I think one of the hardest parts about being a writer, and specifically a memoirist, is that it’s often challenging to know where to draw the line, how much to tell, how much of myself and my private life to reveal. You’ll notice I don’t write much about my husband here, and that’s intentional. Brad is a more private person than I am, and so I try to respect that by not blabbing about his every little thing on the World Wide Web. I also write less frequently about my kids these days. Noah is in middle school – enough said, right?
But I’ve also intentionally chosen not to write about certain topics. Sometimes I avoid writing about these topics because they are controversial, and I like controversy about as much as I like flossing my teeth, which is to say, not at all.
On the other hand, sometimes I don’t write about certain topics because I’m afraid you won’t like me, or will be disappointed in me, or will see me differently or less-than. I’m a people-pleaser at heart; I don’t like to ruffle feathers or disappoint.
And sometimes I don’t write about certain topics because I’m afraid they don’t fit who I think you think I am. Does that make sense? Take time to read that sentence again, because it’s a bit convoluted.
Part of this disconnect is simply a natural by-product of writing publicly. The truth is, you can’t know every facet of who I am just by reading what I write here twice a week – even if you’ve been reading all five years that I’ve been blogging, and even if you’ve read my memoir. I’m not saying this to be snobbish, but this blog and my memoir, even though they are about me, aren’t me entirely. They don’t fully represent me; they don’t reflect every facet of my personality, who I am inside and out. Part of that is because I have presented myself in a certain way, not to be deceptive, but simply because that’s what happens, even in in-person communication. And part of that is because you have interpreted me and defined me in certain ways according to who you are and what you believe.
All this to say, I might dip my toe into some new topics here in the coming weeks and months. Some of these new topics might come as a surprise – they might not fit your expectations of who you think I am or who you think I should be. You might think they don’t fit with the person I have presented to you these last five years. You might even feel like I have deceived you in some way.
I want to tell you that it’s okay if you feel this way. I want to assure you that it’s part of the process of growing in relationship with one another. Just like you reveal bits and pieces of yourself a little bit at a time when you are forging a new in-person friendship, the same can be said for these slightly strange but-no-less-real online relationships. I would ask that you offer grace and the benefit of the doubt – in the same way you would offer grace and the benefit of the doubt to a friend you know in person.
And I will do the same. I will offer you the opportunity to disagree with me, the grace and space to say, “I’m not too sure about this,” or “I don’t feel the same way,” or “Can you explain why you see it this way.” I will offer you the space for conversation and deeper connection, and even the space to step away, if that’s what you should choose to do, though I hope it won’t be.
I hope, even if we don’t see eye to eye on everything, that we can still walk forward in growing our relationship. Because I have to say, getting to know some of you in a real way has been, hands-down, the biggest blessing of blogging, and a gift I never expected to come out of an online community.
Michelle – you should go where the Spirit leads you. There may well be some things we need to hear that, if said your way, make a connection. We who read you want you to be everything He calls you to, because He is using you to help our faith journey. Blessings as you stretch and grow – and as you help us do the same.
Well that is just beautifully said, Dr. Roush – thank you for that!
Be yourself, dear Michelle, and follow where God is leading you in your writing. There are always those who won’t understand or might be offended, but like you, I would hope and pray that the relationships you have forged through your blog will only become stronger and more personal. I’m looking forward to reading all you have to offer here! Blessings!
Amen – thank you for the encouragement and support, as always, Martha!
Hey Michelle….Bring it on!!! I would love to hear your take on some of the deeper issues. As you may recall, you and I have not always agreed on everything, but in discussing them more privately we have gotten to know one another moreso. And the by-product has been friendship. Real friendship. Deeper friendship. I have felt free to write to you about my own life, especially when I’m troubled over something, and have come to know you as a compassionate and genuinely caring person, full of understanding and grace. Lots of grace. And I am thankful for you, always. So, I look forward to future posts where I will get to know you even better. Keep writing my Friend.
