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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

Spiritual Misfit

I’m an Itchy Christian {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

September 3, 2014 By Michelle

Today we continue the last week of the I am a Spiritual Misfit Series with Alyssa Santos. I’m grateful to have met Alyssa through the Spiritual Misfit book launch team. She writes beautifully – so eloquently and gracefully — and her personal story is nothing short of a-mazing (read a bit about it here). Welcome, Alyssa – thank you so much for sharing some of your story here today!

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“He brought me out into a spacious place;
 he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19

It might have been 1975. My dress was navy blue with full, white sleeves. Its hem rested above my knee and my new, white stockings looked sharp and fresh (although a bit wrinkly at the knees) all the way down to my Mary-Jane shoes.

I was proud to stand beside my three older sisters for the pre-church photo. To match, to look like, to be like them was my highest aspiration. The sun made our eyes squint as we smiled for Daddy to snap the picture of us colored in blue and white and ready for church.

My new dress, sewn by my mom, was also 100% wool.

I itched. I squirmed. I scratched. I wriggled. All through Sunday School.

By the end of the hymn-singing in Big Church, I was about insane. My fair, sensitive skin became inflamed and I had raw, red abrasions at all the seam lines, under my arms, along my torso and back. I didn’t want to go to children’s church. I wanted to go home, and take a bath and put on soft, not-scratchy jammies.

So sad that my blue dress failed me, I insisted that I was allergic to wool. I ran my hand over the skirt as it lay on my bed and wondered how something that seemed so soft could be so painful, how something I wanted so badly could be so wrong for me. How did other people wear wool without reaction? Why did I have to be allergic? I really was sad, deeply disappointed, gypped.

That itchy wool dress is the best way I can describe my relationship with the church. Not Jesus, but his bride. Not God, but the institution. I grew up with memory verses, hymns, flannel-graph bible stories and church potlucks. I wriggled for ages in the confines of the rules and expectations of Christian schools. I grew near-sighted to the imperfections – and imperfect people, myself included – woven into the fabric of the church.

They say a church is a hospital for the spiritually sick to find—like free candy or clean water—mercy unending and a grace unimaginable. Instead, it’s often a place where the mediocre coffee is free and sometimes there are donut holes and the message of the gospel is muffled with the ministrations of spiritual activity.

I have examined the chafing and the raw parts of my soul and asked: how could something so right, so purposed by God, be so wrong for me (or I for it)?

Would I be better off bare and unclothed, free of the confines of the church and all its rules and programs? If it were just “me and Jesus,” moving in those beautiful, melodious unforced rhythms of grace I would know truer joy and freedom.

As a youngster, I worked toward perfection. As a teenager, I strived for non-conformity. As a young adult, I sought independence. I moved through these normal phases and always “the church and God and my parents” were one-in-the-same. If I rebelled, it was never just against my parents’ rules, but against God, too. If I lied, I lied to Jesus, too. If I became angry at injustice or hypocrisy, my anger splashed against God, the church, and my parents, too.

As a full-fledged grown-up, with a husband and a daughter, I found myself repeating the pattern. Perfectionism became my modus operandi.  If I had a perfect husband, I could submit to his leadership. If I had a spotless house and a parenting plan, a balanced checking account, cars in working order, bible study completed each week, meals planned out, budget met, the prayers said – I might fit in the itchy wool wrappings of being a church lady.

That was twenty years ago. In the two decades since, I have not once become more comfortable in my wooly church dress. But I haven’t abandoned it, either. I still wonder, will I ever, ever fit in? Do I want to?

No. I am and will always be a church misfit. Yet I have always fit in with Jesus. He alone authored my faith. He alone is my Savior, Redeemer, Friend, Comforter, Creator, my Rock and my Strong Tower. And he’s given me permission to cast off perfectionism: Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. (Galatians 5:1, The Message)

The uncomfortable tension I have with the church led me into a spacious place of grace with my savior. There’s room here for you, too.

