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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

August 29, 2014 By Michelle

When You Don’t Fit the Stereotype {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

I love, love, love this story by Amanda Holland (that’s three loves, people!), because she so honestly and eloquently gets at the heart of what God wants us to know about his love for us. Come alongside and laugh a little bit with Amanda as shares some of her struggles with being a pastor’s wife. And then be sure to stop by her place to say hi. Welcome, Amanda!

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Introvert. Painfully shy. Bookworm. Dreamer. Pastor’s wife?

God has a sense of humor. Fifteen years ago, I was a college sophomore, English lit major and vegetarian when I fell in love with a pastor who spent his spare time deer hunting. I was the girl who planned to get her master’s degree and date at least a year before getting engaged. Instead, I dropped out of college after my sophomore year when that pastor proposed to me after only three weeks of dating. I’m pretty sure God was laughing the whole time.

I knew my life was about to change, so I tried to prepare. During our engagement, I got to know the members of the church Robby pastored. We went to premarital counseling, including a session with a minister who focused specifically on the stresses of being a pastor’s wife. But no amount of counseling could prepare me for being thrust into the spotlight when our honeymoon was over and my new life began. It didn’t take long for my confidence to shatter.

I’m not your “stereotypical” pastor’s wife. I don’t sing…at least not in public. I don’t play piano, or any other instrument. I’m not comfortable in large groups. I don’t like public speaking, unless I’m talking to children. Being a pastor’s wife was taking me way out of my comfort zone.

One night, as the service in our small country church ended, Robby did the unthinkable – he asked me to close the service in prayer. I panicked. As I fumbled around for words, only one sentence came through loud and clear: “I’ll pass.” I think our congregation got a good laugh out of it, but I couldn’t tell for sure over my heart pounding.

That moment highlighted a struggle that lasted months. I felt so inadequate as a pastor’s wife. I grew up in church. I asked Jesus into my heart at five years old. I loved Him – but I felt like a failure. I couldn’t live up to the expectations others had for me. Other people were so comfortable praying or teaching or being in the limelight. I fumbled over my words and wanted to go hide somewhere. I was a misfit.

It took some time, but God began to show me that I didn’t have to live up to any stereotypes. He didn’t call me to change and be like someone else – He called me to embrace my own gifts and live out the passions He gave me, like children’s ministry and writing.  (And my husband learned not to call on me to pray during service. Ever.)

The best part is, God doesn’t quit working. The past few years have brought massive changes – earning my degree (thirteen years after dropping out of college), pursuing writing, and an ever growing passion for children’s ministry. He is showing me how to honor Him by being uniquely who He created me to be.

I’m not a misfit—I’m His.

AmandaHollandAmanda Holland is a pastor’s wife, mom of two boys and a Yorkie, and registered dental hygienist.  She writes fiction and blogs at Grace In Our Moments (graceinourmoments.blogspot.com). Her writing has appeared in Splickety magazine, Splickety Love, and on various websites, including The MOB Society and Inspired to Action.

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

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She's a Renegade {or The Years I Found My Own Walk with God -- I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}
The Misfit Religion {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: Amanda Holland, I am a Spiritual Misfit Series

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a Triple Type A, “make it happen” (my dad’s favorite mantra) striver and achiever (I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, which tells you everything you need to know), but these days my striving looks more like sitting in silence on a park bench, my dog at my feet, as I slowly learn to let go of the false selves that have formed my identity for decades and lean toward uncovering who God created me to be.

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