A few years ago I stumbled on a blog called An Inch of Gray and was instantly smitten with the writing and the writer. Anna See, as she called herself then, was laugh-out-loud funny one moment, poignant and reflective the next. I couldn’t get enough of her writing.
Plus I liked her. A lot. I wanted to be real-life friends with her. I felt like we’d do well as friends. We’d laugh a lot, I imagined, and complain about our husbands’ bafoonery from time to time and maybe toss out the occasional curse word.
And then one day I clicked over to An Inch of Gray and read a devastating announcement. Anna’s twelve-year-old son, Jack, had been killed in a freak accident. Her little boy was gone forever, and Anna and her family were left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. I still remember staring at the photograph of Jack’s face on my computer screen, my brain unable to process what I was reading.
Honestly, I don’t exactly know why I kept returning to Anna’s blog after that. Her posts in the days and weeks and months following Jack’s death were almost too painful to read. And yet, I couldn’t help myself. I liked Anna. I loved Anna. I wanted to “be there,” as silly and ridiculous as that sounds.
I noticed something, too. In spite of the almost-palpable pain in her posts, there was something else in Anna’s words, something that awed me. Her faith and hope were still there.
Yeah, they’d been beaten and bruised. No, they didn’t look nearly the same. But Anna’s faith and hope were there, shining like a beacon for the rest of us, comforting us, steadying us — even those of us who had never even met Jack in person and yet still grieved the loss of him.
Anna Whiston Donaldson has written a book — a beautiful, real, raw, hope-filled, faith-filled book about being Jack’s mom, about losing him too soon and about putting the pieces of life back together with her husband and daughter, as best they can. Not only is Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love
Yes, it’s tough. Yes, you’ll cry. But it’s worth it; it’s well, well worth it.
Anna was so gracious to answer a few of my questions about grief, hope and the process of writing Rare Bird. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to welcome her to the blog today:
Anna, one of the themes that runs through Rare Bird is the idea that God is much different, much bigger, than the box we often put him in. How has your experience of Jack’s death and your subsequent grief informed or perhaps transformed your understanding of God?
Anna: Well, I know that GOD hasn’t changed, but I have. I have begun to let go of a need to understand absolutely everything about Him and instead let His majesty and mystery stand. I’ve gone from someone who got pretty caught up in church and less caught up in God, to believing that when we get to Heaven, a lot of what we put our focus on as Christians—denominational concerns, worship styles, etc will fall away as chaff to the ground. I’d love to start living this way now.
Talk to us about writing Rare Bird – I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been. Did the process of writing the book impact your grieving process?
Anna: Well, I started writing Rare Bird right after the one year “crapiversary” of losing our son. In many ways, I was sorting through and grieving in real time as I wrote. I did not know how the book would “end,” but I figured it wouldn’t be all tied up with a neat bow. I found writing Rare Bird to be immensely helpful to me by getting my feelings down, and I hope that will be helpful to readers, either who are grieving themselves, or who better want to understand what early grief is like. I also think it will be a good read for any person who finds him/herself living a life far removed from the one he/she “signed up for.”
As for the writing process, the book really bubbled up inside me as I sat at a Panera restaurant at my laptop. First I had to figure out what the book wasn’t (my whole life story, a how-to book, etc) and eventually I discovered what it was.
You frequently infuse a wry, sometimes sarcastic sense of humor in your writing, especially in your blog posts. Do you use humor purposefully, as a kind of literary device, or is humor more of an organic product of the writing process for you?
Anna: Humor just flows out of me– it’s never a conscious choice. My family doesn’t think I’m very funny at all, so I’m glad you have seen at least a little humor come through on the blog. Okay, I take that back, my sister thinks I’m HILARIOUS!
As a person who has struggled with doubt and often doesn’t always fully trust God, I have to ask: where does your deep trust in God come from? And do you think that kind of trust can be found or learned, or is it simply an innate part of who you are
Anna: I’ve made a conscious choice to trust God. But that doesn’t mean I’m not mad and super disappointed in the way things are turning out. This is NOT the life or legacy I wanted for my son, even though many positives have come out of his short life. I am not sure where this trust comes from. And it doesn’t exist in an absence of doubt. I still doubt. But I’m choosing to trust that God has a better plan. My alternative choice is more alienating and lonely; it’s bitter and angry and closed, so I choose to trust.
A little bit of a lighter question: Tell us about your writing habits. Do you write every day? What’s your writing routine? Where do you find inspiration? What’s one piece of advice you might offer other writers?
Anna: I jot ideas down on scraps of paper when I’m out and about. When I started blogging, I wrote almost every day. I am fairly undisciplined now that the book is finished, and I’d like to get back into the habit of writing daily before I lose my confidence! One piece of advice, which I don’t follow, is JUST WRITE.
And finally, what is Jack’s legacy? And what do you hope yours will be?
