message is about living as an orphan (as if we don’t have everything we need in Christ) instead of an heir (in the fullness of who we are in Christ with access to every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies=freedom from discouragement and rich, abundant life)
Thank you for asking this, I am researching this struggle among women and God’s seeking God’s answer. I’d love to hear more of yours if you want to visit my blog, we could email. 🙂
There’s such wisdom in this, Shelly. When we confess our sin, our struggles, our mistakes, they lose power over us. And this kind of catharsis also helps others!
So glad you went out like a “Roman candle”. We all struggle with something and I would swagger, being known or accepted would be tops for most folks. However, this doesn’t make it any less difficult. My flesh wants to boss me around. It’s an ancient struggle, for sure. All the more reason why I need the power of a Holy Spirit….because, sin and me, go back a ways. 🙂
Great post, Michelle. I have too many thoughts on this to even start addressing them here in the comments, but know you’re not alone.
Beautiful friend – I’m SO GRATEFUL you published this one. (I think many, many people will be affected by this post in the best way possible.) I agree with what everyone else said, but especially Deidra’s comment. I feel the same way. I think your husband is right – this will most likely be your struggle, (I feel it is one of my struggles too) but I really and truly don’t believe God would call you away from your calling – you are touching more lives than you possibly know! You were one of the writers that helped me believe I maybe wasn’t a truly crazy person to think I could do this, even though its so far from my own artistic comfort zone. YOUR words, and YOUR encouragement through emails were huge for me, Michelle. I am so grateful to now know you in real life, though we’re not close enough to see one another regularly. Your honesty and truth in this post is what I believe people will gravitate to – and your story is helping ALL of us! Love and Blessings to you Michelle!
I’m glad you didn’t take Brad’s advice on this one. Everyone struggles with something, you are definitely not alone. Your honesty really is wonderful. Love you Michelle!
Michelle,
Thank you for your honesty and your brave heart for sharing what many feel but will or cannot put voice to. We all want approval and belonging, especially when it means in the eyes of the world that we are a success. Keep writing and keep putting a voice to your struggles. You witness by encouraging those who read your work to be honest with themselves and identify the issues that are hidden within. This is your ministry.
Michelle. This is just stellar. I mean it, truly, wholly. Thank you for showing us this vulnerability – and you’ve done this unpeeling carefully, over time and that is so very wise (I wrote about truth-telling a little bit today). You are SO not alone in this, honey. It’s the bane of all our existence – this addiction to being noticed, to being around the ‘big guys,’ to trying to impress. But see – you’re talking about it! And Shelly is right – talking about it releases its hold, ever so slightly, but ever so truly. And Linda is right , too, it does get a little bit easier as you age. (Gotta be somethin’ good about aging, right??). I am so sorry for your tears. . . but then again, I’m not sorry for them. Because it is in the tears, through the tears, that you become real. You face yourself, and you don’t always like what you see. Welcome to the human race, honey. The REDEEMED human race, because there will always be pieces of ourselves we don’t like. But see? Here’s the deal. God sees those pieces, too. And Jesus died for those pieces. And rose again to walk with us when we’re forced to look in that mirror. I am so grateful that you have such a strong centering place in Brad – and he speaks the truth in love to you so very well. Listen to him on this one. Yes, you will always wrestle with this. But the wrestling is important. You will leave each bout with a limp, but you will be blessed. Blessed. And? You will continue to be the blessing that you are, my dear Michelle. Your honesty is like fresh air out here. And your willingness to hit publish is a sign of the Holy Spirit at work in you, using your point of deepest sadness to speak love to us. Thank you.
I sooo get this. As a fellow Christian writer, every one of your sentences could be mine. You are not alone. And if you figure out some answers, please share! This is one of the great tensions we hold in this career. We have to be known and have readers, but we can’t have our main goal and desires be the need for attention. Numbers. Ack. It’s exhausting. As long as we keep surrounding ourselves with the Truth of who we are and what our calling is, and people who point us back to that when we falter, I think we stay on the right path.
those tears?
wish I could have been sitting beside you on the plane instead of that snoring man…
that I could have reached over and hugged you long and tight and we could have just poured our hearts out to Jesus together.
I love you so much — and He loves you infinitely more. Bask and rest in that, Him cupping you always.
I certainly would have preferred you next to me on that plane instead of the snoring man, Ann! But you know what? I’m not sure I would have been honest about this, you know? I think it was probably good to have the pathetic cry and feel all sorry for myself, and then get to it and start conversing with God about it all, you know? He does turn all things toward good, and after writing this post from the afraid heart, and seeing all this community here today, well clearly God has used this to help not only me, but maybe others, too. The struggle will still be there, but there is so much hope.
Thank you for stopping by and encouraging with love and grace, Ann.
This is honest and raw and beautiful. I wish we had connected at Allume – but I am excited to keep reading here! God sometimes shows us the ugly truth but with the promise that He redeems that for good! Keep writing friend!
I wish we had connected, too, Kristin – I will stop by your place and say hello soon!
This is exactly what I experienced last year and at every conference. My heart is to focus on Christ. But, when I go ‘there’ I lead into what is at the pit of my heart – what ‘they’ have. But, in the end, I don’t want to pay the price that seems so high for me. It may not be for them. For now, my family has to come first. For others, their families are in a different situation and they are able to do what I desire. But, my true desire to focus on God – keeps me asking – do I quit? So, I quit blogging but not writing. I write to encourage and share.
This conference – I was not there this year. But, I stood in the lobby (i live close by) and said hello to a few friends. I flirted with being ‘in’ and being part, but need to be distant for now for God to grow me – to change me and to really make serious changes in my heart.
Praying for you and truly appreciate this post.
That’s exactly what I am wondering, Rebecca – if I, too, need to be distant now, so that I can hear God more clearly and so that I can let him grow me as he wants to. I don’t know. It just seems like putting myself right into the center of that which tempts me is not working out very well! You are wise and brave to have stepped away, knowing that’s what God is asking you to do, and knowing that is the most important thing right now.
Thank you for your prayers. I am in the wilderness in this and gladly receive your prayers and encouragement.
PLEASE FORGIVE LENGTH!!!!
