A couple of months ago I posted a Facebook status update about an especially controversial issue. Within minutes, and throughout the rest of that day, I was lambasted with comments and criticism from people – mainly Christians — who did not agree with my stance. By the end of the day, there were close to 100 comments, most of them negative, many of them caustic, some downright vitriolic.
A few people messaged, emailed, or called me privately to offer encouragement (not necessarily to agree with my opinion on the issue, but simply to let me know they were thinking about me as I stood in the line of fire), and I deeply appreciated that. But for the most part, few chimed in publicly to stand with me in what came to feel, by the end of the day, like a deeply personal attack.
That day was a lonely one for me. Most of my closest friends in my online community, the people I know and love and who I know love me, were largely silent. I know they were there, listening and watching that ugly “conversation” unfold on Facebook, but most of them said nothing. They had their reasons; and those reasons were good, sensible, respectable, rational reasons. I certainly don’t blame my peers for not leaping into such a divisive public exchange. Had I been in their shoes, I suspect I would have made the exact same choice.
Yet at the same time, I felt abandoned and even a little bit betrayed. While I certainly hadn’t expected everyone to agree with me, I had expected they would defend not my stance on the issue necessarily, but me, as their friend and fellow human being. I hadn’t expected to feel so alienated and alone and for that to hurt so much.
I suspect that’s what Paul was feeling when he wrote this at the end of his second letter to Timothy: “The first time I was brought before the judge, no one came with me. Everyone abandoned me.” (2 Timothy 4:16).
In those two simple sentences I hear Paul’s sorrow, loneliness, disappointment and defeat. I hear what I felt that day on Facebook.
Yet in Paul’s next words to Timothy, he says something important: He acknowledges that although he was abandoned by his earthly friends, God stood with him, strengthening him, rescuing him and delivering him “from every evil attack.” (2 Timothy 4:17-18)
Clearly my situation on Facebook was markedly different from Paul’s. At the same time, though, Paul’s words helped me understand that God does not abandon us, even when it looks as though we’ve been abandoned by everyone else.
What’s more, God does not leave us, even when we are wrong. God stands with us, even when we go wildly astray.
God loves us unabashedly, no matter what.
When I feel utterly and completely alone, it helps to remember God’s promise: he is with us, always, even until the end of time. God stands with us, strengthening us in our weakness, rescuing us from defeat, pulling us from the abyss of loneliness.
God is with us always. We are never as alone as we might feel in the moment.
I am an online reader of your blog. I can’t remember whether I commented or not on that controversial piece, but I am here today to stand with you and I’m sorry you felt alone. My husband and I, once active in our church, have not been going for some time due to the way so many Christians act and even think. We’ve tried a couple of churches but sadly come home wondering if we will ever find one again, especially here in the South. In any case, you were brave to speak your truth and I’m sorry if more did not come to your defense. You’re a gifted writer, a woman of God, an honest speaker of your truth. There are many who value you, but God most of all.
Thank you so much, Laura – I appreciate your comment so much and am so sorry that you and your husband have felt so alienated by and isolated in the church. I pray that you find a church home that actually feels like home.
And just to clarify…although I did post about same-sex marriage here, it was actually a conversation preceding that post on FB that felt so terrible. I think because FB is such a public space, and I knew people were watching/listening to it all unfold. But I don’t want you and other readers to feel like if you did or didn’t comment that you are to blame for my feelings of isolation. That’s not it at all – no guilt, please! 🙂 It was actually a good lesson for me (a person who typically avoids controversy with a ten-foot pole!) to remember that I can stand with a person even when I don’t necessarily agree with her viewpoint.
My heart hurts for you reading this, and I can tell you, without reservation, that I understand your painful feelings of abandonment, because I’m a supportive, affirming mom to my gay son.
I won’t go into all the ways that former Christian friends have dropped me like a hot cast-iron skillet, but I will say that it has created feelings of hellish abandonment.
If anything, it’s given me a hint of the experience that my son and other LGBT people have faced for years and continue to face today. Compassion = your pain in my heart. I get it. Experientially, I get it. I needed to get it, and those who shun and shame people like you, like me, and like my son need to get it. They aren’t there yet, and maybe God will allow them to get there before their days here are up. Until that time, we keep putting one vulnerable foot in front of the other and loving the “other.”