Anna: Jack has a way of getting into people’s hearts, even those who have never met him. He was a genuine person, without guile or selfishness. I think his legacy is that people will turn to God in times of trouble, and cherish their families even more, because they realize how much our family has lost in losing him. I think they might consider more of God’s marvelous, mysterious ways because of Jack. It seems that Jack and I were somehow partners in writing Rare Bird. And any good that comes out of the book belongs to him. I hope my legacy will be that I used a gift God gave me to bring Him glory. That said, of course I’d rather have both of my children with me on earth, than any kind of legacy, and I know God gets that, too!
Rare Bird officially releases tomorrow, but I am so glad to be able to offer a copy of Anna’s memoir here on the blog today. To enter the random drawing, please follow the instructions on the “Rafflecopter” entry form below. [Email subscribers: please click here and scroll to the bottom of the post to enter the giveaway]
From the back cover:
With this unforgettable account of a family’s love and longing, Anna will draw you deeper into a divine goodness that keeps us—beyond all earthly circumstances—safe.
This is a book about facing impossible circumstances and wanting to turn back the clock. It is about the flicker of hope in realizing that in times of heartbreak, God is closer than your own skin. It is about discovering that you’re braver than you think.
“A masterpiece of hope, love, and the resilience and ferocity of the human spirit.”
— From the foreword by Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Carry On, Warrior
“Profound, tender, honest—and utterly unforgettable.”
— Gretchen Rubin, author of #1 New York Times bestseller, The Happiness Project
“This is not a book; it is a kaleidoscope. With every turn of the page, a new discovery is made that forever alters your view of pain, joy, heartache, time, hope, and healing.”
— Rachel Macy Stafford, New York Times best-selling author of Hands Free Mama
What a powerful and honest statement of faith in the midst of what can on be described as an incredibly dark night of the soul! Have walked with a few families through this valley through the years. Thank you for sharing this personal journey, Anna… That others might find comfort…
Love your interview, Anna!
Wonderful words, Michelle.
it’s refreshing to hear that you too, become friends with people you’ve not met, Michelle.
Thank God for fellow pilgrims with whom we connect in spirit, if not yet in person! We meet in sprit and through print; and because of the unconditional love of God our shared deep experiences of loss and pain unite us under his gracious eye. Thanks for the small sliver I’ve read of this encouraging, moving painful story. With much love from a fellow pilgrim, on a different continent.
I absolutely love the way you put this, Sue. Thank you, friend (whom I’ve never met in person!).
I can’t imagine the pain that the loss of a child invokes! We came very close to losing a daughter to the hell on earth that is meth. I know the feeling of actual pain in my heart when we left her in the hospital the first time! I can’t imagine what it would have been like to leave her in a grave! Anna, you have my deepest respect for having clung to your faith throughout the loss of your son. I know that is the only way I could handle the journey with our daughter back to recovery! Praise God for His strength! I look forward to reading your book!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story, Kathy – I didn’t know that about your journey with your daughter from meth addiction to recovery. Praising God for her recovery and your strength throughout that harrowing ordeal!
One of my good friends lost a son way too early too. I’d like to purchase this one for her to read. Thanks for the introduction.
I’m glad Anna’s FB link led me here. Lovely interview with questions I hadn’t yet seen posed to Anna. Thanks for a job well done.
You are very welcome – thanks for stopping by today, Lisa.
Like you, I too started reading Ann’s blog before the accident. And also like you, I was speechless and in a state of shock when I read the post about losing Jack. As a person whose been through two bone marrow transplants for two different stage 3 cancers, I’ve had my faith tested and retested. Our God wastes nothing!! Our pain, suffering, misery, trials and challenges are all valuable. I so look forward to reading Ann’s book and would love to win your copy. So happy to have found your blog through Ann’s FB post.
I can’t imagine the pain. Thanks for sharing your heart and this giveaway.
This sounds like an amazing read but, I’ll admit, I’m a little bit afraid to read it. I’m pretty danged sure it’s just going to wreck me.
And this line: “I also think it will be a good read for any person who finds him/herself living a life far removed from the one he/she “signed up for.”
Yep. Pretty much.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s a tough read, Nancy. But just know that God’s love and hope shine through, even in the dark parts of her story. It really is a story of hope and love.
I have been following an Inch of Gray for awhile. I would love to read her book and share it with my cousin who lost a son
Oh Anna – I am so sorry for your loss. Yesterday was 7 years for us and the loss of our son. It never gets easier, and the trouble never ceases to show up. Yet God, who is rich in mercy, is always there. Gently, patiently with us. You encourage me to write through the pain of our story, something God has had on my heart for years, yet I have not written a word. If you can do it, so can I. Thank you Anna. You are a blessing. I am so glad Michelle invited you here today. May God bless the work of your hands and the words of your heart. <3
I knew this would resonated deeply with you, Kelly. Blessings and peace, friend.
There are things I have grieved in the past, but the grief subsided after awhile in a noticeable way. Since my mother (daily companion, friend, anchor) died, it has seemed that grief is just going to be a part of me that I should get used to. So I read about how other people grieve in hopes that it might help me just a little to find a way to situate grief inside with all of the other pieces that are me. It’s an uneasy process, so I appreciate company on the journey. Thank you, Michelle, for bringing me to this today.
