I almost bailed on this 31 Days series. Not because it’s a lot of work (although it is). And not because I ran out of things to say about authenticity (although I came close).
No, I almost quit this 31 Days series because it didn’t pay off as I had hoped.
It didn’t pay off in numbers.
I’ll tell you a secret: I lost more subscribers during this 31 Days series than I have during any other period in my four+ years as a blogger.
And I’ll tell you another secret: it hurts. I’m not going to lie. Losing subscribers pains me.
When I complained about this fact to my husband, he said, “What?! Well quit then! It’s not worth all the work to end up losing readers!” True enough. And believe me, part of me — okay, pretty much all of me — wanted to quit. Every time I got that daily email telling me another subscriber, or two or three, had cancelled their subscription, panic filled my throat and a pit yawned wide in my stomach.
Clearly what I wrote didn’t resonate. Clearly Michelle DeRusha seven days a week was simply too much! For Heaven’s sake, who needs to hear from Michelle DeRusha seven days a week? Clearly not the readers who were unsubscribing in droves.
But it turned out God used 31 Days to an Authentic You not to teach me about authenticity, but to teach me (again) about my upside-down, mixed-up, backwards priorities – about my tendency to put my desire to be known ahead of him.
You see, here’s another secret (clearly I should start my own PostSecret community here!): God planted the idea of 31 Days of Authenticity in me, but I pursued it not out of obedience, but out of selfishness.
What began as a God-ordained mission morphed into selfish desire for more readers. In two days flat, I transformed an authentic God-calling into a worldly craving for more. In two days flat this project became at least as much about the numbers as it was about the pursuit of authenticity.
So you know what God did? He used my stubbornness, drive, ambition and downright refusal to quit, ever, to teach me an important lesson. God knew I wouldn’t quit 31 Days because I’m the most pig-headed person he’s ever created. And so he knew that in my stubborn drive to gut out 31 Days to the bitter end, I would finally learn the real lesson, perhaps the real lesson he’d had in store for me all along.
Look at the date, friends. It took 29 days for me to learn this hard truth: I put the need to be known ahead of God, time and time again.
{Tomorrow we’ll continue with this thread when I write about what I learned at Allume – and be forewarned, it’s not pretty. People, I’m going out like a Roman candle on this 31 Days series.}
I hear you, Michelle. Those emails are painful (I need to figure out how to turn that notification off).
I know you aren’t looking for compliments or reassurances, but I want to say that I have appreciated some of your posts this month more than anything I’ve read of yours in the past (and I’ve been reading and appreciating for a while now). There is something incredibly powerful and moving about the stripped-down honesty you’ve practiced this month. All I can say is “I want more!” The topic of authenticity may come to an end with this month, but I hope you never let go of the posture.
I agree Christie. I love your heart by the way. Honestly, if I can be surrounded by people like you and Michelle, I’m not sure anything else matters in this crazy upside down world. We need each other.
I’ll chime in here, too, Michelle. I have loved this series. And let me tell you a helpful little secret: when Lyla redid my blog this year, I purposely didn’t ask her how to check on stats. So, I haven’t a clue how to do that. I’ve never had much of a readership and sometimes that has bothered the heck outta me, to be honest. But I’m trying to move away from that mind-numbing numbers mentality and just let the blog be what it is, to whomever shows up. You have a definite tribe, Michelle, and the REAL tribe will grow. Let the hangers-on go. Unsubscribe from notifications and bury your stat page somewhere. Then, just write your heart. Cuz it’s that heart we love. (And that last line – YES – I’m looking forward to that last day or so. Preach it.)
Michelle, I was going to say this, but as usual, Diana said it better.
yes to this from me too. I love that you wrote all of this, Michelle. Please don’t stop.
I had turned off the notification on Feedburner, but then I recently switched my subscriber service to MailChimp and the notifications started appearing in my in-box again. So yes, I need to turn it off!
Thank you, Christie, Diana, Shelly, Kris, for your hugely kind and supportive words here. Love you all!
I”m so sorry about the loss, Michelle, but I think you’ve gained far more. When you do anything for God alone, then numbers don’t matter. Just know, that I have enjoyed reading and am so glad you didn’t stop!
love
lynn
I’ve certainly gained wisdom through what God has taught me in all this. I fear it’s a lesson I need to be reminded of again and again. You have been INCREDIBLY encouraging through this WHOLE series, Lynn, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. Lots of love…
I’ve loved your series, Michelle. I don’t tire of hearing your voice.
