Late last summer I finally admitted to myself that I’d been struggling with low-level depression and discontent for a while, and so, I made the call I’d dreaded making. Honestly, I didn’t want to make an appointment with my counselor because I didn’t want to do the hard work I knew would be inevitable. I didn’t want to dig deep into past hurts, unpack my baggage, sort through the messy detritus of my life.
I’m glad I made the call. Though I was right — it has been hard to sit on the sofa and talk through my junk every other week — it’s been good…and necessary. Slowly my counselor has helped me name my disappointments and failings, my confusion and questions, my hopes and dreams. Slowly she has helped me begin to see that I can be me, even amid the demands and expectations of a book release.
As I wrote to my newsletter subscribers earlier this week, I’m not typically at my best when I am midwifing a book into the world. I worry a lot and try to control things that are beyond my control. The increased time on social media and the increased focus on numbers and outcomes isn’t good for my soul. I struggle to “come down” from the rev of constant interaction and communication. Over time both my body and my brain begin to hum with an agitated restlessness.
Beyond the busyness and hustle, though, releasing a book is also fraught with fear for me — fear that harkens back to the publication of my first book in 2014.
In spite of my best efforts, my first book, a memoir, was not a publishing success. In fact, it sold so few copies, the publishing house’s marketing board turned down my proposal for a second book, a decision based largely on the abysmal sales record for the memoir.
This was a major blow. Not only was I angry, bitter and disappointed, I see now that I was also deeply ashamed. In the aftermath of the book release, all I wanted to do was to hide. I daydreamed about quitting writing and publishing altogether and getting a job at the local greenhouse, surrounding myself with plants and flowers, thrusting my hands into damp dirt all day long.
Instead, I did the only thing I knew to how do at the time: I kicked my hustle into overdrive. I put all my energy into selling the book proposal to another publisher, and when that ultimately failed, I wrote a brand-new proposal for an entirely different book and started the process all over again.
I also focused on managing “my failure” (which, by the way, is like trying to manage outcomes, only infinitely more depressing). “You talk about your book’s supposed ‘failure’ an awful lot,” a friend, himself an author, gently pointed out. “You need to be kinder to yourself.”
I see now that publicly harping on my failure was my way of controlling it. If I acknowledged the failure publicly, if I deemed my book a failure first, I wouldn’t have to suffer the pain of others declaring my book – and me – a failure.
At the time I told myself I was calling a spade a spade. In actuality, I was trying to avoid the very real pain of disappointment, shame and sorrow that accompanies failure. I was trying to convince myself that I was naming, and therefore owning, my failure, but the truth is, I wasn’t naming it. I was shaming myself.
Even more detrimental was the fact that in refusing to acknowledge and process my failure, I refused the opportunity to let it teach me, to learn from it, and to allow it to shape me into a better version of myself. If I had truly looked deeply at my humiliation, shame, pain and sorrow, I would have seen there was a reason for it. I would have seen that my entire identity, my entire sense of self, was wrapped up in that book.
So as you can see, there’s been a lot to unpack with my counselor these last few months. There’s a reason I procrastinated making that initial phone call before finally picking up the phone late last summer. And yet, I know now more than ever that counseling has helped me heal in ways that’s allowed me to grow toward greater wholeness.
As I wrote in True You, the journey to wholeness and healing doesn’t begin with surgery or even with diagnosis. The journey to wholeness begins with admitting you are broken.
The phone call to my counselor was an admission that I was broken and in need of healing. And though it was difficult and often uncomfortable work, making that call and subsequently naming and shedding the shame and fear I’d held in my heart since my first book released in 2014 ultimately made way for a healthier book release this time around.
The truth is, sometimes we resist wholeness because, although it sounds lovely on paper, saying yes to the invitation requires a whole lot of hard work. But while saying yes to the invitation into wholeness is a risk, to be sure, it’s also the entry-point into a transformed life.
True You will be what it will be and go where it will go. I’ve done the work. I will continue to do the work. But I also know that my value as a human being is not defined by this or any other book.
Michelle, I so love your candor and ability to communicate your fears of failure with others. I’ve had to face those same realities about my own books, even though I know in my heart that they are well written and deserve more recognition. If you will recall, I absolutely loved Spiritual Misfit, and as I’ve just finished reading True You, I have to say that you have absolutely outdone yourself with this one. Hoping to have a review on my blog in the next few days. I will let you know!