This sounds like a hard but necessary read. Thank you, Anna, for writing through the heartache, and Michelle, for hosting this giveaway.
Also, for anyone who has experienced grief, this is for you:
http://katemotaung.com/2013/07/13/a-open-letter-to-grief/
I have lived a piece of what A.W. Tozer means when he says ““It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” I have not lost a child so in no way know that kind of pain. But, like so many, I have known the pain of sudden loss and know what it’s like to ask “why?” More than that, though, I KNOW the goodness of God through our deepest sorrows. He is faithful. I would love to read this because I love celebrating this with others who have experienced the blessing of God through the hardest seasons of life… at the end of it all, there is hope.
Amen, Becca, amen.
Michelle, I honestly am embarrassed to enter to win this free book. My grief is not for a child. But grief is grief, and though it presents differently, we all go through the long period of healing from our loss. So, if I should be chosen by you to win this book, I promise that I will read it, then pass it on to a Mother who lost a child.
Just today, God, in answering my questions about grief, loss, mourning….took me to Matt.2: 12-13, then verse 18. Here is the record of Herod deciding to murder all little male children under age 2, sending his mercenaries into the town before dawn, ripping the children from the Mother’s breasts, or cradles, and before their eyes, murdering the little boys. Evil! We still see this happening today in the Middle East, to those who hate Christians. We cannot wrap our minds around this in a culture where we adore our children. Why? Jealous Evil! but, read carefully verse 18…”A voice was heard in Rama, lamentation and great mourning, Rachel bewailing her children”. What do we need to see here? One, there was a ‘voice’. We do not know if it was collective as to the whole village beginning to wail at once, but I kinda think it was. Two, the ‘voice’ was ‘heard’. Yes, God listens, He hears! Three, ‘lamentation and mourning’. God knows mourning. He also in Matthew says Blessed are they who mourn> this is where I will leave it. I pray this book will bless many people, Mothers, especially. Grief is messy, hard, painful, misunderstood, but on the other side, is beautiful, is heard, is listened to, is understood….and a Blessing is given to those who do mourn.
Your Friend Too,
Bonnie in Bama
You are so right, Bonnie – grief is grief, and you have NO reason at all to be embarrassed about entering this drawing. Anna’s story will comfort you. And even though the loss of a dear husband is different than the loss of a precious child, God uses all stories and all avenues to offer hope, comfort and healing.
As you so rightly say, God knows mourning. Among the most powerful verses in the Bible for me are those two words, “Jesus wept.”
Sending you love, Bonnie.
I cannot even imagine such a test of faith. And I am so inspired by Anna’s *choice* – to choose faith even when feelings scream to let go of it. I was reminded of Peter’s response to Jesus, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.” At the end of the day, He is all there is. Anna has already touched my heart, and Jack too, with their fire-tested hope in a God who never leaves us alone. I liked how she said that she has decided to “let His majesty and mystery stand.” So hard to do, but it is the only way to let go and receive His peace.
GOD BLESS!
I haven’t lost a child or even a parent (yet), but I think reading about how others manage pain and loss puts your own life into perspective. It also hopefully prepares you for when life hits you with something you don’t think you can handle. I’d love to read about her experiences.
I will read Anna’s book. I too have experienced significant grief during an 18 month period where my family lost my sister, her husband and my dad. So much pain. But God provided strength through it all and now several years later, I find that I have to reach out for new hope and new strength.
Oh Donna, this is SO rough – too much loss in too short a period. We lost my mother-in-law and my father-in-law within 18 months, so I know at least a little bit of what that kind of grieving period is like. And you are so right. Grief changes over time. It doesn’t entirely go away, and we do need to reach out again and again for hope and comfort. God sustains us through every period, even when we are asking why? why? why?
Anna’s words has touched my heart; after reading your post Michelle, I got onto Anna’s blog “An Inch of Grey”and read “Three Years Today….” If I could reach across this screen and the thousands of miles between us and give you a hug, I would Anna. I look forward to reading ‘Rare Birds;’ I’ll be weeping over the pages. I’m sure your words will encourage and comfort all of us who have experienced loss and grief in various forms, and point us to Jesus who will one day make everything, this world, us new, and who will one day wipe away every tear from our eyes. Bless you sisters!
What a terrific interview/article, Michelle. I’ll throw my name in the hopper, but like Nancy, I have a hunch reading this will definitely wreck me. Thanks for the link to her blog, too.
Losing a child at any age is tough. I lost my daughter at age 32. Talking with others who have gone through a similar event is comforting
I found An Inch of Grey through a wormhole of blogrolls and I could not stop reading. I continued reading to understand how to help myself through grief. Anna has a way of teaching me how to gracefully continue to trust God even when I don’t like the path I am on. To trust that He is there. Most days I need a bit of help with that. For the last 2 years I have been dealing with a Demon Disease, one that is hiding from diagnosis, but seems to take a bit more of the life I thought I was going to have, daily. I commend Anna for sharing her journey, it is sure helping me through mine.
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