Alyssa SantosAlyssa Santos plays with words. She also plays in the dirt, in the kitchen and at the lake.  She and her husband have four children, ages 10 to twenty. She began blogging as a personal experiment in June 2011. In August 2011, Alyssa and her family were hit by a drunk driver. Alyssa suffered critical injuries and nearly died.  However, God saw fit to keep her here a little longer. Life took on a surreal and fragile beauty in the weeks after the accident and she began to see the gift in living in moments graced. Because all life’s moments are graced, it’s all gift. In the months of recovery, Alyssa wrote through the process of pain and learning to walk again, living with limitations and staying connected, however tenuously, to her source of joy, in search of grace-gifts. Rocks. Roots. Wings. , Alyssa’s blog, is a safe place where grace and truth and the nitty-gritty come together. She’s known Jesus as her savior since she was a little girl, and she’s come to learn that he is always saving her, always redeeming the moments, the time, the hurts and the questions. She is currently working on her memoir, studying how to write fiction, trying to grow potatoes and renovating a little lake cabin they’ve named Grace Cottage.

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

Messiah'sMisfitpin

Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: Alyssa Santos, I am a Spiritual Misfit Series

She’s a Renegade {or The Years I Found My Own Walk with God — I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

September 1, 2014 By Michelle

This week we wrap up the I am a Spiritual Misfit Series with three final posts, and today we welcome Nacole Simmons. I had the absolute pleasure of meeting Nacole at the Jumping Tandem Retreat in April 2013. I find her honest heart and her authentic approach to faith refreshingly rare, and I know you’ll find Nacole as delightful as I do.  {Pssst: Nacole has graciously offered to give away a copy of Spiritual Misfit. All you have to do to be eligible for the random drawing is leave a comment on this blog post below. Thanks!}

BelovedMisfitpin2 So I came outside to lie on a blanket to write, spread out over the cool summer grass. I was slowly rocking back and forth on the porch swing, and words started flooding in. It’s usually like that.

I find myself fascinated by all the things that make summer surreal. The mocking jay, the katydids, and locusts, butterflies and dragonflies. The grass so green, it seems I’m wrapped up tightly in life’s cocoon. Rain seems to bubble up from the ground like an aquifer.

The sun loves me, plays sensually on my skin and I let it. I blush red and hot, walk around like I’m unaware. But I like this succinct awareness I feel, of my own naked skin.

The warmth travels through my whole body and I’m on fire. I feel it in my innermost places. I walk a fine line of feeling so alive—ridiculous vivaciousness—and keeping my feet planted on the ground. But I’ll never give up my wings.

I don’t feel I fit, so I feel I have to explain to people—I’m a renegade. The most important thing to me is honesty. It’s important to me that I don’t compromise who I am to please others. If I don’t have my integrity, my purpose is lost.

Many times, in many different situations—whether a Christian conference or retreat, or at church, or at educational co-ops  when my kids were homeschooled—I have often struggled with feeling I belonged. I have a hard time believing people get me. My ways of knowing God don’t seem to exist within the confines of traditional pews and assigned seats on a Sunday morning.

I am the girl with the spiked hair, I wear short blue jean shorts over my swim suit and I want a tattoo and I do think about surgery after nursing four babies and my body could not quite hold up to it. I was scolded by a friend for these things. But I think God has as much of an opinion about surgery as He does about whether I eat vanilla or chocolate ice cream or whether I decide to go with a Paleo diet or Vegetarian diet. Paul did tell us that it is not about whether we eat meat or we don’t eat meat—do all that we do as unto the Lord.