Oh, Michelle . . . to be known. It’s our heart’s cry, isn’t it? . . . to express it in Ann’s conference vernacular: to be known as a star. And then she put it into perspective, citing all the gazillions of stars shining in the universe. The stars we think are Stars (with a capital S) really aren’t stars at all. They’re just one amongst many; we’re ALL meant to shine not for us, but for Jesus. I’m sooo glad that you had the courage to write this post. It’s good that you got this out into the open for your own sake and for ours. I do not mean to diminish the work that God is doing in your heart. It’s real, and you’ve confessed it. It is also so TRUE that He has forgiven you (and if your need to be noticed by the in-stars comes up again, He will forgive you again. Please never doubt that.) He doesn’t tire of our coming to Him in our brokenness. But the thing is, I also saw you relating to so many people in love and kindness and humility. Who the heck I am I after all (blogless amongst the bloggers), and you have been so gracious and loving to me. You sat down right next to me, the unknown. So you didn’t do that to earn brownie-point stars, but to point me to THE star, the One who shines most brightly of all. You listened and encouraged and prayed because I’d missed an important appointment. You didn’t do it to be noticed or to earn points, but because you are a loving, caring person. I don’t know if I’m saying it well, but though you struggle by your own admission with the need to be noticed among the known, I see you reaching out far past them to the unknown (people like me or those who read your blog). And may I say just one more thing? The known don’t always feel like Stars. The known can be needy. The known need Jesus like we all do. Through the course of my life and career, God has crossed my path with some famous people–whether media, prominent business people, community leaders, wealthy patrons, four-star generals, my neighbor who was the exwife of an internationally-known singer superstar, and Chuck Hagel was even my boss once when he was president of the USO–to drop an actual name). My knowing these prominent people has ranged from personal acquaintance because of my work to being actual friends. I didn’t ask to know these people, and frankly, I was utterly intimidated by them. I didn’t want to know them. But God corrected my thinking. Here is what I am trying (oh so circuitously) to say, Michelle. Despite how well-known and “noticed” they were to the world or to my city and community, I learned that the “known,” the “Stars,” had deep-seated longing and insecurities and difficulties–just like me, just like you, just like everybody. Often, people were either afraid to approach them (as I was, because I felt insecure), or they approached them only because they hoped to gain something from them, by association with them. Often the Stars were lonely. Often they needed compassion and understanding and trust. They needed friendship. And many needed Christ. I was able to share the Gospel with one of the wealthiest and most powerful Jewish women in our city before she died. You are talking about the Christian well-knowns, but still, they have needs that are just as raw and real. So maybe what is needed is a perspective shift. Don’t shy away from the in-crowd; lean into them, not to be noticed, but to know them. . . to know their needs, to know how you can help them, to offer the love, compassion, understanding and support that you have offered so many, including me. I love you, Michelle. Thank you from my heart for who you are and what you’ve given.
Love
Lynn
Lynn, first of all, you need to start blogging, girl! This is a blog post, friend – and a good one!
Seriously, though, thank you. You have said so many important things here — particularly your points about the “stars” being lonely, feeling used or abused, having needs and feeling as raw and real as everyone else. So true, so, so true. I love what you say: “Lean into the in-crowd, not be noticed, but to know them, to know their needs…” This is exactly what Nasreen spoke about in her session with Deidra about dreams – did you attend that one? It was powerful, and her statement about serving really resonated with me – and it’s exactly what you are saying here, Lynn.
Thank you, Lynn – for your kind words, but also, for your keen wisdom. You are such a good, good mentor.
Thank YOU, Michelle. I am always so touched by your gracious response to my comments, and not thinking I’m preaching at you. God forbid!
I love you,
Lynn
Lynn, that was a beautiful comment and a shift in perspective, indeed! Also: get your blog started. Today. I want to hear more from you!
I thought you were Jennifer Dukes Lee, but you’re not! 🙂 What a lovely thing to say. Thank you so very much. So you are an artist! Wow. I’m going to hop on over again to your site after dinner (if I can tear myself away from our World-Series Cardinals- make-it-or-break-it game—even when I know our dear Michelle DeRusha has the nerve to be rooting for the Red Sox! 🙂 ), and check out more of your work. And if I can’t now, I will later, ok? Thank you for this generous affirmation. I’m so grateful!
Fondly,
Lynn
Lynn, look! More Jennifers wanting you to start a blog. 🙂
Oh Jennifer (Dukes Lee!) you are so cute and funny! You never give up., do you?! I love you!
L.
“Don’t shy away from the in-crowd; lean into them, not to be noticed, but to know them. . . to know their needs, to know how you can help them, to offer the love, compassion, understanding and support that you have offered so many.” What a beautiful perspective! Years ago I met a lonely, slightly depressed older gentleman in a coffee shop. While I don’t often have long discussions with men in coffee shops, the Lord led me to listen and share. I told him about Jesus and His love with a boldness that I didn’t usually have. After about 30 mins of talking, he told me his name. A major motion picture had released the previous year about his life story (out of respect I won’t say who, but you’d know him. It was such a lesson to me of what you’ve said hear about “stars” and the common human experience we ALL share. Thank you for the reminder, Lynn.
Amen, Kim…….that’s exactly it–the common human experience. We are all in this together. There are NO divisions. I’m so glad that you reached out and listened, and moreover, that you shared Jesus with Him. Who knows that God may have used you at this pivotal moment to draw him to Himself? This kind of thinking reminds me, too, of what Deidra is saying in many of her posts……that there are no divisions in the Body of Christ. And really, there are none in the common human experience eithr. Thanks for talking to me, Kim.
Blessings,
Lynn
Hi Lynn…thank you so much for your wisdom and for validating was deeply resonates with my heart: ” Don’t shy away from the in-crowd; lean into them, not to be noticed, but to know them. . . to know their needs, to know how you can help them, to offer the love, compassion, understanding and support…” Yes! this. It can’t be easy being in their position, and may the love and friendship I extend be received as intended. Just, thank you.
Lynn, This is such a beautiful and true perspective. {tears springing to my eyes here} I had a well-known author once say to me, “The wider my message gets, the lonelier I feel.” We’re all just human and we need each other.
And I agree with the others! Start that blog, girl!
Holley, what a lovely encouragement. Thank you so much! I liked you from the moment I met you at ICRS in St. Louis (you were working a Dayspring booth :-). You do that……your entire ministry revolves around helping us know we need each other! I have your DREAM square on my dresser, and I thank you for reminding me to dream…….a blog, huh?