One thing I’ve learned from my own 31 Days series is that I’ll be glad when October is over. ha. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my topic (book quotes!) but it’s been more work than I thought it would be, and I’ve wondered too if people want to scream when they see another post up from me. (But, alas, I’m also too stubborn to quit!)
I look forward to what you’ll share tomorrow about Allume. I already cringed with what you wrote earlier because isn’t it the truth that sometimes we *don’t* come away changed from events in ways we expected to? You are honest. And I LOVE that about you.
Well, I’ve gone back and forth big-time about my post for tomorrow. It’s still sitting as a draft file on the WordPress dashboard. I really don’t think it will be new information for any of my loyal readers (like you!), but still, it’s hard to press publish on this stuff sometimes.
I wish I could say I never looked at the numbers
perhaps God has protected me to some extent because my readership has never truly exploded
I have hovered between 190 – 195 going up and down in that range
nothing to brag about
but nothing to keep me from writing whatever He commands….
Mmmmm, very interesting statement, Karin: “Nothing to keep me from writing what He commands.” I think it does get harder to obey, the greater the number of readers. That’s a good point, and something to think about more for sure.
I woke up this morning praying for you. I am helping to carry your burdens today, I feel the weight of them and it makes me kind of sad really. I love you so much you know. You have such a wonderful way of loving people by laying down your . . . self. Honestly, I think you might be one of the most vulnerable people I know Michelle. You’ve been a mentor for me in that very thing as I’ve written about it this month. Your words are not lost, they are not. They matter.
It really truly does help to know you are praying and helping to carry my burdens, Shelly. You are the QUEEN prayer warrior (you and Emily W both!). I am so, so grateful for your friendship.
Michelle, I had to turn off the emails that told me someone jumped ship. Each one was a blow to the gut I didn’t need. Thanks for your blog. I enjoy it and it ministers to me.
Seriously, Wayne, I know – it’s hard and humbling, isn’t it? I had them turned off, then I switched subscriber services and the notifications started appearing in my in-box again. I’m heading over to MailChimp today to figure out how to turn it off!
Thanks for your kind encouragement, Wayne. I appreciate it, and it’s always nice to see a man around these parts (aside from my husband and my dad, that is!).
“Rejection” in any form cuts right to the heart…I think we stop being human if it doesn’t ….it’s what we do with the pain that either kills us or brings us alive…and you Michele are alive…because you felt the pain and responded…and even if our initial response isn’t ” lovely ” God doesn’t care…He just wants us to stay in the game…to keep wrestling out…with Him and with ourselves. And He proves to us what an amazing REDEEMER He is…no matter how ugly…He can make all things beautiful. You maybe lose in numbers…oh but in time…what you gained will far exceed ….in due season we reap…we live in this upside-down Kingdom….losing is gaining. Blessings and grace…press on to the end!!!!
You breathe such encouragement, Ro. This especially: “in due season we reap.” Thank you for that.
Michelle, I haven’t read them all, but I have read maybe half of them. And you’ve given me so much to think about here that it makes me want to go to lunch and have a real, authentic, face to face conversation with you. Hash some of this stuff out with the true accountability of a friend’s face staring back at you.
I’m tempted to write a blog-post length response here, but since I blog so little anymore, maybe I should write a real blog post. lol.
And, really. I wish a lunch date was a possibility.
Love,
Dawn
I suspect we’ll have a lunch date in our future. Hey, our paths crossed once in person already, right? And I am thankful for that God-ordained meeting, Dawn – you have been such a blessing to me! {and we can always talk on the phone, right?}
Oh, man, I hear ya! On all of it. Happy you stuck through it and learned some things along the way. Those unsubscribers are missing out, and other more engaged people will fill in their space. God is faithful like that 😉
I almost sent you an email the other day. And then it was all Allume and everything and I thought I’d tell you in person but we were always running from one place to the next so I’m going to tell you right here. And I’m not telling you this because I’m some great judge of character or anything. I’m just telling you this because it’s true and because you’re my friend and I love you: I’ve seen a change in you over the past few weeks. A boldness in your faith. A confidence in your call. A tenderness in your heart. It’s beautiful. Not that you were timid or weak or harsh before. Simply that I notice something different and these are the words I have to describe what I see and hear and feel when I’m around you. My words don’t do it justice, because it’s clearly a Holy Spirit thing you’ve got going on, and who has words for that? I simply want to tell you that I see you, and when I see you, I see Jesus more and more.