Your blog has become one of my new favorites. Thank you for sharing your heart. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in your pain.
Grace and Peace.
And thank you too, Survivor Girl for sharing with us. Hate is not a Christian value.
Thank you, SurvivorGirl, for your honest comment and for sharing a bit of your own story here. I am so sorry that you have been dropped like a “hot cast-iron skillet” (great image, by the way), by some of your Christian friends. One of the good things that has come out of this hard conversation and being on different “sides” of a tough issue are those times in which someone who doesn’t necessarily agree politically or theologically with me, but still stays, “I am willing to work through this with you, to not let this wall become so tall between us that we can’t see over it.” That takes a lot of work, and a lot of vulnerability, but it’s such a beautiful example of Jesus’s love. Peace to you, friend, as you walk this difficult journey. (and thank you).
Survivor girl I am also the mother of a gay child who I fully Love and support. I am a Mama Dragon (a FB group of Christian women who love and support our LGBT kiddos) It helps so much to have the support and understanding from other mothers on the same journey. are you interested in joining?
It truly hurt my heart to read this… I am talked about more than I am talked to and this has been very evident since my announcement last week.
Thank you, once more, for your raw honesty, dear sister and thank you for speaking such bold and caring words as you did a few weeks ago on behalf of our LGBTQ family and allies…
That is a really astute way to put it, Michael: “talked ABOUT more than talked TO.” Yeah. That hurts. But like I said in a comment above, it was also a good lesson for me to remember that even if I don’t agree with someone’s viewpoint doesn’t mean I can’t reach out to them in love and stand with them in a difficult situation.
I was with you in spirit and totally agree with your stance. I am sorry that I did not comment at the time. I too have been attacked on facebook for the same beliefs and even by my family. Hang tough. We like minded people are here.
I was a part of the discussion, Michelle. I saw disagreement with your position and explanations why, but I don’t remember caustic attacks. My experience with some is that there is a tendency to feel attacked merely by dissent or disagreement. That involves our emotions more than our intellect or knowledge. The issue is highly volatile. I’m sorry if you felt betrayed, abandoned, or attacked. I have friends who are on the other side of issues. I have experienced that simply explaining my understanding of Scripture or why I am in favor or against something, the reactions can be very strong. I sometimes feel very alone. But I never feel abandoned by the One Who counts the most, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We all wish to be accepted and loved. But we must separate those needs from issues that are very debatable, especially debatable from understanding of God’s will in various areas of life. I hope this is helpful. President Nixon said it well that his head must always rule his heart. That was in response to what he allowed to happen that resulted in seriously wrong choices. The prophet Jeremiah warns us that “The heart is deceitful above all things . . .” In other words, our heart and our emotions don’t always communicate the truth or reality to us.
Just to clarify, Helen, it was more in a discussion that took place on Facebook, not the one here as a result of my blog post. FB feels so public (well, it IS public!), and while I knew I was taking a risk in making a controversial statement, I didn’t expect to feel so alone in it. And honestly, I expected the attack (and that particular “discussion” did get pretty heated), but what I didn’t expect was that there would be so few voices chiming in to say, hey, knock it off, let’s not get ugly here, or to say, I don’t agree with you on this issue, but I love you and will stand with you here. And yeah, I totally hear how you could feel alone on “the other side” when you voice the hard truth of Scripture, too, Helen. It’s not easy, is it? Thanks for your considerate comment here today.
Michelle, I appreciate that. Yes, some of the discussions and dialogues on FB get ugly. I have experienced being ridiculed for my perspectives and even called a racist when merely attempting to balance some of the information and facts being put forth. The whole sordid tale of slavery, for one, has not been told because it was carried on–both trading and ownership here in the U.S. by both blacks and whites. And then there was the complicity in various African nations themselves. I would like to see the “all” whites and “all” blacks be replaced with “some” whites and “some” blacks Then honest and genuine conversations can take place with less animosity and hate. Too often on FB discussions, people project thoughts on others that have never been alluded to or vocalized. Civility is becoming such a rarity today. Coarseness and even obscenity are in. I’m amazed at the language people allow themselves to write on a public forum. Is there no shame?