So I take these words literally to mean that the outside things don’t matter to God. Let’s stop and think about that. What do we do with this knowledge? When we run into a new girl at church covered in tattoos, will we avoid her because we feel awkward, assuming there’s no common ground? Will we match straight up to her and in our best Sunday morning hallelujah voice invite her to keep coming to service and let her know when the recovery services are held? Or will we recognize that regardless of her tattoos and rough edges, she’s got a heart just like us? If you see me out and about–please–just treat me like a normal human being. And I hope I do the same for you.

I’m living my life audaciously as the unique person God created me to be. We need to not judge the misfits. Perhaps they are the only ones being 100 percent honest. Feeling judged and shunned is what led me away from the church and what has caused me to be isolated. But I still know God.

I feel God here—when I feel most alive in the earth—when I’m being true to my rebel nature and testing the elements—then I know for sure God exists. When I feel light causing my skin to tingle. And I sense His protection and that He’s wooing me and taking care of me as a husband does. And then when the ground is drenched and sloshes half-way up my winter clogs, and the tiny buds on Sand Plum trees finally burst into bloom and I see mother blue jays attending their nests so faithfully, then I sense the female side of God, the side that nurtures and gathers under her wing.

I have written about Jesus meeting me in some unnamed field. Perhaps this place I’m at with God is unmarked, unnamed, not special. But I have felt the breath and I have seen the visible evidence of God’s stirrings. So I will mark it –with something. I know not yet what that will be. Perhaps there will be a memory and a name seared on my heart forever at the end of it all—The Years I Found My Own Walk with God.

Nacole Simmons2Nacole is a non-conformist, artist, day-dreamer, and fashion-loving southern mom of four girls, lover to one good, steady, car-building, art-creating man. They call home the Deep South, where she spends weekends with books in the hammock, running around the lake, or roasting marshmallows over a bonfire with her kids. Honest to a fault, and preferring deep conversations to small talk, she speaks straight to the elephant in the room. A lover of the hurting , the shunned, and the un-churched, she’s convinced Jesus was serious when he said he came for the sick. Stuffing the sacred just doesn’t cut it, so her words often edge toward the radical, the raw, and the real. This is holy ground, and you are invited in. Stop by to visit with Nacole on her blog, Six in the Hickory Sticks or on her Writer Facebook page. 

Nacole has graciously offered to give away a copy of Spiritual Misfit. To be eligible for the random drawing, just leave a comment on this blog post, and we’ll enter you. Thank you!

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

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Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: I am a Spiritual Misfit Series, Nacole Simmons

When You Don’t Fit the Stereotype {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

August 29, 2014 By Michelle

I love, love, love this story by Amanda Holland (that’s three loves, people!), because she so honestly and eloquently gets at the heart of what God wants us to know about his love for us. Come alongside and laugh a little bit with Amanda as shares some of her struggles with being a pastor’s wife. And then be sure to stop by her place to say hi. Welcome, Amanda!

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Introvert. Painfully shy. Bookworm. Dreamer. Pastor’s wife?

God has a sense of humor. Fifteen years ago, I was a college sophomore, English lit major and vegetarian when I fell in love with a pastor who spent his spare time deer hunting. I was the girl who planned to get her master’s degree and date at least a year before getting engaged. Instead, I dropped out of college after my sophomore year when that pastor proposed to me after only three weeks of dating. I’m pretty sure God was laughing the whole time.

I knew my life was about to change, so I tried to prepare. During our engagement, I got to know the members of the church Robby pastored. We went to premarital counseling, including a session with a minister who focused specifically on the stresses of being a pastor’s wife. But no amount of counseling could prepare me for being thrust into the spotlight when our honeymoon was over and my new life began. It didn’t take long for my confidence to shatter.

I’m not your “stereotypical” pastor’s wife. I don’t sing…at least not in public. I don’t play piano, or any other instrument. I’m not comfortable in large groups. I don’t like public speaking, unless I’m talking to children. Being a pastor’s wife was taking me way out of my comfort zone.