Love you,
Lynn
I agree with the others who have posted before – – this is a struggle that is so very common to all writers/bloggers/speakers, etc. I have battled it, for sure. Right now, I’m honestly in such a difficult place that I’m hardly writing at all (praying and being still). However, when I was “going after it”…I always heard the Lord whisper to me, “Do it for ‘the one’, never for the multitudes.” I have come back to that time and time and time again. Whether I write or speak, the Lord always graciously gives me at least one person who says, “That was exactly what I needed to hear.” I know that is His gift to me…to show me, hopefully not the only one, but at least one that needed to hear what He had placed on my heart. So, simply put, do it for “the one”, not the multitudes, and you’ll please the One that matters most!
It’s interesting that you mention that Becky, because at the airport, in the midst of my crying, sniffling, pathetic mess, I got an email on my phone from a reader I didn’t know who simply said that what I write feeds her soul. She had no idea what I was wrestling with at the time, but it was clearly a message sent from God, an important reminder that there was someone who had needed to hear what I had written.
Thank you so much for your comment here. I pray that your still, quiet time with God will be fruitful in ways you never even expected.
Oh my gosh, word for word — everything you said exactly was my experience, too. All of it. Even the shameful hangover that lingered Sunday night into Monday night and bled into Tuesday morning. I just so get it. And I hate it so much. But I’m so grateful that I’m aware of my need for Christ in those moments…aware of my desire to not want to remain the same. It gives me hope that I might grow.
Oh my word, “shame hangover,” that’s exactly what it is, Monica. My husband even wondered on Monday after he got home from work why I was still so down, so bothered by it. I just couldn’t shake the shame. Talking about it with him and two other very close friends helped a lot. And praying and writing about it, of course!
Wow, Michelle — this was my “big thing” on the Jennie Allen night, and it’s something I “pray down” EVERY SINGLE DAY. This personal ugliness of desiring the praises of man and chasing after them like a desperate beggar. It’s sick, isn’t it? It’s like a spiritual schizophrenia. On one hand we want to please God and walk in our callings, but on the other hand we battle the desire to be known by man… UGH wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death?
Such a powerful post. I’m really glad you went live with it.
This was the “secret” I confessed to the lovely stranger sitting next to me during Jennie Allen’s talk, too, Susan.
As Paul said, “What I want to do, I don’t do…and what I don’t want to do, I do.” Or something like that (good thing you are the Bible study writer and not me!).
And here is my ugly truth, I came home and cried the same tears in the bathroom. I even called Emily to pray with me. I really believe you want to be around leaders because that is who you have been created to be – a leader. You are created to be important, and I believe the day is coming when there will be another woman, who wants to set beside you because you are an important leader. Then you will know her sorrow and her heart. You will pull a chair close and ask her about herself…because you get her.
You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and I love knowing and hearing you. I love your writing, and I love it most when I can sit beside you and talk until late at night! Love you Girl!
Michelle, While I didn’t know a thing about you when I was first introduced to you–except that you were Deidra’s person :)…But then, I looked you up on Facebook and the web. I wasn’t feeling well that weekend so I didn’t have much time to explore you or your writing, but I did see you authored a book. So, the next day, when we sat next to each other–I had to work hard to shut down the gremlins shouting in my brain. “I’m sure she wants to be sitting next to someone else.” “Who are you to think you should be sitting at this table?” “Don’t say something stupid.” And on and on and on…However, I quickly discovered my fears were unfounded and the gremlins could take a hike, as you treated me with such kindness and care. So, today…I want to ditto what Diane said back in October–“there will be another woman, who wants to set beside you because you are an important leader.” I was blessed by my seat next to you. Thank you for your kindness and love–God gave me a gift that weekend–what a blessing to watch His love in action.
So glad you hit publish with this post Michelle! I can relate, even from a different angle…as someone who didn’t attend Allume, I worry about getting left behind…like everyone will become better friends and known in bigger circles…without me. Silly, I know. But still real. I spent a lot of time this past weekend remembering that God has me where I am for His reasons, and He’ll move me if and when He’s ready. And, I’m becoming good with that.
Yup, I get that feeling, too, Laura. When I heard a bunch of people were going to the If Gathering and it sold out much too quickly for me to purchase a ticket, I started to worry that I would be left behind and forgotten if my face wasn’t right there in the mix. Now I’m thinking maybe God was looking out for me, knowing I clearly can only had one conference per year! 😉
Michelle,
Brene Brown would be proud of your post. And I’m proud to know you. You are an amazing person.
Thank you, Jess. So glad you are my real-life friend.
beautiful words…true words…brave words…shared experience…may I suggest you get the book Embracing Obscurity, it is epic. And may you be blessed to know you are not alone in your experience and your struggles. You are braver than me…I didn’t hit “post” … Thank you for your obedience that is speaking to the hearts of many – may God use your vulnerability for His purposes. Big Hug!
I’m going to look up that book right now, Tracey – thank you for the suggestion and for your kind, kind words.
I’m really glad you wrote AND posted this. Seriously. we need to talk about this tension because “getting noticed” and making progress in a writing career can be equated with blessings from God, and that is where things get really, really messy.
This may not relate exactly, but when one of my book projects was cancelled and I felt sick about it for three days, I realized that I’d just gone through one of the worst things a writer can experience, but I also had really bad days and temptations at my other job. Every profession has really bad days and temptations. If it’s not one thing, it will be another. So that doesn’t minimize the temptation that one may struggle with as a writer, but any other career brings its own pitfalls and temptations. That at least gives me some peace about my work as a writer.
Very good point, Ed, about every job presenting temptations and challenges. I think what makes it doubly challenging as a “Christian writer,” is that selling books depends at least in part on “being known,” yet being known is so not what God desires for us. Or maybe he doesn’t have a problem with the being known part, unless (as in my case), we put that desire ahead of him. Man, what a quandary!
Thanks for stopping by here today — I appreciate your insights.
The image of you in tears, just breaks me all over again. I wish I could have been there.
Putting my hand in yours, right now, just like at the Great Clips. 🙂
Love you, Michelle DeRusha.
I’m holding on tight! xxoo
And Michelle, here’s the funny thing, you’re a star to me :). Yup. When I see how many likes you have on FB, I wonder when I’ll ever have that many. But, as you pointed out in recent posts, this is more about me wanting to be “in” and “count” — Amy :). I’ll forever be grateful that you let me use the picture of your feet when I publicly announced my resignation from a life I thought I’d never leave. You shine in the best, life affirming ways!
