The people I love most in the Bible are those, like Zechariah, who wrestle with doubt.
Zechariah actually starts off on the right foot. When Gabriel visits him in the temple, the priest is properly awed, trembling in amazement as he stands at the incense altar before the angel of the Lord. But when Gabriel prophecies that a baby — a son filled with the Holy Spirit, a son who will lead the Israelites to the Lord — will be born to the aged Zechariah and Elizabeth, the priest’s faith wavers. Skepticism begins to surface.
“How can I be sure this will happen?” Zechariah asks the angel. “I’m an old man now, and my wife is also well along in years.” (Luke 1:18) Zechariah doesn’t buy it. He wants proof.
Suddenly, this holy man who minutes before had stood trembling in awe and fear before the angel of the Lord now doubts what the angel tells him. Zechariah is only willing to go so far in faith. He’s willing to believe in God, but he’s not willing to believe in the possibility of God’s miracle.
I get this.
When the doctors told my mother-in-law that there was nothing more they could do, that her cancer had spread too far, I didn’t pray for a miracle. I prayed for hope, strength and peace. I prayed that Janice would find solace and comfort in her last weeks. I prayed that Brad and his father and brother would find the strength they needed to endure the loss. I prayed that my children would somehow survive the aching absence of their beloved grandmother. But I didn’t pray for healing. I didn’t pray for a miracle.
Looking back, I think I was afraid to pray for the miracle because I didn’t want God to disappoint me. I figured if I didn’t ask, if I didn’t allow myself the expectation, the hope, I would avoid the crush of disappointment if it didn’t turn out as I so desperately wished. Ironically, I didn’t have faith that my faith could withstand God’s no, so I didn’t even bother to ask. I didn’t allow myself to pray the big, bold prayer because I was afraid my faith would collapse in the absence of a miracle. I kept my distance from God; I held him at arm’s length.
I didn’t allow God to be God.
I wish this story had a happy ending. I wish I could tell you I learned my lesson and that my faith is now rock-solid, unwavering, complete. But I can’t, because it’s not. In many ways I am still Zechariah, my voice hesitant and skeptical, my prayers strained with disbelief. Doubt still unfurls its tenacious tentacles, squeezing into the cracks, lodging itself firmly in my faith. More often than not, my prayer is still, “Lord, I do believe, but help my overcome my unbelief.” (Mark 9:23-25)
Questions for Reflection:
Have you ever held back in your prayers, unwilling to pray bold and big? What do you think was your reason for doing that? Do you think doubt and faith can co-exist?
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Michelle, I got goosebumps (God-bumps) reading this. Over the last two weeks, I’ve been repeating this very verse from Matthew to myself. I do think doubt and faith can coexist, but that God is pulling us forward, closer and closer to Him, so that we will one day, in complete trust, run unhesitatingly into His waiting arms. Through your own confession of doubting and being afraid to pray for a miracle, you’ve given me the courage to step out of my comfort zone. Thank you for this beautiful inspiration.
Blessings always!
I am so, so glad for this, Martha. Blessings and peace, friend.
Wow. I could write a book about my doubt and belief (if I were up to writing a book). I struggle. I struggle with what to ask God and then believing He has paid attention to what I’ve asked. I love the story of Zechariah because he got lippy with an angel of God and survived. I get lippy with God sometimes and He puts up with it for some reason. This is beautifully written, Michelle. Thanks for sharing.
Oh yeah, I get lippy, too. God can take it. I love that about him.
Dear Michelle
I feel your apprehension, but I want to go even further along the road of doubt. I think, and feel free to totally disagree, that it is only when we realize that we don’t even have the ability to believe by ourselves that we can honestly come to God, no strings attached, asking for the gift of faith. When we are trusting in our own abilities to believe, we are surely going to fail. Bit this kind of faith is the kind that asks our Pappa to let His name be glorified, whatever He KNOWS best! This is not easy, my friend, but it is the way of faith!
Blessings XX
Mia
I do think you are right, Mia. It’s in the surrendering.
I totally get this, Michelle! Been there…many times…and often still am…
Sometimes, God gives me a clear vision of His will in a given situation, and I am able to confidently pray in accordance with what I know is His will. So many other times, though, I feel a bit lost, unsure of what His will is for a given situation…having faith that God knows best, but lacking faith that I have any comprehension of His plan in the given situation.
