A few years ago I dramatically pruned the shrubbery in my backyard. For two days I went at it with the loppers, chopping off clumps of foliage, clipping dead twigs, sculpting and reshaping the remaining branches. When I was done, the landscape was transformed.
Noah, our resident Tree Lover, was not pleased – he disdainfully called me Paul Bunyan for weeks afterward – but I loved it. I could see more of the sky and the neighbor’s house across the street. Light streamed into spots that had previously been dank and dark. Though it was still the same size it had always been, the backyard suddenly felt much more spacious – open, airy and inviting.
Still, for about a week after the dramatic pruning, every time I glanced out the sunroom windows into the backyard, I did a double take. The landscape was so different, so unfamiliar – I hardly recognized it. Even though I loved the openness and was glad I’d pruned the shrubbery, my new backyard took some getting used to; I had to reacquaint myself with it.
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A few weeks ago, my friend Kimberly read my blog post about whitewashing the reality of poverty and Voxed me with an idea. It was a good, strong piece, she said, and she suggested I might want to rework it a bit and pitch it to Christianity Today. It was a timely topic, she noted – something she thought would resonate with a broader audience.
I immediately set to work researching other online articles on global poverty and mission work, reviewing Christianity Today’s submissions guidelines and considering how I would reshape the post into an article that might resonate with CT’s audience.
In the middle of that process, though, I became aware of the slightest bit of a pit in my stomach, which in turn prompted me to ask myself a question: Do I actually want to revise this blog post and pitch it as an article to Christianity Today? Do I want to do this work?
At first, in spite of the stomach pit (note to future self: the pit tells the truth!), the answer was not readily apparent, and so I held out the question – Do I want to do this work? – and examined it further. I turned the question around and around and gave myself the space for my true desire to make itself known. I allowed myself to figure out how I actually felt about pursuing this opportunity.
In the end, I realized I did not want to revise my blog post into an article to pitch to Christianity Today. I realized it was, in fact, the very last thing I wanted to do.
Turns out, striving is still my default mode. After a lifetime of pushing to make progress and striving for measurable results, it’s easy, almost mindless, for me to fall into my old habits and rhythms. Striving is familiar terrain for me (and just to be clear: striving to achieve a goal or make progress is not inherently a bad thing; in fact, it can be a very good, very positive thing. But it’s not the thing I want to do right now). On the other hand, this new place I’m now navigating – this place of writing solely for creative pleasure, of writing toward no particular outcome – is still largely unknown and unfamiliar, which makes it equal parts exhilarating and unnerving.
I am discovering that it takes intentionality to learn to live and thrive in a new landscape. I’m learning to slow down rather than steamroll ahead, to look inward at my own needs and desires rather than capitulate to what I think I should do or what I assume is expected of me. I’m learning to ask myself probing questions and then allow the time and space to listen for and hear the answers that come from my soul.
I’ve done some dramatic pruning in my life over these past several months, and while it’s been a fruitful, space-making, life-giving process, and I generally like the results, it’s also taken some getting used to. I am, in many ways, getting reacquainted with myself. I am still navigating this new landscape of me.
Michelle! I love this post. Good for you for listening to your heart. Based on what you have written on the blog and in True You, do you think that in addition perhaps to a kind of knee-jerk reaction to your old striving mode in considering pitching an article . . . that maybe the flattery of someone reaching out to you with such a compliment about your work, and encouraging you to publish it in a well-known magazine was also at play? I am not being presumptuous or critical. I’m merely making an observation based on things as I understand you to have written them. I know, for me, sometimes I’ll say yes before giving an offer due consideration, because I do feel flattered to have my work noticed and appreciated. (And pls. know I am not projecting my response onto yours)! But after due consideration of said offer, I decline, b/c whatever the offer may be is not my heart’s desire or even interest. I also recently resigned from a committee because I realized I had other pressing priorities, and because the tasks expected were not “true me.” I also realized I appreciated the accolades, which shouldn’t have been my main goal in remaining. I love that you are becoming reacquainted with the true you, and that you feel no guilt in pruning what does not belong. It sounds are if you are really carefully studying your inscape, the term Gerard Manley Hopkins coined, which I think is very apropos to your journey now.
Bon voyage and exciting discoveries!!
Always your champion,
xo
Lynn
Yes, the gut always is the best indicator for sure about most things and it sounds like the old temptations flared. I will say that I envy that seemingly you at least have some time to think and ponder. I am so exhausted by a lot going on around me, working full time until I’m at least 70 years (I’m 59), a chronic undiagnosed condition with my husband, an adult child at home because he can’t make enough money to move out, an 85 year old father who lives nearby and needs help. I want nothing but to just have time and some peace to think about things. I pray it comes.
WELL DONE, Michelle! I completely understand the dilemma and appreciate very much how you share your struggles and growth pains. Keep up the good work!
Your taking time to listen to your inner voice (or the pit in your stomach) will absolutely pay off in the end, Michelle. Nothing like uniting to the True You!
Blessings!
I loved reading this! As a blogger I know the feeling! I so enjoy writing on my blog, but whenever I think about writing an article for some periodical, I start thinking about viewpoints I could use and looking at topics trending… and then I say woah! Do I really want to spend my time doing this? Nope. So I continue to enjoy writing my blog, sitting on my back porch, reading books, praying, spending time with my husband, and many things I truly enjoy. Thanks for sharing your thought process.
Thank you so much for this article. I am in the process of walking the journey of finding myself and identifying what God directs for this season of my life. I just turned 71, a widow, and a missionary to the Dominican Republic. I am learning to say no to what I believe is not God’s will for my life. I have lost my identity in what I did instead of being true to what God created me to be. I still love what God has called me to do but tried to be all things for all people. I have found myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. God is good in sending me this article to me at this time. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest with your articles. Margaret Morris Missionary to the Dominican Republic