Jesus stood up for the outcasts and people condemned by the religious. And of course he was exiled by many of those religious, and then he was tortured. I think you have been incredibly courageous. I saw this quote by Ann Voskamp this week, The exiled make his extravagant love their home. In some ways you were not only abandoned, but exiled — from a particular sector of religion. Thankfully, many other Christians are with you.
Michelle, I’m just now reading your blog and also your exchange with my friend, Helen. When I read what you’ve written here, I presumed that you were talking about the comment exchange on your blog. I don’t recall reading the FB interchange, but my mind is like a sieve, so who knows? And I can’t recall now if I commented on your recent blog about SSM. I know I did two years (or so) ago, when you wrote about your friends’ wedding, and likely, I didn’t feel the need to repeat those sentiments. I think I may have emailed you. Blog comment boxes and FB aren’t ultimately, I believe, a place where really deep dialogue an occur. But I do hope that I, with a differing view from yours, expressed what I felt was truth, but in love. I appreciate your friendship, and I love your writing. And I hope to be an older-woman (did I actually SAY THAT IN PRINT?! GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!) . . . an older-woman cheerleader, encouraging you in your writing, and now, on your Luther project. I hope to encourage you as a person, period. I also hope still never to shy away from what I believe that God says in Scripture. Yet how do we convey that? I think that that is the point of your post. There is NO room for vitriol in the expression of biblical belief or in how we as Christians relate to one another or to those who do not share our faith. When we’re bombastic, we are not behaving Christianly (a word?). If it’s not a word, it should be. May we continually be iron sharpening iron, speaking truth in love. I’m still here, Michelle.
Love
Lynn
It’s all good, Lynn, it’s all good. I was indeed referring to a dialogue (not sure I can call it that!) that transpired on FB, and like you said, social media (and even a blog) is not the best place for that kind of debate. That kind of delicate conversation really is best had face-to-face, preferably with wine and snacks. 🙂 But thank you, friend – in the years I’ve known you now, I’ve always known you to speak only in love, even when it’s hard truth being expressed. I so appreciate your gift with words, your empathy and your compassion, Lynn. You are truly one in a million.
You are very kind, Michelle. And one in a million? Wow, I take that as a huge compliment (though I’m thinking that Michael would describe it differently. He puts up with me, for sure!) Yes, wine, sparkling cider for little old alcoholic me, and cheese (Brie is lovely), and we are set! I still want you to come to my little writing cabin, and I’ll supply your nutritional needs and conversation.)
Love you.
Lynn
I think I abandoned you. I think I sat back and thought: oh, Michelle, Michelle, why did you open that big, ol’ can of worms? Now they’re going to eat you alive. I didn’t love you then like I do now, having met you in person. You were my favorite blogger to meet in person, ever, because you’re the one who surprised me most in all the best ways. I’m sorry I abandoned you. Some of those people were really terrible. Surely they don’t know you in real life or talk to people that way in real life. You’re more liberal than I, but I’m sorry I abandoned you. I was wrong; please forgive me. This post helped me as a person who has real, diagnosed abandonment issues. It reminded me to put my faith in the One who will never leave or forsake.
And seriously, I don’t blame you one bit for sitting back and thinking, “Oh boy,” Brandee – I don’t. I’ve done it more times than I can count. I’ve even done it in person, when a good friend of mine was getting verbally abused and I literally pretended I wasn’t with her – no lie! It was the worst. So no apologies, please. That’s not why I wrote this, honest. I just read that verse, and that experience immediately came to mind – and I realized I wished, when I’d felt so alone and isolated that day, that GOD was still standing with me (even if he didn’t necessarily agree with my stance on the issue!). So it was kind of a relief and an epiphany to realize that, and I wanted to share it with others. But thank you, friend, honestly, thank you for your kindness here. I really do appreciate it. But not necessary, no apologies necessary!!
Oh my word, friends, you are all so sweet, but please, no! I realize this post sounds a little whiny-pants-woe-is-me, but honestly, it was meant to be encouragement, as in, no matter how isolated you feel, you are not alone, God is with you! No apologies, no guilt, no nothing please! You are all so sweet and wonderful, but honestly, no hard feelings, okay? I am dying of the guilt over my whiny-pants post!!!