It is comforting to me to know that even faith is a gift from God. The disciples asked for us, “Lord, increase our faith.” I pray often too, and my attempts are mustard-sized, the faith of a child. Every time God answers despite my miniscule faith, it grows just a little, along with my trust in him and his goodness. I’m thankful that he is patient, although I sting sometimes from his rebuke of the disciples, which is often mine as well, “Oh you of little faith. Do you not remember. . . ?”
This was my life for years…”I didn’t have faith that my faith could withstand God’s no, so I didn’t even bother to ask. I didn’t allow myself to pray the big, bold prayer because I was afraid my faith would collapse in the absence of a miracle.”
I had to learn to have the faith to ask or even believe for a miracle. It took a long time. I don’t doubt his ability to perform miracles and I do ask for them. I guess what I’ve learned is to trust and rest in his sovereignty. My faith is strong enough to handle the ” no’s “. Now. Doubt and faith can co-exist. He knows all about our doubt and instructs us to believe Him in spite of it. I loved this post and spent my entire pregnancy walking through the first chapter of Luke. Happy Monday Michelle!
Oh Michelle, have I ever done this! Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m afraid to pray big prayers because I’m afraid He won’t answer or because I’m afraid He will answer! But doubt creeps in so easily. Thanks for sharing your story and encouraging us all to pray big and believe!
Michelle – Just two minutes ago , I wrote Matthew 18:19-20 to a friend as encouragement for us to pray a big prayer in a particular situation in her life. Sure doubt creeps in every time I put myself (or my faith maybe) out there on a limb. And I know that. The thing I am learning as I continue on my journey with God is that at times, He has & does & will answer those big prayers. And at times, He has not & does not & will not answer those big prayers. For He truly does know best. But if I am going to err, I want to err on the side of praying big. I am getting too old, lol, and do not want to miss out on what He has for me. I don’t want to stand before Him & know that there was more. And so this morning, I thank you for the reminder to pray for Him to help my unbelief so that I do pray big in the days ahead. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for sharing this today.
For the record, I do thing doubt and faith can co-exist. It certainly did for Zechariah and others in the Bible. I do think real faith always involves a wrestling with God over the big things of life.
Six years ago, my husband’s older brother was diagnosed with pancreatic/liver cancer. “Bob” was a believer and lived a good, pure life–no alcohol, smoking, drugs, etc. Within 6 months of his diagnosis, he was gone. A man who had barely ever been sick a day in his life! My husband prayed and prayed, every day, that God would intervene with a miracle. I, on the other hand, knew this diagnosis was a death sentence, so I prayed similarly to you, Michelle, while still hanging on to a thread of hope that God would heal him, because I knew only God could. My poor husband fell into a deep depression for close to 2 years after Bob’s passing. He really believed God would step in and deliver his brother. He was so sad, and so miserable for all those long months, often saying that he could not understand why? God would take his brother, especially when he believed so deeply that God would heal and restore. To a certain degree, he is still wrestling with God over that.
Now, we’ve been facing our son and daughter-in-law’s long, drawn-out process of adopting a beautiful baby girl. She is 10 months old and they’ve had her since she was a mere 8 days old. What joy she brings to our family! We pray every single day, in the great hope that God will allow her to stay with us. But we have no idea whether He will, or not. I’m trying, desperately at times, to gently remind my husband that God is God and His will will be done. Will we be like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who, even while facing the fiery furnace, said, “Even IF God does not deliver us from the fiery furnace, yet will we trust Him!” Yet will we honour Him? Yet will we continue to love Him? It’s really hard sometimes to hold on to hope, and be level-headed and realistic at the same time. I fear what will happen inside my husband if God should decide to return our only granbaby to her very young and troubled birth mother. My husband loves her fiercely. SO fiercely that it scares me sometimes. His heart will be broken, crushed. And depression again? A very real and dangerous possibility.
Oh Jillie, my heart breaks for your husband. To have such rock-solid faith and to have had that faith shaken to its core – that is so very hard. I do believe, despite his suffering and depression following his beloved brother’s death, that your husband’s faith will be strengthened in the end, but it takes time, sometimes a lifetime of time. God knows what he is doing all the time, even in this, and even though my faith wavers, I do believe that he turns all things toward good.