Michelle,
I’ve always been a fan, but by far I am most impressed with your being in fellowship where it is okay to succumb to the ugly cry. Not where tear falls softly, but the ragged wretched sobbing that leaves you gasping, achy-headed, and exhausted, needing sleep. When you are that open, and embraced, that is when you know you have found your people. That is when you know have found home. What a rich blessing your honesty is…may God grant me such bravery some day.
Peace and good to you, with prayers that you never stop being so honest
Wow, you surely nailed a good description of an ugly cry. Well done, Chelle.
That IS a good description of the ugly cry!
As for bravery, well, I don’t know about that. I looked at this post in my draft folder about every hour or so yesterday, then I’d close it up again without scheduling it. Then I had my husband read it. Then I discussed it with my friend Deidra. I finally decided I was being silly making such a big deal over a ridiculous blog post, so I scheduled it and went to bed. But when I woke up this morning, I had the pit!
So thank you, Chelle, but really, I’m not sure it’s bravery as much as stepping into the fear (or maybe that’s the definition of bravery, I don’t know!).
I agree with Becky, and, not to sound harsh (and I’m a big fan of yours), but I hope you will learn to be content in the place you’re in now. I see no reason why this should be a continual thorn in your flesh, and I pray you will overcome the desire to be “known.” Maybe it will help to recall the Scripture in 1 Peter 5:6 that says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” God’s timing is perfect. There are other verses that speak of the first being last and the last being first, and how the greatest among us will be the servants and children. I particularly like the Scripture that says a man’s/woman’s gift will make room for him/her.
I am praying for you. Remember why it is that you write.
Mmmm, yes DeeDee, “in due time.” That is the key, isn’t it. I remember reading those verses just recently this summer – thank you for the reminder (and thank you also for the prayers).
I think back to the grace you gave me with your time this past spring with a phone call to a wonderer wandering around- You will never know what encouragement you gave me to keep writing – connecting women and making the effort to engage. Well, in fact, this story is part of my current thesis work…. sometimes we do not know where our voice gets carried. We must simply speak and let the Holy Spirt freely reign. I thank you for your voice.
I’m so glad for that conversation, Connie – it brought me so much joy, too, friend.
Tell Brad he was wrong. It benefitted more than just you. Love you (and him).
You worry too much, my friend! 😉
God’s grace is sufficient…He will complete the good work He has begun in you…and He knows how to complete it. Trust Him!
This is the second time today that I’ve been led to 2 Corinthians 12:9, so I will share it with you, here (even though others have in prior comments). Here is what Jesus told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
Don’t lose sight of that. His power is most fully realized in your weakness. Your greatest weakness, surrendered to Him, becomes strength. That doesn’t mean the issue goes away or ceases to be a battle…it means He uses it for your benefit and His glory!
Blessings to you, Michelle!
That’s exactly what my dear friend and neighbor said, Joe – I worry too much; I have too much guilt! That’s always been true…
And yes, I needed to hear that, that His power is perfected in my weakness. Yes. And I think God may be doing exactly that in one small way with this post and with this outpouring from the community — using my weakness and my fear and transforming it into something (all things good) for his glory. Amen.
Michelle, I am 1 of the people who subscribed to your blog during this series, so that balances out one of those who left. I have enjoyed reading your posts. I too have ached to be part of the “in crowd”, to know “famous” or “popular” people. I want to be accepted, but I have come to want a deep relationship with God more. I knew someone who was popular, and he did it by being a liar. He said whatever people wanted to hear. People loved it! If you lied in order to be popular, that is sin. If you want to be popular and feel hurt when you aren’t, that is a normal emotion. Rejection always hurts. That is not a sin. I think Michelle, that you are normal. What is good about you, is you realize that the need to be popular is hollow, and that the real love is in your family, and with God. They will soothe your hurt. It sounds like your husband knows the true you, and loves you very much. That is a true blessing from God.
I totally hear what you are saying, Janet, and I appreciate the distinction you are making. I think perhaps it’s not so much the envy and the desire to be part of a certain group, but the fact that sometimes that desire takes the place of God – it becomes my idol, so that all I’m thinking about is why I’m not “in,” or why so-and-so doesn’t know me, etc. When I get obsessive about it (which is what happened at this conference), I know that desire has taken control and usurped God from his rightful place.
I am so grateful for Brad and the kids. Seeing them waiting for me outside the door Sunday night, spending time relaxing and chatting with them put everything back into perspective. But then I wrote a draft of this post and got myself all riled up again! 😉
Thank you for sharing this. Your husband was wrong (they often are). I needed to read this, too. Blessings!
Janet, wow! So great to see you here! What a lovely surprise. I hope all is well with you. Funny. I literally thought about you about three days ago when I was taking a prayerpowerwalk!!!!! 🙂 You are such a wonderul lady!
Love
Lynn
So perfectly and beautifully said, Michelle, and I’m so glad you hit publish. I don’t know many people who DON’T struggle with this… you are not alone in this journey.
“God is in this struggle too.” YES, He is! And unlike the struggle against porn or alcohol, your struggle against approval is FOR Him and all those He encourages through you. I hope you’ll keep struggling. When I first read about Paul’s PRESENT struggle with sin in Romans 7, it brought me such hope. Not only because he gave the remedy, but because HE struggled with sin . . the Apostle Paul. Our struggles make us touchable. And while you look to others as important, I see you as important, and some see ME as important. Our desire to be known can be destructive, but it can also be motivating and good. Your comment on my last post carried such weight and affirmation, because through it I was known by you, an important person in my eyes. Just like anything else, Satan takes good gifts and good desires and tries to pervert them. But that doesn’t mean they still aren’t good at the core. Thank you for being so true, Michelle. I don’t think anyone wants anything else.
Ooops. I just reread my comment and need to clarify. I know many who are struggling against porn and alcohol and that fight is totally FOR God! My point is, your writing is a GOOD and constructive thing (unlike porn or alcohol addiction). So I think the enemy fights you and seemingly everyone else by twisting our motives. But that’s not a reason not to write . . in my opinion. 🙂
Yup, I totally get what you are saying, Kim (but thanks for the clarification in case anyone might have misinterpreted it). My husband said something similar when we were talking. He reminded me of when I first started down this road, how I always said if I could help one person in their doubt and unbelief with my story, it would be worth it. It started so purely, and has, at times, been twisted so much, I hardly recognize the calling anymore. It’s the darn book – I blame the book! 🙂
Thanks for that. I’ll be sure not to write a book . . . NOT 😉
I have reflected on this post all day…trying to formulate my comment. I am glad you hit publish and I can relate. I lost most of Friday at Allume crying in my room…seriously. Feeling like I was “less than” and useless. At one point I tried to have a conversation with a couple of people and felt like they blew me off because I wasn’t important enough…and it got in my head.
