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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

envy

Let’s Grow Something Beautiful…Together

April 26, 2016 By Michelle

seedsinhands

When I was young I was always the kid who wanted to compare test scores with my peers. You know, the annoying one who asks, “So…what’d you get on the math test?” I was competitive, and I wanted to make sure my grades were at least on par. If I came up short, I often got mad. And jealous.

Truthfully, I haven’t changed all that much, except now I’m a big kid, and my competitiveness shows up not in weekly arithmetic and spelling quizzes but in my career as a writer. My question isn’t, “What’d you get on the grammar test?” but “How many books did you sell this year?” Or “How many Facebook followers do you have?” Or “Who is endorsing your book?”

I don’t always verbalize these questions out loud, but more often than not, I’m thinking them in my head. And if I suspect I am coming up short in comparison, I often react the same way I did as a kid. I get mad. And jealous.

This, of course, is not only infantile, shallow behavior, it’s also short-sighted. When I focus on my accomplishments, or lack thereof, compared to someone else’s, I lose sight of the big picture. I supplant God’s vision of his kingdom here on earth with my own self-interested goals and desires.

God has a clear vision for what his kingdom on earth should and will look like, and he has a job for each one of us to help bring this vision to fruition. In God’s plan, the specifics of who is doing what don’t matter nearly as much as the fact that we are working collaboratively toward one common goal.

Paul put it this way to the Corinthians:

“It’s not important who does the planting and who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together for the same purpose.” (1 Corinthians 3:7-8).

In other words, in my little world as a writer, what’s important isn’t how many books I sell compared to her, or how many Facebook followers I have compared to him, but that I am working together with my peers for the same purpose: to help God grow his kingdom on earth.

handanddirt

gardenboots

gardengloves

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I know how easy it is to get caught up in the comparison game. I know how quickly we can tumble into the pit of insecurity, resentment, and envy. But I also know that training our gaze on our own successes and failures compared to those of our peers does nothing to help further God’s kingdom.

Maybe your job is to plant or to water. Maybe it’s to till the soil, spread fertilizer, pull weeds, or harvest the bounty. Considered in and of itself, your contribution may seem small and unimportant, but remember this: God is using your work to grow his kingdom here on earth.

Only God can take the life within the seed and bring it forth into blooms and fruit, but your small piece – your planting or watering, your tilling or fertilizing – is an important and necessary part of that process.

Let’s not lose sight of our greater purpose. Together, my hand in yours, our hands in God’s, we are helping him grow something beautiful.

Filed Under: envy, New Testament, writing Tagged With: First Corinthians, the writing life

When God Says Stay

January 28, 2016 By Michelle

Column

Not long ago I had dinner with two friends who are both writers and bloggers. We had a great time together that night, chatting and laughing over our soup and salad and bread sticks. At the same time, though, the whole evening we were together I kept feeling an incessant twinge. I felt it in my gut, in the pit of my stomach – a hollowness, an emptiness. I found myself envying them – their readership and platform, which is larger than mine; the number of speaking engagements they are invited to, which is more than I have; the connections they have with other “big-name” authors, which I covet.

Later that night, tucked into the corner of my couch, I wrestled with competing feelings of emptiness and fullness. On one hand I was filled with the nourishing goodness of companionship and camaraderie. On the other hand, I felt depleted by this sense of perpetual needing, longing and discontent. Truth be told, I was more than a little disgusted with myself. These feelings of emptiness and not-enoughness are not new to me. I’ve been fighting this battle for a long time.

A few days later, I read this in Genesis:

“The Lord said to Issac, ‘Do not go down to Egypt. Live in the land where I tell you to live. Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and I will bless you.”

I felt those words were meant for me. I felt those words were speaking to that place of yearning, that place of not enough. Stay here, right where I have you, I heard God saying. Be grateful for what I have already given you, I heard him say. Live in this land, and I will be with you. 

I knew those words were for me, but I didn’t like them. Frustrated with the fact that I’d felt stuck in the same land for a good long time, I was eager to move on to what I thought were bigger and better things. I was ready to do more with the gifts and tools God has given me. But he said no. God said stay. 

Last week I wrote a post about an issue I am passionate about. I wrote it, I edited it, I worked and reworked it, and then I clicked “publish,” just as I’ve done with the thousands of posts before it over the last seven years. Except this time was different. This time the post took on a life of its own. It was shared and shared and shared some more, and I watched, stunned, as the Facebook button at the bottom of the post clicked toward 700 and then 800 and then 1,000 and then beyond.

In seven years of blogging this has never happened to me. For whatever reason, my blog posts are rarely shared more than 30 or 40 times, and typically they are shared far less than that. But on an ordinary Friday in the middle of January, one blog post clicked with people, and it took off.

Long story short, I sent a brief note to a generic email address I had for Huffington Post Religion with a link to that post, and within two hours, an editor there had emailed me back, inviting me to blog for the Huffington Post Religion page. Just like that.

Except not really.