Sending love, dear friend.
Thank you, my friend. You’ve made me cry with your compassionate words.
I wrestle a lot about one thing or another. Doubting about some aspect of God or faith or whatnot – I think they have to coexist, but that God is always pushing our doubts out of the way. I do love what Mia commented and your prayer at the end that it is God who helps us in our unbelief. I often think of belief as the thing that we are responsible to bring to the table on our own, but I love knowing that He helps us even in that.
Do I hold back in praying? Yes, sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t even know it. God’s been calling me to pray bigger, bolder, and more earnestly. Thank you for reminding me of Zechariah, of the grace and mercy shown him, and the fact that he got another chance to get belief right.
I get this Michelle! It’s so hard to hope and trust in expectation, while knowing God’s ways are not our ways. (Meaning, I may not get what I desperately want.)
Mark 9:24 has become a new favorite verse of mine…
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Laura (and Michelle),
In Mark 9:24 is my oft repeated prayer!!
You heart speaks directly into my life right now. The battle between my frail faith and faint heart is a daily, sometimes hourly one in my current crisis. It’s been two weeks since I dared, in desperation, to pray that God would save this baby girl in my womb, in the face of improbability. It’s been two weeks since He did. And now we have 19 more to go before she’s due to arrive. I battle between awe and gratitude at every miracle I’ve seen so far, and crippling fear that she will slip away and my soul will be crushed in the disappointment. It’s so reassuring to know it’s not just me who struggles in this way. Sometimes I think the reason there are characters of such doubt in the Bible is that God just gets us. He gets the human condition. Our empathetic high priest, He knows our struggle. He’s ready for it. But He also wants us to actively choose faith over fear, doubt and unbelief, choosing to rest in the knowledge of His sovereignty. Some days we will win. Some days we will not. But as we are striving to be closer to Him, He will hold us close regardless.
Thank you again, for your words.
Oh, Michelle. I SOO feel ya, sister. If I am being totally honest with myself, sometimes I pray for a miracle with my head or mouth– but in my heart, I doubt that it will come true. Fortunately, we worship a God of endless grace and He always forgives my doubt when I come to His throne on my knees.
Thanks for this great post and wonderful link up. I enjoy it! Blessings, sister!
Well, I often pray loud, big, bold – sort of yelling at God from down here. I always doubt that He will hear me. I need a sign always. I can’t take the feeling of turning over control to anyone. I want to know, I want it now, but I fear and doubt. If only I could rule the world.
Please pray with me for my latest episode of petition, doubt and plain old lack of faith. My daughter is having a medical test right now. It should be ok, but you see I can’t control it and I want God to take over but I can’t hear His voice. Please pray for my daughter Lisa.
Michelle,
I was just talking to God this morning about my “unsteadiness,” the way I get those moments of doubt. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was reading about John the Baptist’s big moment of doubt (and maybe despair?) I also recognized David’s doubt in the Psalms where he kept repeating things like, “Why are you downcast, oh my soul…? Hope in God…” as well as Moses’ doubts and Job’s doubts… and on and on. But it still bothered me. I wanted perfect faith, without any wavering, any doubt, just automatically.
It seems to me now that doubt is a necessary part of faith growth. Jesus said if we had faith like a mustard seed we’d make it. A mustard seed is something you plant, and it grows, from tiny to huge. Real faith is tried faith, where dross of doubt gets poured off, and if doubt was part of the picture for such giants of faith (as mentioned above) to grow in their walk with God, well, I guess it’s bound to be part of it for little people like me. Thank you for furthering and deepening my reflections on this subject, and God bless your faith, and doubts!
OK, there might be miracles – doubting Thomasina that I am. All ok with my daughter. A clerical error from the Dr.’s office made this all seem much more urgent than it was. Just a regular annual test, not an urgent one that they felt was disregarded by my girl. This is my kind of result. Thank you all and thank you, Jesus.
Thanking God for your daughter’s health, Marg (Tomasina — I like that!)!
I pray that prayer from Matthew 9 at least once a day… 🙂