From one “Misfit” to another, jillie
You know what, Jillie? Remembering those conversations and how, though challenging, they ultimately brought us into a real friendship is part of what gave me the courage to start down this road. So thank you. I feel the same way about you, you know- you are incredibly grace-full, authentic and beautiful, my misfitty friend. 🙂
Good Morning Michelle, I am so looking forward to your authentic thoughts in the near future. My thoughts are so confused right now that I am not sure what is authentic and what is not. So often the solution to a problem I come up with is what others would expect me to think not necessarily what I really think. I am very much a people pleaser and as a result I am not sure even how I feel about things.
You are giving me hope that I can start writing my thoughts down and maybe I will be able to remember my authentic self also even though it might surprise some.
It can be really hard, can’t it, to separate our own true, authentic thoughts from how we want others to see us – especially for we people pleasers. So yeah, I hear what you are struggling with, Nancy, and I am right there with you.
It’s liberating to say our own personal truths and the simple act can give permission to others to do the same. How wonderful it can be when we clearly see ourselves and others. Thank you for your grace and honesty and looking forward to the conversations.
Martha, your post a few weeks ago along a similar vein gave me the courage to write this one – so thank you for that.
Authentic writing is hard!
Whether on social media or around town, I want to be authentic, but I also want people to know more of my best and less of my worst…even as I strive to improve.
I don’t intend to be superificial or hypocritical. However, I also don’t want to intentionally act my worst just to prove I can. I try to avoid letting even my closest family see me at my grumpiest…I’d rather go off by myself to pray until I have a better outlook on things.
And controversial topics…yes…like you, I dislike controversy. There are a few topics on which I feel strongly and have sufficient experience and/or study to feel qualified to take a strong position and speak out. And on those topics I do speak out, knowing they are potentially controversial.
However, there are many other topics that I simply keep my opinions to myself. Often I’m not sure, myself, exactly where I stand on some of the more polarizing topics. I’m very aware of my limited experience and study in some areas, and don’t even feel qualified to express a position…or at least not an authoritative position.
I’ll say this, though. Some of your recent posts have caused me to ponder whether it might be worthwhile for me to post on some topics, just to try to express and explain my own lack of position…to express my respect for both polarizing perspectives while rejecting both extremes…yet not being sure exactly where I do stand. Would my expressing such a soft position help someone else rethink their polarizing position?
I’m not sure…
Blessings to you, Michelle! You have my deep respect.
I think it’s brave and so powerful that you are willing to be who you are before Him, before us, and even make the effort to set aside what you think, we think. That’s not an easy effort, but a purposeful choice. This people pleaser feels your pain! Ultimately you serve an Audience of One and if He okays your words, then that’s all that matters. Our job as your readers is to make sure He would okay our response. Wasn’t it Dr. Seuss who said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Looking forward to reading more and receiving it all with grace!
Thank you, Michelle. I am looking forward to whatever comes, my friend. And I sometimes wish I could be a bit more direct on my blog, but there are constraints that come with ordination and with family. I am so grateful for you!
Looking forward very much to hearing your thoughts in the coming weeks!
Michelle, God has so gifted you as a writer, but also as an authentic one. I love that you wear your heart on paper so to speak for everyone to see. Granted, I totally get your need at times to respect privacy, but you tackle topics that are sometimes difficult. I also have always appreciated that you welcome everyone at your table to comment authentically as well. When one opens a comment box that should be the case, but not always is. And that said, there should be respect shown in the dialogue. Boy that is a lot of *shoulds* huh? Don’t mean to sound dictatorial! I hope you detect my spirit.
I would also say that a dear friend of mine, and I love that we can dialogue about deep topics (theological and otherwise) about which we cannot always agree. But we listen. We are iron sharpening iron, as Scripture says, and we always come away deeper and richer for it. Our love for each other always transcends our differences, and we also realize how much we learn from exploring them.
May the Lord guide your writing and bless you always.
Lynn
Loved this. I have found myself worried about putting some of my thoughts “out there.” Not in a privacy way but more fear of opening myself of to criticism.
Love this–risk taking. Relationships can only deepen when we take risks to reveal our true selves..thank you. I don’t like shallow waters, so eager to hear you revealing more truth and depth of who you are!!
Why else write? Thank you!
I love your honesty and think I will enjoy seeing your “new” words. I certainly agree with you how I pick and choose sometime what to say based on my ‘persona” You are brave and I respect that lots!