Oh Deidra, Oh Michelle! Wow. I see this. You are so right, Deidra. Something has transformed in your writing, Michelle–not in ability (we KNOW you can write), but in vulnerability! Michelle, you are writing on the breath of His power, on the surge of His love, on the command of His charge. As Kristin said, before, you’re *obeying.* I obeyed the Lord and wrote a book, and then (when it made no earthly sense to me and was excruciating to do), I obeyed and slayed the book on the altar of my heart and did nothing more with that (crazy, I know). That act guaranteed that many people would not read it. But I;’ve learned to trust that God would get the msg. He gave me to the people w/ whom He wanted it shared. I turned randomly in Daily Light (pure Scripture) today as I thought of you. I think that this message *is* for you: (Day March 25) “Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. My word . . . shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please. Neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase.” It’s GOD who gives the increase. Oh, Michelle, please don’t fret about those stats that stifle your spirit. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Write because He’s given you a message worth sharing. Do it His way (in this case, for thirty-one days). And then trust His majestic and divine sovereignty to get those words to whomever He wants. It’s not how many “who’s,” but the particular “who’s” He knows needs to take the message to heart! I’m so excited for you, really. You’re right where you need to be (obedient), and the blog is reaching exactly whom it is intended to reach!
I love you!
Lynn
Amen. So beautifully said, I was going to say something of a similar vein. In the interest of being authentic, I used to only read your space sporadically, and then one day, I subscribed a while back, and as I kept reading, and have seen your words around the web and in our (in)couragers group, I have also seen what Deidra is talking about, a real transformation–and now it feels like a back-handed compliment, which it isn’t–I just SEE Jesus in you. I see a gentle humility that has grown and blossomed and it’s so beautiful.
Don’t stop writing from the deep places, Michelle. Your willingness to be real is precisely what keeps me reading and emailing you. I love your heart, sweet lady–you inspire me, my friend. Love this, and Love you.
Yep. I’m with ya. Like I told you at dinner the other night, I joined the 31 Day frenzy as an act of obedience which has absolutely nothing to do with blogging and everything to do with the need for a repentant heart and the willingness to be refined. On this 29th day I can say I’ve learned more about authenticity and who God created me to be. Your writings have played a part in this journey, too. I’m grateful. As for the unsubscribers, both yours and mine? Whatevs.
Oh wow, Christin, what a great word here–obedience. We do what God tells us, and then He will see that our act accomplishes His purposes. Look how Michelle has helped you, as He’s helped me, as He’s helped so many others. Your words here bless *me*.
blessings,
Lynn
Michelle is a good egg.
Indeed, Brad. The best.
Yes, she is a good egg, Brad. Whether she’s sunny-side up or feeling a bit fried. 🙂
Love you, Michelle DeRusha.
I actually found you through the 31 series. I haven’t read all your posts, but I value your perspective and honesty. It isn’t something found online often.
I struggle a lot with:
What does God want me to do
vs.
What do I want to do.
It is a constant struggle and I don’t think it ever won’t be a struggle.
Thanks, again, for being so honest. It is greatly appreciated by this new reader.
Oh, Michelle…this is why I love you so! You keep it real…and that helps me to remember to be real too. While I pray for your victory in this area, I pray for my own victory in my weaknesses too. You encourage me.
This is a reminder of why I should be coming by your place more often! I love your honesty, Michelle.
Michelle, the Almighty God most certainly taught you about authenticity and you have just given us the most beautiful display right here. We are broken people who live in a broken world. Why not tell others about our brokenness? That is how you let people know that it is normal to be selfish or to be hurt or jealous or any such thing. Our brokenness will not be completely healed in this lifetime. Helping people be authentic by acknowledging their brokenness and giving up their selfish quests for perfection is an amazing ministry, Michelle. I am so glad that you did not quit on this 31 Days project. You have spoken truth to me and my fan base of five. 😉 Thank you for saying that you put others things before Him. That is the most real anyone could get.
Hi Michelle, I am not a part of the blogsphere world at all. I have no desire to write. But when I retired over a year ago I began to see the internet as part of my spiritual community. Your words have become an integral part of my time of prayer and meditation. I don’t know what it means to gain or lose subscribers. I only know that your work makes a difference in my life. Thanks for being vulnerable so I was prompted to tell you this today. Blessings on the rest of your 31 days and beyond.
Michelle, thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one. On just about everything. :). The unsubscribers this month. The wondering, wrangling with self. Can’t wait for the next two days! (or is it three? I’m delirious! )
I can’t believe people would unsubscribe like that! If it happened to me, I know I’d be so hurt, too. But, glad to hear that God could reveal such an important lesson to you through this experience. I have most definitely enjoyed your series here, Michelle, and can truly appreciate all the hard work you’ve put into this.
