I leaned against the doorframe and surveyed the dim kitchen. Spotless countertops. Pans tucked into cupboards. Unused wooden spoons, spatulas and ladles poised in the pitcher by the stove. A stack of stained potholders and oven mitts sat untouched in the drawer. Pizza boxes and paper plates were heaped in the trashcan, remnants of supper the night before.
Our family had eaten Thanksgiving dinner at my brother- and sister-in-law’s house earlier that afternoon. We didn’t speak of it much, but all of us were keenly aware of my mother-in-law’s glaring absence. She had died in September. This was our first Thanksgiving without her.
…I’m writing about walking through grief during the holidays over at The High Calling today. Join me there?
Oh, Michelle, how you so often speak to me as a friend.
My grief journey of the holiday pain w/o him…..an update!
This will be my 5th season of gladness, thanks, and celebration . This journey does not really change on any given day. But, when the whole family gathers, the ‘glaring absence’ hits hardiest. I won’t really know until January how it all came out, but let me notate just two changes I feel deep in my bones. Last Christmas, my eldest said before the prayer to eat! She said, “Hold on, I need to talk. We need to talk about Dad. I need to say something to all of you. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HIM, AND NOW IS A TIME TO START. I need to share about my own grief, and maybe you do too!”
This opened a one and a half hour of speaking aloud thoughts that had been stuffed. Food got cold, but nobody cared. It was cathartic.
My second comment…..this fourth year will soon be ending, but it is my 5th beginning. It has been a monumental year.
I sold the home, the old barn I loved, my 2acre green space, nary a neighbor’. I had had this privacy for 30 years. And, 6 months later I sold my business I had owned for 25 years. It was a global business shipping a designed bar of soap which still sells the original design I created. An amazing journey. I could not have planned an easier switching to new owners than if I had hand picked each new owner. HIS GRACE in action, for sure. No room here to explain, but let me just say, the new owners, in each instance, could not be happier, proving to me the timing was right. It was all good. Still I had changes to adjust to, deep changes……I am going to the beach on the 26th, a private secluded house, all just for me, and I plan to tie a big red bow around the end to this year,. Difficult, yes! Mind-breaking, yes. But, necessary, yes. And God showed up for ALL of us. He never leaves us stranded. So, after Christmas Day, say alittle prayer for me as I write the ‘whole story’, with feet in the sand, the Sunset which will go on forever dropping into my sea of this very changeable year. My year of GRACE EXPOSED,
I have so much to say, Bonnie, but first, let me start with just how proud I am for how you have walked (and continue to walk) this journey through grief. You have taken big, big steps, girl, and you continue to find joy and Thanksgiving in the midst of loss. I mean, look how you started this comment: “This will be my 5th season of gladness, thanks, and celebration .” Five long seasons without your beloved Barry, but yet look at the joy, the celebration, the gratefulness that shines through your words. You. Are. Amazing.
I love that your eldest daughter urged you all to speak about your grief, your feeling of loss, and of course about all the big, important ways Barry filled your lives through the years. Keep talking! Keep remembering! We have made it a point to talk about Jon and Janice (Brad’s parents – Jon is passed now, too – just 15 months after Janice), especially with our kids. We want the boys to always remember their grandparents and know how much they were loved by them.
I am praying that you will find solace, peace and joy during your time alone on the 26th, and I pray that God will meet you right there – I know that He will.
Peace and love, dear Bonnie. Happy Thanksgiving, dear friend.
She is missed alright. But the good thing is, she is having thanksgiving feast with Jesus.
Happy thanksgiving to you out there.
Thanks, Michelle. Thanksgiving always brings bittersweet flavors. My mother died ten years ago this week. The loss was huge. In fact, we got the phone call on Thanksgiving morning. Mom’s untimely death was tough enough, but having the memory perpetually linked with Thanksgiving has forced some reflection I never would have considered otherwise. I’ve come to understand how loss in life is one of God’s greatest ways to cultivate a grateful heart.
The “glaring absence” of my mother was clearly with me yesterday as this was the first holiday without her. She passed away January 30, 2013 at age 98, almost 99. No matter how long we are blessed to have a dear one near, the loss is the loss for those left behind. This is the first season of holidays that my husband and myself (Being married 20+ years now) have not had three, two, or one parent with us. Our whole marriage has been about caregiving and neither would change a thing. But it is different and hard. But we know that God has all three of them with Him now and that one day we will be there too.
Praying for each of those who shared above and for your and your husband’s family, Michelle.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
My nephew’s wife was killed in a tragic car accident on her first day of her rural mail route on November 6. During this season which will include her birthday and their anniversary, I struggle to know what to say or do. I think just talking about her and letting her husband and 7 month old baby know that we remember her is a good start. Thank you for posting this.