Yes, I’ve learned (am learning) to largely avoid controversial topics on FaceBook. On my own blog, I have more space to explain my perspective and address feedback as I see fit. On FaceBook, it seems to spiral into a shouting match, pretty quickly.
That said…I likely missed your controversial FaceBook post. If I had seen it, I’m pretty sure I would have attempted to say something encouraging.
I appreciate you, Michelle…appreciate your willingness to struggle with difficult questions…appreciate your willingness to be honest about those struggles.
Blessings to you, my friend!
I Love your vulnerability and honesty but I hurt for you. I want to sit down next to you, have some tea and just listen. I don’t even remember your Facebook post. Which tells me to pay more attention when a friend is honest, sticks up for justice and takes a risk, to stay with them better. Is it compassion fatigue? Ego narrow mindness? Too busy with my own world? Whatever dumb excuse, I am sorry, Michelle
Michelle,
I think I might know the status and the issue, and I honestly cannot remember whether I spoke up or spoke out. What I do know and have learned recently is that it matters how we connect with people. I am coming to appreciate to a far greater extent that being at peace with myself and believing that I am right with God are far more important that being affirmed. I am grateful for the refreshment that comes so often to me from your words, like these….”… God does not abandon us, even when it looks as though we’ve been abandoned by everyone else. What’s more, God does not leave us, even when we are wrong. God stands with us, even when we go wildly astray.”
We need to remember to be like God, whenever possible.
Thank you for your warrior spirit,
Chelle
I do remember that FB post and the firestorm that followed, and I’m sorry that people felt the need to attack you personally. We are called to love one another and that’s not love. I’m also sorry that I didn’t speak up and affirm your right to believe as you feel led, because you most assuredly do have that right.
I don’t agree with you on that original FB post but that doesn’t mean that I will never read your blog again, and it certainly doesn’t mean I would feel justified in unleashing a tirade of hate against you. Just because we don’t think the same way doesn’t mean that we don’t have wisdom to offer one another, you know? I’ve seen PLENTY of things all over FB the last few days (days? Ha! Years, more like.) with which I do not agree and yet I haven’t once spouted off in anger. I don’t have to agree with you to love you. 🙂
Michelle – I loved this,
“What’s more, God does not leave us, even when we are wrong. God stands with us, even when we go wildly astray.
God loves us unabashedly, no matter what.”
These words really stood out for me. I think it’s a wonderful way to pursue Christ – with a heart that realizes we may get some things wrong and God still loves us wildly. I often get caught up in being sure I am right about “all the things”, just like many of us do. It has taken a bit of humbling and desperation to recognize I need a God who is greater and bigger than what I can understand. In this I am learning to love others who think differently and seek God as my source for all truths.
I love getting to know you. I love hearing your heart. And I’d love to have wine & cheese and talk about “all the things”. Friend to friend. Sister to sister.
BTW – I also know the ache of loneliness, even when you know others are there. I wrote about that a few weeks ago.
“He reminds me over and over again that I am not alone, that He sees me and that He desires me to draw near to Him.
Today this ache rises & drops in the caverns of loneliness which sometimes reappear. It’s a reminder that I need Him more and more every day. It’s a reminder to fellowship with others who might feel lonely too.”
May we all take notice that loneliness is felt by those right in our midst. May we take notice of ways we can make a difference. BLESS YOU Michelle.
I have followed you for over a year now without ever commenting. Now I want to thank you for helping to articulate for me my approach to … I guess the most neutral term is same sex marriage. ( I considered & discarded, marriage equality, gay marriage and abomination )
I have often felt uncomfortable in the family of God listening to holier than anybody words about homosexuality. My Jesus came to save the sick and that includes the self righteous as well as the gender non standard
We are never alone in the arms of Jesus. But remember you are most likely never alone in your stand to love without the but. As in love the sinner but hate the sin,
Hey Michelle, thank you so much for posting this article about feeling abandoned. I was scrolling through my emails trying to find something and I saw the title For when you’re feeling abandoned. I opened up your article and it lifted me up, earlier today I left work and sat in my car thinking how unhappy I was here and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me look financially nice but spiritually lonely. So since I’m honestly in my baby steps of writing for The Lord I decided at 12AM tonight I would begin a fast to get clarity and confirmation for my writing. I can’t pinpoint exactly what part of your article hit my heart but it definitely gave me hope and just made me feel better. Thank You God Bless.