You are so not alone as is evidenced by the comments left on this post. And look at the “important” bloggers that left comments….I think you ARE in that crowd, Michelle.
Oh Mary, I can so relate, except the conversations I tried to have with some “important” people, didn’t even happen at all. They didn’t blow me off, they never even noticed.
I love you Mary, YOU are not alone, and neither are you Michelle…like Mary said, as evidenced by all these engaging comments. So thankful you published this…may we continue to honestly dialogue about this and tear down the isolation it brings.
Mary, and Jacque, and Michelle….I have to say, it’s so interesting to me that you all felt this way. In just the past few days, I have personally had conversations where I mentioned your names as people i saw serving, and loving, and connecting. And I’ll tell you what, at least for me, when I’m asking the Lord and praying about partnering with people moving forward in Allume or in any other areas in my life, it’s the people I see just functioning out of their own actual selves that catch my notice and it’s those people I think catch the Lord’s notice too. I’ts like Melanie said…God noticed David in the pastures before He promoted Him to the palace. You ladies are tending flocks in green pastures, and let me just assure you that it is noticed…by God and men. Love you all, and wish…so so wish that I’d been able to sit in a quiet corner with each of you for a full cup of coffee and conversation. I guess one day I’ll just have to crash into your living rooms by self-invitation! 🙂
And you know what’s ironic, Mary? More than once during the weekend I thought to myself, “Wow, look how involved Mary is, look how many connections she’s made…” Just two years ago the two of us were clinging to each other in the lobby, ready to pack up our bags and head for the hills, remember that? And this year, there you are, volunteering at the registration table, writing for the Allume blog, connected with all sorts of new people. I didn’t even get to have a meal with you, Mary – every time I looked for you, you were at a big table of people enjoying community and fellowship and clearly, or so I assumed, in your element.
I don’t know. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe when I was thinking all that, I should have communicated to you how proud I was of you, how excited I was that you’d stepped out so boldly and confidently. Maybe we don’t offer those affirmative words to each other because we assume the other person already knows…when in fact, the person is wrestling with the demons of insecurity and insignificance inside.
I don’t know what folks have said up above my comment here, but I do believe unequivocally, that you are NOT to stay away from writing. For, the honesty is worship. And it’s important and purpose-filled. And this rawness is your worship. Amen.
Hey girl
I’m just a reader in Edmonton Alberta… needing to know that my walk is not alone. Your blog has been one that has encouraged. To be honest, I thought of unsubscribing. BEFORE the 31 days. Since then – no way. You have been brave, vulnerable, authentic, genuine. A pure pleasure to read – a connection to the real.
Keep it up, M. What you have to say is a channel for love. A blessing to peace and challenge. A call to the ordinary day. A call to an extraordinary attitude. Beauty and grace.
Blessed girl, you are loved.
Don’t feel like you can’t unsubscribe any time, Kelly! I’m going to figure out how to turn off those notifications, so I won’t know anyway. 😉
But seriously, thank you so much for your encouragement. I love the way you put that: “A call to the ordinary day. A call to an extraordinary attitude.” That sounds like a movie trailer or something!
All that shoulding…I have lived under that burden of shoulding …I love this saying….we shouldn’t should on ourselves…and we shouldn’t should on others…. I am learning this…what I hear in your heart is an honest heart…and you don’t need to should the reality of what you feel….when we should these feelings….we stuff them in shame…and shame makes us hide. So we look honestly in the mirror…bravely give these faults…sins…habits…to the only One who never shoulds ….shames us…but will lovingly and ever so patiently walk us into freedom….not all at once…and usually He right back into those challenging places…and there we stand amazed of His redeeming love. Well done Michelle…keep planting….in due season!!!!
ro elliot…someone else who should (dare I say it) set her blog table again…and put lots of wisdom on the table for us to nibble from…with lots of dots…. instead of sentences….because you have a gift… and you bless so many with it…please pray about ‘setting your table’ again…You are so encouraging…the older version of Holley Gerth… a beautiful soul admire and love so very much…
I ditto that, Dea. Ro is wonderful.
L.
Ah, Michelle, gosh… You leave me speechless, because I struggle with this sometimes too. I’m not sure it’s the hugest one– there are plenty of embarrassing ones, believe me–but I get what you mean about it all being toxic to you. Wow. I read someone’s status yesterday, that when their first reaction is snark and cynicism to things, they know its time to shut it down and hide away. We need a re-filling. Because we are not infinitely wise and perfect beings like God, sometimes I really feel we live a lot of our lives a little jumbled up, and our heads spin, and we can’t see straight. You mentioned the quandry of how God wants us to shine for His glory and that there are problems in any job, so why should writing be any different (?) and yet, with all the noise and shouting and elbowing to get to the front, how do we know the truth we have us not actually darkness? (I told you I haven’t forgotten). I’m not sure of all the answers to these questions, but I know that I’m seeking too, and I totally get you. The fact that you care so deeply about your heart towards God, makes me really trust you, Michelle–it lets me know that you are not a person that just wants to be known, as much as you see yourself that way. I met someone different from that at Jumping Tandem, a woman full of grace, and laughter (even at herself in the cutest way) and so unassuming and humble. I was a big nobody, and in a few moments, you showed such kindness, and made me feel it was okay to be there, amongst authors who had books and big blogs, and I was scared shaking in my boots. You were one amongst a few who made the biggest impact on me. Okay, I said I was speechless, but *obviously* I had some words.. Lol! I love you Michelle, I’m always in your corner, I absolutely think your disclaimer was the coolest, and I’m never unsubscribing, and I’ll never stop being your friend, and I’m sharing this because you. Are. So. Cool. I mean really, someone finally said it.
Hey Miss Michelle! I remember that we met at a conference where there were lots of Christian celebs.