Blessings to you!
Thank you so much for this, Martha. You have been a faithful reader since the start, and I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate that. It’s also comforting to know I’m not the only one who has struggled with “failure” and the sense of loss and even shame related to a book not doing as well as we had hoped.
Thank you, too, for your lovely feedback about True You, and thanks (in advance) for taking the time to write a review on your blog. I appreciate that so much!
Well said! I too have found counseling (and even more, spiritual direction) to be movement toward shalom every time I have chosen it. It takes such courage to write memoir—it’s so deeply personal. I would think an author would find it challenging to keep sales stats of that type of book, in particular, in perspective.
May God continue to bless your journey into wholeness and peace. Thank you for giving us the gift of hearing about it!
Thank you, Julie – I appreciate your response here so much. And yes, spiritual direction…this is something I’ve been considering for a while now, and I know it would be fruitful. Just figuring out how to get connected with a good director…that’s the challenge!
Yes, that IS a real challenge. The spiritual director I used is listed on this website: https://www.leadershiptransformations.org/selah_find_spiritual_director.htm. It could be that even though this site doesn’t list directors in Nebraska, you may find that one of the directors who meets via Skype is an option for you. (I find it hard to imagine not meeting in person, but I would guess that Skype is a good option for some of us.) Certainly God is working in your life in a multitude of ways, so if a spiritual director doesn’t work out, that’s okay too! 🙂
I’m trying to remember how I found you and then asked to be added to your email list. Whatever the reason, I’m glad to receive them! Touching some places in my soul. Especially the self shaming thing I’ve done over my life. Thank you and thank the Lord for new insights.
I’m so glad you found me too, Priscilla. 🙂 And thank you for this comment and for the kind words about my writing – I appreciate that so much.
I find it really sad that your book was considered a failure to the publishers, (even though I get that their bottom line is obviously sales). Somehow, I just cannot picture God shaking his head and whispering, with his hand over his mouth to the nearest heavenly host, “What a disappointment!” in relation to your memoir. Instead, I see Him leaning in, cheering you, on and encouraging you to keep going…which you have.
I read “Spiritual Misfit” and loved it so much that we read it in our book club. And for what it’s worth, I just recommended it to a friend the other day when she saw “True You” sitting on my coffee table. I loved your honesty and wit in your memoir.
I applaud you Michelle, for having the courage seek wise counsel(ing) and do the work of unpacking your fears and being able to identify the cause of your anxieties and who/where they came from. I believe resting in our identity in Christ is something the enemy is always trying to usurp (just as he did to Christ in the wilderness), and is a life-long journey for us mortals.
I can’t wait for a spare minute to dig into “True You”!
You are the sweetest, Caryn. Thank you for these words; I appreciate and am grateful for every single one of them. And I am grateful for you, too. You are always such a light on the path.
This was so helpful for my soul, and the timing couldn’t be better, Michelle. Thanks for your honesty and candor. I find myself so often finding my worth/identity in numbers, sales, attendance, etc… You nailed it with this line (which is the first step of any recovery ministry worth it’s weight in salt) – “The journey to wholeness begins with admitting you are broken.” Thank you for the reminder of where ALL of my worth is found in Christ.
Thanks for reading the post, Scott – I’m really glad it resonated with you. And I’m really glad our paths have crossed along this crazy, beautiful journey!
Your “Birds on a Wire” (my name for it) book is how this former Catholic found you. I loved that book and recommended it to others. I would have never known it was a failure, I guess I never considered that.
So glad you wrote that first book.
Tina, your words are so sweet – thank you for this. The “Birds on a Wire” book will always hold a special place in my heart, regardless of what the industry or the world says about its “success” or lack thereof. It brings me great joy and peace to know that the book spoke to you – that is more than enough.
This.
This is — like looking in the mirror. I nodded and teared the whole way through this achingly powerful piece, deeply moved by your courage, your vulnerability, your story.
I have felt like an unbearable failure — and I have heartbreakingly failed. And I too — picked up the phone, terrified. And began very tenderly painful, needful work.