Feels like there is so much controversy and polarization in our social conversations these days that is eating like acid through relationships and communities. Sorry you’re feeling it in a personal way.
I thought this post was about snacks and WINE. What, it’s not?????
xoxo
Michelle, I remember that day vividly. You have described how that divisive discussion unfurled. I believe I recall leaving you a message there, and perhaps here, but who knows. All I want to say is if I didn’t, please forgive me for it was my intention to do so. I know the feeling of alienation and abandonment. I’ve met it face-to-face more than once in my 69 years.
For those who don’t know it personally, the feelings you’ve expressed are filled with wonder at what you did wrong, hurt in your heart, pain in your gut, feelings like a sinking ship, and an aloneness you’ve never felt before. BUT, and this is the good part, in the midst of all that, there is one who stands for us, who says “Lean on me. I’ll carry your burden,” and then He does. His name is Jesus. And that’s not all–He shed his precious blood for our sins.
I feel the hurt in your words tonight, and I have looked at this screen through eyes gone fuzzy through tears. My prayer for you tonight is this: Lord, please draw Michelle ever closer to you. She is your faithful daughter and servant. And her statement that night on Facebook were filled with nothing but love and honesty. An honest statement of her own personal feelings. Nothing that should have left her feeling abandoned. But some of us did, and I ask you to touch their hearts tonight with Michelle’s words here. And in so doing create an act of forgiveness among these long-time friends. All is asked in Jesus’ name. Amen and amen.
“Unabashedly.”
I will ponder this word today, and reflect on this aspect of God’s love which had never before occurred to me. Thank you for truth about God in the midst of the untangling.
Supported you that day, Michelle, and always will. Sending much love to you!
Not even sure I saw that FB thread, my life has been so cray-cray of late, but if I missed it and missed supporting you, I am so sorry. NICE thread you’ve got goin’ here, though, right??
Michelle, I am the mother of a gay daughter who is precious and beautiful and perfect in my eyes and in the eyes of God, for HE created her exactly like she is. I want to tell you I am sorry for your hurt and feelings of loneliness that day. I understand because I post on Face book at least once a week something about my support for our LGBT friends/family in my attempt to educate those who are ignorant to the truth about these beautiful souls. Most of the time I get nothing (crickets) from family and church members then later a friend from church pulls me aside and thanks me for standing up for their sister, brother, friend, child. I want to scream “IF YOU ARE SO GRATEFUL THEN COMMENT, LET THE WORLD KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND THAT YOU AGREE WITH ME OUT OF LOVE AND RESPECT FOR YOUR LGBT LOVED ONE” but I don’t because I realize why they don’t comment. They are afraid…afraid of what others might think of them, afraid their church will discipline them, afraid they will be attacked too or that they will loose friendships. But you see I DON’T CARE what anyone thinks. Because I have found that first of all I am not alone…there are hundreds of mama’s who adore and support their LGBT children, second my Love for my daughter and her family FAR out weighs anyone else’s negative judgmental self righteous comment. 3rd I have read and watched everything I can find on the topic and I have been on my knees begging the Lord for understanding and comfort and each time I am told to “JUST LOVE HER”…sweet that is easy, everyone loves her! 4th I have already lost a 43 year friendship and to be honest it was quite freeing giving up the one person who should have been my rock and greatest supporter but instead was my biggest persecutor. All those who feel they are standing on Gods side to judge LGBT and “Love the sinner hate the sin” ask yourself: When did you decide to be heterosexual? How would you feel if you knew you could NEVER EVER NO NOT EVER Love or be Loved by a partner? Would you give up the opportunity to raise, cherish laugh and cry with your children? Stop deciding what you will and will not follow or uphold in the Bible. Before you cast the first stone decide if you are without sin. and last of all know that one of Gods Greatest commandments was to Love Unconditionally Always!!! Michelle I am grateful for those who turned you away due to your controversial blog because it was in their rejection that I found you when my friend said you were needing some Love that day. Please accept my FB friendship and know that I will always support you on FB because silence hurts more than anger sometimes! Hugs!!!