I’m sorry the rest of my comment got cut off somehow… I came away from that conference very much aware that the sweet ladies featured that weekend seemed very human. It is so easy to get caught in the ‘who’s better than who’ trap. It’s a struggle on many levels. I just came through Pricilla’s Gideon bible study which was powerfully good. My weakness…Gods strength. He has a habit of using our weakness often in more powerful ways then our strengths. In your transparency of your weakness you allowed him to do just that! I am grateful! Hugs to you,
Oh Michelle, yes, the tears. I can so relate. I’m still paralyzed…not able to find any words since I’ve been home, confessing this very thing at Jennie Allen’s talk. And while I so understand your position, you must know YOU were grace to me. As I struggled with this very thing, you welcomed me. You walked through the streets of Greenville with me, lingered in stores, and sat to chat. God used YOU and several others that afternoon to encourage my heart. And I’m coming to realize, even those “important” bloggers feel this way. They struggle with this too. No matter where we are on the proverbial rung of importance, we all long for approval and acceptance from a higher rung…
As so many others have said, you are not alone! And this IS a universal struggle, and perhaps it’s what we do with it that is sin, not the struggle itself. May we recognize our tendency to fit in and be approved and draw in to Him who created us with this longing, that ultimately can only be satisfied BY Him. I am with you and so for you, friend. Thank you for your kindness to me that afternoon. xo
Michelle, thank you so much. I just returned from Allume too, and its been comforting and incredibly frustrating to re-enter my daily reality. I am not alone in this!
Really, what I thought Logan was going to say when she summarized was this… “Be Small. The real stars are so small when we see them from earth.” For me this was the message of the conference. Annie Barrows (who did the art for the Growly books, do you remember this table?) has a card with a little acorn on it, and I can’t get this image out of my mind. I even carried an acorn around in my pocket for a while as a reminder.
The other one who really helped me was Ann Voskamp because she looked so darn uncomfortable with her fame. You know, part of me really wants that, what she has, because it would be so wonderful to be known and loved and listened to (oh, and to get paid something for all these hours!), but part of me knows that fame is a terrible burden. A terrible pressure to carry around. When I really think about it, I only want the amount of fame that God will help me to carry, and there is a freedom to being unknown that I suspect is also a gift.
You realize of course that I am trying to convince myself of all these things I have just written! This is all such a struggle for me. Thanks for all your good writing, and I am so glad that Sam re-posted on FB.
Michelle,
I read through every single comment here…every.single.one. And there was this part of me that died inside when I read the hurt and the outside-ness that people feel…especially when I saw so much inclusion happening along the way. I think everyone struggles to be known…and it’s like Ann said, that feeling is given from God. And a few thoughts I’ve had lately, are…I wonder how many people out there have YOU for that person they were dying to meet? I know I looked forward to finally putting your name and face and voice all together in one time and space. But know that there are others….when our words and our lives make influence on others, those people we have discipled, the people YOU have discipled, they want to know you. It’s because connection happens in our hearts and we long to make that connection known. It happens to us all.
And can I be vulnerable and share with you something that scares the heck out of me (and others I know) about being too known…it’s that somewhere in there, we would be known as some persona…or an image, and that the realities of the cry myself to sleep when I get hurt nights, or kicking myself when my temper flies and I speak to my kids out of exhasperated anger, the vulnerabilities of just daily struggle would somehow be glossed over….and I never want that to happen. And you know what else terrifies me, that people would see something I can “do” for them instead of who I can “be” in friendship with them. And from a person who gives much, it is so scary to think of having to be aware of who wants me for me, and who wants what I can offer them on a road to fulfillment of ambitions. Listen, I don’t know who the “in crowd” really is, but can I just encourage you that you’re in it…however that looks. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to be known, and know that many want to know you too. And I’m curious…at what point would you feel that you were known enough and by how many people…or by certain people? What would it look like for you to feel like you’d ever actually reached the point that your heart seems to be telling you that you’re falling short on? And once you’re there, do you feel that you’re satisfied then? I’d guess perhaps, no matter how high, or how far…there will still always be higher or farther. A friend told me one time that a very well known pastor…it was someone like Max Lucado or Chuck Swindoll, said that the higher up the leadership totem pole he felt he went, the lonlier the view became from the top. I’ll take authentic community over a tall totem pole view any day, and judging from the many comments that have been left here Michelle, that is exactly what you have been blessed to cultivate. I do believe that the King of Kings looks at you and says loudly, “Well done!’ Hugs and love to you. I’m glad you posted this…you are brave and will change lives because of it.
I so appreciate you stopping by here to participate in the conversation, Logan. And truly, the BIG reason I hesitated so much to publish this post was that I didn’t want my feelings/thoughts to be a reflection on Allume as a whole. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s NOT the conference, it’s all ME and the personal issues I continue to wrestle with as a writer and as a Christian. I attended Allume two years ago (when it was still Relevant) and again this year, and both times helped me grow deeply in a variety of ways. Both experiences were rich and fulfilling, but both times I also wrestled with this issue of not being “enough.” Your point about when is enough really enough is a good one, because this year I learned that the answer is never, as long as I am battling with this issue of comparison and the need to be included. There will always be someone else, someone bigger, someone shinier, someone with more fans and followers. This struggle really doesn’t have anything to do with Allume at all, or any other conference for that matter, it has to do with God and me, and my ability to trust that he has the best-laid plans for me, no which path or which people those plans include.
I also think your point about how those at the top might feel is a valid one. It must be hard to wonder whether people are talking to you or tweeting you or tagging you on Facebook just because of your position, or because of what you may be able to do for them. Deidra and I talked about this just a couple of days ago – the fact that sometimes we refer to the people at the top as the “big wigs,” (that’s my word), and would they really, as real people, want that title? I know I wouldn’t. I would be APPALLED if someone referred to me as a “big wig,” because that’s not how I think about myself, and I’m fairly certain that’s not how most of the people at the top think of themselves either. So thank you for mentioning that very issue here – that’s a whole other level of insecurity and fear that I had never considered until this week.
I want you to know, too (and I told Kristin Schell this as we sat together at dinner the last night), I saw and felt and experienced a new, fresh vision at Allume this year – a new focus on community, connection and serving that wasn’t quite as obvious when I attended the conference a couple of years ago. And I really, really loved that. The impact opportunities, the speakers like the man from Operation Christmas Child and the panel led by Mike Rusche – those and many, many other sessions were hugely impactful because they gave us – the regular, ordinary, everyday people – the power to make a change, even one small change, right in our own backyards, in our own communities and beyond. I came away from some of the sessions with new ideas to try with my kids (I ordered a shoe kit online!) and a new and refreshed zest to do something, even one small thing. Allume’s focus on community, connection and serving was really obvious, and I credit you and your team with that.