It is exactly as you have exquisitely expressed: “… the journey to wholeness and healing doesn’t begin with surgery or even with diagnosis. The journey to wholeness begins with admitting you are broken.” That, Michelle… I am broken…and here I am committed to doing the hard work of breaking open the soil, turning the earth of me over — and praying new life can rise, resurrect, from these broken places.
I have loved you from the first moment I met you, Michelle DeRusha — and that love only grows deeper. I have only known you to write words rooted in love and love never fails: your words never fail — because love never fails — and that is all I have ever felt reading you. Your love — His love.
I can never, ever thank you enough for loving us all enough to share your journey with us.
You give us all a reaching hand, and the companionship — to find our true selves.
Wow! Can’t believe that I ran across your reply. It’s a God thing I guess. I just recently called to make an appointment with a counselor..actually feeling ashamed and maybe even “less than” because life was beginning to catch up with me. Thank you for your vulnerability, Ann. Can’t tell you how freeing your response is to me.
Ann, thank you so much for these words. They mean so much to me, more than you could know. I am praying for you as you journey this hard but fruitful road. Peace and love, friend.
I too am at the place where I need someone to talk to about my sense of failure in my writing, relationships and my current daily living. How did you find a competent counselor? I have no one in my church that condones going to someone other than to the Lord. It is an admission of spiritual immaturity and lack of faith in their eyes. I know others who are in the world and they would not give me much other than steps that seem unsteady to me to take. I’m praying about where to go and how to find the special person who can help me get my issues out in the open and deal with them in a godly way.
Where there is no counsel, the people fall;
But in the multitude of counselors there is safety. Prov 11:14
Hi Kathy, First, I’m so sorry you are suffering, friend. I understand, I really do. Even though our circumstances might be different, I hear your heart and I hear where you are.
Second, I respectfully disagree 100% with your church’s stance on professional counseling. I’m not saying we should not go to God in prayer with our burdens, fears, shame, pain, disappointment, heartache. We should definitely do that. But mental health struggles are like any other physical illness – you need both professional and spiritual help. You would never NOT see a medical doctor for diabetes or any other host of diseases or illness, and likewise, you shouldn’t NOT see a mental health professional to help you with psychological struggles.
In terms of finding the right counselor, I would suggest that you ask friends or family members for recommendations. I found my counselor through the recommendation of a good friend. Turns out, my counselor is also a member of my same church, which I didn’t find out till much later. She’s not specifically a “Christian mental health counselor,” though people do specialize in that, but we often talk about spiritual matters side-by-side with mental health matters, and I find that really helpful. If you don’t have friends you can ask, maybe even Googling a few key words like “mental health counselor and Christian” and your town/city would give you a starting place. Sometimes it’s trial and error. Previous to the counselor I see now I saw someone else who didn’t turn out to be a good fit, so I think you have to be willing to experiment and go into it with an open mind, knowing the first person you see might not be the best fit. It’s okay to start with a session or two before deciding to stick with someone long-term.
Spiritual direction is another option to consider. I don’t know your denomination, and I will say that the notion of “spiritual direction” is more widely accepted in some denominations (Catholic, mainline Protestant) than others, but again, Googling “spiritual directors” along with your city/town might yield some leads. I would caution, however, that if you feel you are struggling with depression, rather than frustration, disappointment, failure, etc. it would be wise to start with a mental health professional over a spiritual director, because they have the training/education best suited to address depression, etc.
I will be praying for you, Kathy, as you navigate this new territory. God bless you and peace be with you, friend.
I LOVED your first book and I bought copies to give to friends. And your new book, True You, is just great too. You are so honest about your life and struggles. The rest of us are just ostriches, burying our heads in the sand, denying that we too are broken. When it gets down to it, everyone is broken, for who has achieved perfection? Mostly we don’t even try because we are so far from it,it seems impossible. But fortunately for us, nothing is impossible for God. Keep writing! Keep sharing who you are because you are so amazing!