Blessings!
I’m sad to say “I told you so”. As suggested, you should have written about me for 31 days. That way you would have lost all of your subscribes and you wouldn’t have to do a blog every day! LOVE YOU, DAD
Dear Mr. DeRusha,
You are just so funny & clever. I think maybe Michelle’s third book will be about YOU! You are giving her ample material here. I know that I would buy a copy! So, think again: If your darling daughter had written about you here on the blug, I would have hung on! Sorry to disappoint you! Ha! =]
Blessings,
Lynn
PS I was sooo excited to meet your darling daughter in person at Allume! I know you are immensely proud of her!
Well, I for one am not a subscriber – but this was a GREAT post on authenticity! Such brutal honesty and looking straight into the mirror – OUCH! I am one of those that needs to be hit upside the head about 10 times in order to understand what God has been gently trying to tell me all along. The response will come. Not to worry. The truly authentic people have stuck by you during this 31 days and there will be more, for sure…
I used to follow you via e-mail. Now I follow you on Facebook. Does that sort of change show up?
I’ve enjoyed your 31 Day Series. You have been so real & transparent. That has spoken to me. You’ve said things that we’ve all needed to hear. Because we’ve felt the same things and not had the courage to say it.
You keep on saying it Michelle!
Keep on keeping on
“I put the need to be known ahead of God, time and time again.” Me too. It’s the truth and I know it. So, I’ve decided for a season I need to step back from blogging/podcasting to press in to WHY. I’m ready to go where God leads.
Still here, Susta! You’ll have to do more than that to run me off! <3
Michelle, I love your open spirit and the way you share your heart. I haven’t had a chance to read each of your posts during this 31 days, but the ones I have read were real and honest and truthful. And they helped guide us toward the Founder of authenticity. Thanks for your sharing.
I love your John the Baptist, trail blazing, fiery kind of prepare-the-way-of-the-Lord-tenacity… Oh yes!
This year I’m learning that sometimes ministry, in whatever form it takes, is not necessarily just for those around us. I have been deeply ministered to while ministering to others. Why I thought God wasn’t able to multitask like that, I’ll never know, but He did and I’m so thankful.
Please don’t stop.
PREACH Sister! I had some revelation dig it’s way into my soul recently too. Let just do unto others eh? Love you!
Oh Michelle – I think we are kindred spirits. I actually did quiet the 31 days……because I was getting little to no comments on the posts. I figured there was no point if I wasn’t going to get at least the few comments I usually get. But I got an email from someone I deeply admire who didn’t think I should quit. So I deleted the post and kept writing. It really has been a lesson in humility. One I seem to have to learn over and over and over again.
Oh Michelle,
What honesty you have. I am a small blogger. I don’t get many email subscriptions and some of those have changed. But I realized a long time ago it was not about numbers… unless God wants the numbers. It is not how hard I try but how much God inspires me.
God has put it on my heart to do 21 Days of Prayer through art … but I haven’t started it yet. And I will be doing it all on my own without a blog presence just to see what happens to me during that period.
I love your blog and your writing.
Blessings,
Janis http://www.janiscox.com
Michelle ~! Your posts in my mail-box this month have been some of the most valuable- I see your name and read your authentic post because I need to learn this lesson too.
And on this day- you have been authentic- brave woman of God- YOU ~!
Don’t you dare give up.
Even for one, it would be worthwhile.
Looking forward to tomorrow’s post after all these comments 🙂
It was such a pleasure meeting you for just a moment at Allume and it sparked a sweet desire to know you even better! This just gave me another reason! May God continue to shine bright in your words and your life!
Blessings,
Angie
Michelle,
Like others, I found you through this series.
This is my first experience with 31 Days; has it increased your reader subscription before?
Maybe you’re disappointed because you had expectations.
I’m blogging, in general and for the 31 Days, to minister to women and I have to say that just as when I teach the word in person, I’ve have to leave the results with God. If I focused on results I’d have quit blogging after a week!
You seem like a sincere and Bible grounded woman of faith. You can trust God with the results.
Remember Jesus’ experience in Jerusalem. One day the crowds cried Hosanna! Hosanna! and before long they cried Crucify Him.
I find I have to purposely get my eyes off people and keep them on the Lord or I lose all perspective and then the enemy comes in like a flood.
Besides, you can do anything for 2 days. I’ve known women who were in labor for 2 days.
Chin up girl. You’ve got this.
Blessings,
Kelly