So thank you! And thank you, too, for your gracious comment here. I know it must have been hard to read through some of the difficult comments here, but just know that my insecurities and my sin doesn’t have a thing to do with you or the conference, but with my own relationship with God.
OH YOU GUYS!!!! I’M WAAAAYYY TOO LONG AGAIN! I AM SO SORRY. PUT A KEYPAD UNDER MY FINGERTIPS, AND I JUST GO CRAZY!!!!!
Logan, and Michelle commenting below you, I agree w/ every, single word you have both said. It was some of what I was trying to express in my (VERBOSE! ugh!) post above. When you are in a position of leadership, it’s a heap of responsibility and , too, I’ve found some leaders I’ve known question why they are being approched. Is it just for them, as persons, or to be associated with or to be taken advantage of? I hope that didn’t happen to you or Sarah Mae at Allume. And, Michelle, I hear you:. You were strictly speaking of yourself and not about Allume. I think you made that very clear in your blogpost. Along the lines of the conference, may I just say that I have attended many in this genre, whether secular or Christian, and I came away with a different kind of spirit at Allume than I often have. There was an utter emphasis on community, on spiritual content, on prayer, on opportunites to fellowship, on opportunities to serve. And the women I met are incredibly talented (Michelle is one of them, and the others know who they are in our group encounters), and yet I saw no arrogant ego raising her ugly head, but just women who were celebrating each other’s gifts and opportunities, and just wanting to be friends and to come alongside as cheerleaders. And Michelle, if you are reading, you’ve still said that your ego emerged, and yet it didn’t show. Please know that. Just by reaching out to others at the conference, you were fighting it. And yo’ure fighting it now through public confession. And God is doing such a mighty work in your heart and in the hearts of others who have now dared to be as vulnerable as you!!! Thank you so much, Michelle! But back to Logan: I have also been to conferences were ego took first place and was manifesting her ugly self at every turn in many participants……where ego was blatantly front and center and no one was apologizing about it; they were reveling in it…..and where the conference, itself, was geared towards competition, and beautiful clothes, and openly naming names and accomplishments, and whose sole purpose was to motivate participants to be on top. There was none of that at Allume. It was a bowing-low kind of conference, so the King could be lifted up. Yes, Michelle (and others) have admitted that they may have felt some things they didn’t like inside, but they are doing exactly what Christians should do–confessing them, and letting the Body of Christ confess too and come around them to minister. I have had those egocentric feelings so many times in the past, whether in promoting myself or in envying others. But this time, and I praise God for His grace, I was just able to bask in the beauty of it all. I think that God has sidelined me for so long for one reason to drain an ocean of ego out of me. I honestly want others to flourish. I’m not saying I never envy. I”m a great, big sinner. But attending Allume helped me realize that some of my ugly ego has been killed, and I just loved receiving all the beauty that was in store and championing others. I thank you and Sarah Mae. for all your hard-and-heart work, and I thank Michelle for such rich, honest sharing and for being a special and selfless friend to me last weekend.
Love
Lynn
And for what it’s worth….I absolutely don’t think you should stop writing.
You are known & loved by the important people: Brad, Noah, Rowan, Jeanine, Matt, Oliver, Mom, & Dad.
Amen, Mr. DeRusha!!!!!!!!!!
Well Michelle, there isn’t much I can add that hasn’t already been said. But I stand amazed at the response this post has elicited from readers! Exposed vulnerability brings new relationship. (We do not relate to the one who “appears” to have it all together, but to the one who is transparent and honest about the struggle.)
It’s funny, but I went through something similar just this past weekend in attending a conference near Toronto with a friend. Canada’s largest Christian ministry, 100 Huntley Street, held a women’s conference under the banner of “Live. Move. Be.” from Acts 17:28. There are 4 “famous” Christian women on the team who appear on my T.V. screen daily. I was star-struck…but not for long. I immediately recognized my habit of putting people on pedestals, and instead, saw them as just as nervous and insecure as the ones of us sitting in the audience. The one who got my most undivided attention, was the one who is working tirelessly to free girls from the sex-trade in Cambodia. She got up on that “stage” and with many tears, spoke of these little girls with such passion. She “hoped” to raise $3000. that day for the cause. Total offering? $8850.!!! It costs $100. to free 1 girl…the same amount a man pays for 1 night with these precious little ones. I came home and shed some tears myself. Tears of wanting to “be known” by these women and then the ludicrous-ness of such a desire.
I confess, Michelle, I felt jealous when I saw the photos of Allume. All “the big guns” sitting at one table together for lunch. The “Who’s Who” of Women’s Christian blogging. I love you all, yet I was struck by the falsehood of my own desire to know and be known by any of you. I guess that’s part of why? I comment.
Thank you, Michelle, for “exposing” your heart here. It IS the bane of the mortal existence–wanting so badly to know and be known. Jesus understands our humanity—Afterall, He wasn’t exactly “popular” either.
This whole thread is a beautiful display of Christian community: encouragement, sharing of hearts, hugs and relationship. I am so glad you posted and love knowing that freedom is coming on the other side of wrestling. I haven’t stopped thinking of this since I jumped in yesterday with only 15 minutes to do so. Today I came back because someone came over to my blog from here.
So thank you for starting a conversation that we really need to have!!
I’m in a blogger’s Bible study currently talking about this too. I am coming to the conclusion that the feelings are the “holy tension” OF the pivotal point of ‘putting to death the flesh’. (like an alert) And I think we get trapped as women with feeling jealous, then feeling guilty: double-negative feelings which lead to -more negative feelings: discouragement, and then despair. It’s inevitable negative-feeling dominoes!!! UNLESS we learn that the feelings are not sin, but acting on them can be (ie: giving in to them instead of taking the thought captive that led to the feeling in the first place)
I love that Logan reminded of Ann’s message that the longing to be known is a God-given one, it’s just learning to find contentment there in His heart… and I’m with you in the learning stage.
I’m so glad we met, and am looking forward to getting to know you better. 🙂
Michelle, it breaks my heart to hear about those tears on the Atlanta flight. We were on the same one and I looked for you when I got off the plane but you were already gone. I would have loved to listen long and hard to your heart over lunch or coffee. I would have hugged you and told you how much you matter, how deeply you’re valued, how your voice is important in this space. We’re all the same. And we’re all on the same team. Thank you for your vulnerability here. I want a raincheck for that lunch or coffee, okay? XO
I so get this and still I sit here so baffled at it all. Not because I don’t believe it, but because I can’t believe how un-creative the enemy is in whispering the same lies to all of us!