I’ve pitched the Huffington Post a number of times over the last three years, and I’ve never heard a word back. I’ve pitched HuffPost Women. I’ve pitched HuffPost Parents. I’ve pitched HuffPost Religion. To no avail. Two years ago, in one of a dozen conversations I’ve had with my agent about “growing my platform,” she suggested that what I really needed was to leverage a much larger platform, “like the Huffington Post.”

I laughed when she said that. “It’s impossible,” I told her. “It’s never going to happen.”

There’s a reason I’m telling you this story, and it’s not to brag, believe me (for all I know, the Huffington Post will have absolutely no impact on growing my readership!). The reason I’m telling you this story is because I believe that God always, always has our best interests at heart. He knows the places he has for us. He knows the time that is best for us. He knows exactly when we should stay and exactly when we should go.

I’m not the best listener when it comes to God’s direction. In fact, most of the time I’m a terrible listener. I push and pull and rail and complain. When God says no, I say yes. When God says yes, I say no. In fact, there’s a very good chance God simply shook his head and rolled his eyes this week and said, “Fine! Here’s your damn Huffington Post.” {my God swears from time to time}

Seriously, though, I believe this. I believe God knows. He knows when we aren’t ready, even when we think we are. He knows when we are ready, even when we think we aren’t. God knows.

Whatever it is you do, keep doing it, as hard and frustrating as that may be. Know that even when you cannot see it right now, God is blessing the work of your hands. Know that even when you can’t feel his presence, he is watching over your journey through the vast wilderness. Know that God is always with you, and therefore you do not lack. (Deuteronomy 2:7)

Filed Under: enough, envy, trust Tagged With: Huffington Post, the struggle with envy, trusting God, writing

When Comparisons Are Choking the Life Out of You

August 4, 2014 By Michelle

Grass Path Prairie

I sent my husband a text yesterday. A really short text, comprised of just a symbol and a number:

#268,304.

I didn’t need to elaborate. Brad knew. This is the kind of conversation we’ve been having for a while now.

“I would love you the same if you only sold one,” he texted right back.

I smiled. My husband’s patience and encouragement is as deep as the Mariana Trench.

#268,304 was my Amazon book rank that day. It’s been rising steadily since my memoir, Spiritual Misfit, was published back in April, and as I’ve had to remind my mother, “Bigger is not better,” at least when it comes to your book’s Amazon rank.

I’d love to tell you that I’m okay with this, that I’ve surrendered the book to God and am at peace knowing everything is in his good and gracious hands. But that wouldn’t be the whole truth.

…I’m so grateful and excited to be over at Lisa-Jo Baker’s house today, writing about wrestling with the green-eyed monster…See you over there…

Filed Under: comparison, envy, writing Tagged With: a wide-open spacious place, Jealousy and writing, when you can't find your place

The Life God has Ordained for You

February 19, 2014 By Michelle

We stood side-by-side in front of the case, the lunch crowd pressing loud and boisterous behind us. My friend bent down, hands on her knees, to admire the delicate chocolate confections arranged in perfect rows behind the glass. Her hair fell in gentle waves over her shoulders. I watched the man with the white apron tied around his waist watch my friend. Her eyes, blue like the Caribbean, settled on a dark chocolate truffle. His eyes settled on her.

“You like? You want to try, for free?” the man with the apron asked, sliding a truffle from the tray. He looked like an expectant puppy as he handed my friend the chocolate, waiting for her approval, her delight. My friend’s eyes darted toward mine before she took a dainty bite. The man with the white apron didn’t offer a free chocolate to me.

…I’m writing about comparison over at Laura Rath’s place. Will you join me over there?  

Filed Under: comparison, envy, writing, writing and faith Tagged With: comparison, Laura Rath, the struggle with envy, writing, writing and faith

A Divided Loyalty and the Stinging Truth

January 29, 2014 By Michelle

Two weeks ago I watched as the endorsements deadline for my first book came and went. I watched the deadline pass, knowing seven authors hadn’t responded.

Endorsements are the pithy accolades that appear in the opening pages and on the front and back covers of a book. Two months ago I learned from my publisher that it’s the author’s responsibility to ask other writers if they might be willing to take a look at the book and write an endorsement. The emails I dutifully typed to more than a dozen authors were among the most awkward I have ever written, because when it comes right down to it, asking for an endorsement for your book is asking for praise, and asking for praise places you in a position of vulnerability and weakness. Not my favorite place.

I waited. And I cried tears of relief and joy as I read some of the early endorsements that came in. I felt a little like Sally Field at the Oscars. People like my book, they like it, they really like it!

Until, that is, the endorsements stopped coming, and the deadline passed.

…I’m over at Nacole’s place, Six in the Sticks, guest posting for her series on Christian writing and blogging. Join me over there? 

Filed Under: envy, publishing, writing, writing and faith Tagged With: Book of James, Christian writing, the struggle with envy, writing

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a Triple Type A, “make it happen” (my dad’s favorite mantra) striver and achiever (I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, which tells you everything you need to know), but these days my striving looks more like sitting in silence on a park bench, my dog at my feet, as I slowly learn to let go of the false selves that have formed my identity for decades and lean toward uncovering who God created me to be.

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