Thank you, Barbara! And just for the record, I have had SO many ostrich moments! God has gently invited me (and at times, nudged and prodded me) to face my brokenness on a number of different occasions. Often I have resisted, but thankfully, he is persistent. 🙂
Michelle, this is such a beautiful, transparent, and transformative post. Thank you so much for your honesty. You are helping so many, least of whom is me. You didn’t fail. The book failed to sell as you or the publisher would have preferred. Your job was to obey God and write it. It was ultimately His job to sell it, in the sense that He alone controls all outcomes. Having had a book in that position, I do still understand what you are saying. It hurts. It’s a disappointment. I have had to realize that I really have no idea where my book has landed or whose life it has touched, although sometimes God gives me a glimpse, and I’m grateful. In the end, I obeyed and wrote it, as did you. The thing is that you did not give up. You continued to obey God, and you wrote more books. (I haven’t done that, and it’s that that is the failure). I am reminded of that quote by Pres. T. Roosevelt, which states in part, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.” If you are in life’s arena, obeying God, you are succeeding in the best sense, in the way God asks you to. What your post here and what your book also taught me was a lot about brokenness, and that we are all, in fact, broken. I don’t think God can work in our lives till we admit that. I have admitted that more times than I care to count, and God has healed me from failures and sins. But your humble example, helps me to realize afresh that there is a really deep area of brokenness of which I was not even aware. I am so incredibly grateful to you for showing me this through your words and example. I don’t know that even brokenness is a failure in the sense we sometimes mean it. It’s when we pridefully don’t admit it and seek God’s help or others’, such as your seeing the counselor, when we fail. Being broken is the perfect place to be to receive God’s healing mercy, help, grace, and comfort. Thank you beyond words for being willing to share your Tuscany journey, and the ongoing one. You are succeeding in helping others to admit their own brokenness and need for God. I can think of no greater gift than what you are giving right now. God bless you, dear one.
Love
Lynn
Michelle, I would add, so that I am clear, when we fail to do what God says, when we sin, when we rebel in disobedience, then it is imperative that we come to God, broken, repentant, and contrite. We confess humbly before the Lord, asking Him to forgive us and to mend our hearts to wholeness. But failure in the eyes of the world, when we do what God says, and it doesn’t turn out how we think it should, is not failure.
L.
Yes, I agree 100%.
This comment is packed with such good and important wisdom and truth, Lynn. Thank you, as always, for your insightful response.
Michelle,
Thank you for writing about the process itself – the story behind the story you told in your books. Spiritual Misfit was such a success in my eyes I wrote you a fan letter – which I rarely do- and gained a new friend – thank you! I had no idea about this back story, but am so thankful for your honesty and transparency in writing about it here. I’ve spent many hours in counseling this year and I agree wholeheartedly with you about the value of the work. It’s hard but worth it. The truth sets us free!
Love,
Leah
Thank you Michelle!! This spoke directly to me, and I am (finally) reaching out to find a therapist today to help with my defeating feelings of failure. I just read Anne Lamott’s “Almost Everything” and she said this in a section on writing: “Many of the saddest, meanest, most jealous and destructive people I have known or dated have been highly successful writers. So don’t write thinking that publication will fill in the Swiss-cheesy holes in your soul or hoping it will bring you personal improvement, because it won’t. Write because you have to, because the process brings great satisfaction. Write because you have a story to tell, not because you think publishing will make you the person you always wanted to be. There is approximately zero chance of that.” happening.”
This really resonated with me, Michelle, because right now I’m in exactly the same spot you were! How so, you ask? 🙂
I’m waiting for my publisher to decide on my second book proposal. They like the idea, but it all depends on how Growing Forward When You Can’t Go Back (published 2 weeks ago) sells. They’ll give it another month or so, and let me know if they’ll publish my next one. I have no idea how Growing Forward is selling; I’m promoting it when I can, but didn’t do a launch or even organize a street team (shhh, don’t tell anyone 🙂 ).
But we differ in that I have no attachment to their decision. I just started my MDiv this week at Regent College (part-time), and I love it so much! It’s like coming home. So, while it’d be fine to write another book….I know how much work it is! It’s exhausting on all levels, in so many ways. I really am leaving it up to God. “Thy will be done, sweet Lord.” (except I’m leaning slightly one way)
Anyway, I think God is having a chuckle that you endorsed Growing Forward (thanks again!), and now I’m in the exact same position you were for a possible next one. Except that if the publisher actually does offer me a contract, I’ll be frantically seeking counseling, spiritual direction, and God’s discernment more than ever before. Yikes. But…Your will be done, sweet Jesus. xo
Thank you so much, Michelle!
To Him be the glory, and in Him we trust,
Laurie