I couldn’t go to Allume due to my pregnancy, but Michelle, for the record: You would have been one I would have longed to buddy up with … YOU would have been one in the in-crowd I would have longed for! And I laugh now at how the enemy can convince us we’re not. Because let’s face it. We’re a part of the body of Christ. Jesus will not sever us. We’re guaranteed an eternity of His love so long as we hold on tight. No wonder we’re prime bait to him…
and I wonder what it would look like if we lived like we believed it…we’re in Jesus’ circle…the supreme in-crowd.
Michelle, I felt like I was reading some of my story in your words. Thank you for hitting publish. One of my constant battles has always been feeling insignificant even though as a Christian I KNOW this is not true. But every time I go to a conference I feel that insecurity race back to the surface. I put that need to be known above God and I hate it. A couple of weeks ago I attended the Storlyline conference and it was the first time I didn’t fight that feeling that I didn’t belong. It was a cool feeling.
Oh boy Michelle. I kept seeing this post popping up in my FB timeline and finally clicked over to read. You are soooo not alone on this. I attended a blogging conference this past spring… I had gone the year before and enjoyed myself, but this time I was only going to hear one of the speakers and to see a few of the women I only get to see at this type of conference. And I was miserable all weekend. I don’t fit. I don’t write neat. I don’t take business cards. I just love to write. This conference was a specific niche – blogging, writing, homeschooling, Christian. You can’t get more specific than that.
And I don’t fit into any of those categories neatly. Most Christians avoid me once they figure out that I am more than “nice. sweet. and funny.” I say things that make folks think… and they get squirmy and I get very tired. I don’t blog to make money or followers or praise. I do it to stay sane.
Since the conference was close to home I spent the night in my own bed and then traveled back for the morning. By Sunday morning I was spent… I got up ready to kiss my hubby and babies and go back for another round, but couldn’t find it in me. So I decided to stay home – to spend that day with my family. Their faces and reactions were all I needed to know I made the right decision. This is where I am loved, valued, heard and known.
Christians love their retreats and conferences… and so many attendees end up feeling left out or like they have to perform to a certain level to be seen, understood and valued. It brings out our ugly.
Michelle, I’m so glad you published this one. This kind of vulnerability is terrifying but I firmly believe it leads to freedom, for you and for the many others with whom it has clearly resonated. Conferences are such an odd mix of expectations and reality. I’m fairly certain my blog conference days are behind me as I focus on writing but the few I attended were such a whirlwind of highs and lows. It’s amazing to make heart connections with people you’ve only previously known through social media. It’s disappointing when some of those connections don’t happen after all. It’s heartbreaking when people don’t seem to notice you or want to get to know you. All valid emotions but I’ve learned how quickly I can nurse those negative feelings until I’m face to face with my old enemy: comparison/envy. It’s a different shade of what you’re discussing here but the heart is the same: we want to be seen and heard. I don’t think it’s wrong at its core. Seeing and hearing people is the greatest gift we can give someone. It comes down to our motives. You quoted Rohr but I don’t know if you’re familiar with his work on the Enneagram. I’d definitely encourage you to look into it. It’s really helped me wrestle with my core struggle and start figuring out a way to live with it but not be defeated by it.
Judging by the number of comments here, aren’t you glad you wrote this post? You are connecting with people on a very deep and personal level. You are brave and honest – it resonates! As for Allume, I’m glad you were there. You were the second blogger I recognized – someone I read but haven’t met yet – and you were NICE. The first one, who is (yes) more widely known that you, was not. She was dismissive, in fact. It (obviously) hurt my feelings. But you, you were nice. And that gave someone like me, who blogs and writes on a much smaller level, confidence. So thank you. I know you, and I like you.
Hi! I am Natasha and I came to your website through Nester blogs 31 Project on today. I am commenting on this post because your pain spoke to a pain that I also endured for years. I too have the desire to be like and friends with the so called most important people in this world. In the past I would cry and mentally criticize myself with this issue. It wasn’t until the Holy Spirit led me to 2 Corinthians 12, verses 1-10 that my eyes were opened and my soul healed in this area. It was through Paul’s confession of conceit and the Lord’s continually denial of his request that he learned to let go and receive peace after the lord stated these following words. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9( NIV) After reading this, I then took on the same peace that passes understanding knowing that Christ’s grace absolutely is enough to take on any struggles I may face.
In my circumstance, Satan intercepted my thoughts with these prideful longings and like he anticipated I would assume that God was ashamed of me for thinking this way. When in truth God has/will always love me and never reject me as He has eternally separated my sin from His presence through my salvation in Jesus.
Since this revelation I completely accept that once tormenting thought to be like those at the top of their game; “experts”, the New -York Times Bestsellers, Trendsetters and those who are the most talked about within social rankings in society because I am no longer condemned about it (Rom. 8:1- the no condemnation factor). I now know that it doesn’t come from a sinful place and that I’m not actually reaching for the top spot, but excellence. What God showed me was that I genuinely desire to strive for excellence to do my best in everything set before me by His grace.
Yet, that pure conscience was being overridden by my sin consciousness to believe what Satan says about me, and we all know his trademark is killing, stealing, and destroying through lies. So, I know that God is working in all of this to encourage us both to keep being His best because we are going to the top for His glory. This too may be your inward ” thorn” of sorts to keep you from going overboard when the success that you have envisioned does manifest itself; I don’t know. Whatever the root cause of this small obstacle may be sister I’m rooting for you. Knowing that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Way late on this, but I just wanted to thank you for this honest post.
One of the things I like about the (secular) book The War of Art is that the author (a bestselling novelist) really gives writers a kick in the you-know-what and reminds us to keep our eyes on our own work and stop comparing ourselves to others. Even though the author is not a Christian, it’s done wonders for my spiritual life as I work on my writing.
Also, my spiritual director once gave me great advice when I repeatedly struggled with a similar issue: she reminded me to laugh at myself. It actually really helped me overcome that temptation when I would feel it creeping in, and I’d just start laughing and think, “Oh my goodness, here I go with this silliness again!”
Anyway, thanks for your honesty!
Even nearly a year later, your authenticity and transparency in this post is moving. Thank you, Michelle, for pushing through the challenge (and for posting even against your husband’s advice). I relate to these feelings and emotions so well.