One night, as the service in our small country church ended, Robby did the unthinkable – he asked me to close the service in prayer. I panicked. As I fumbled around for words, only one sentence came through loud and clear: “I’ll pass.” I think our congregation got a good laugh out of it, but I couldn’t tell for sure over my heart pounding.

That moment highlighted a struggle that lasted months. I felt so inadequate as a pastor’s wife. I grew up in church. I asked Jesus into my heart at five years old. I loved Him – but I felt like a failure. I couldn’t live up to the expectations others had for me. Other people were so comfortable praying or teaching or being in the limelight. I fumbled over my words and wanted to go hide somewhere. I was a misfit.

It took some time, but God began to show me that I didn’t have to live up to any stereotypes. He didn’t call me to change and be like someone else – He called me to embrace my own gifts and live out the passions He gave me, like children’s ministry and writing.  (And my husband learned not to call on me to pray during service. Ever.)

The best part is, God doesn’t quit working. The past few years have brought massive changes – earning my degree (thirteen years after dropping out of college), pursuing writing, and an ever growing passion for children’s ministry. He is showing me how to honor Him by being uniquely who He created me to be.

I’m not a misfit—I’m His.

AmandaHollandAmanda Holland is a pastor’s wife, mom of two boys and a Yorkie, and registered dental hygienist.  She writes fiction and blogs at Grace In Our Moments (graceinourmoments.blogspot.com). Her writing has appeared in Splickety magazine, Splickety Love, and on various websites, including The MOB Society and Inspired to Action.

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

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Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: Amanda Holland, I am a Spiritual Misfit Series

The Misfit Religion {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

August 22, 2014 By Michelle

I am so grateful to Christine Organ for graciously taking the time to explain Unitarian Universalism, a religion that’s always intrigued yet puzzled me. Christine also wrote a beautiful post about grace here last August, and you can connect with her on her blog, and on Facebook and Twitter. Welcome back, Christine!

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“We are the certain and the seeking, the lifers and the newcomers, the beloved and the broken-hearted, the insiders and the rejected, all of whom have found a home in the extraordinary, yet intimate communities of Unitarian Universalism.”
—
Melissa Harris-Perry (MSNBC host)

 I suppose you could say that I became a spiritual misfit about eight years ago.

Until that point, I had considered myself to be a Christian. Raised within Catholicism, my inherited faith was more than the celebration of Christmas and Easter, genuflecting and signs of the cross; it was an entire way of life. Christianity provided me with an identity, connection, and a sense of belonging.

So when I was flooded with doubts eight years ago and realized with a soul-shocking certainty that, in order to be true to myself and my beliefs, I needed to leave my inherited faith, the impact was…well…significant, to say the least.

I didn’t know how to deal with the doubts and questions. I didn’t know where I belonged or what made sense. I felt lost and confused and disillusioned with religion. I felt frustrated and angry and kind of sad. I felt alone. Very, very alone.

Yet, oddly, amidst all of the doubts and loss of religious identity, I also felt an incredible freedom and a fierce nugget of determination to find a spiritual community that made sense for me, where I belonged, where I might not feel quite so alone.

I talked to people, I asked questions, and I researched. Finally, one night, my sister said, “Maybe you’re Unitarian?”

Hmmm….maybe…I thought… but what the heck is a Unitarian?

As it turns out, my sister was right – Unitarian Universalism is exactly where I belong. It is where I find spiritual fulfillment, where I experience God, where I feel connected and a little less alone.

As a somewhat fringe religion – with a confusing mouthful of a name, no less – many people have never even heard of Unitarian Universalism. And even those people who have heard of it still might not really understand what it is. Heck, there are times when even I have a really hard time explaining just what it is.

Some people assume it’s a religion of atheists; others mistakenly call it “Christianity Lite.” And while there certainly are atheists and Christians who consider themselves to be Unitarian Universalists, both of these characterizations are, of course, vast over-generalizations of what Unitarian Universalism is and who Unitarian Universalists are.

So what is Unitarian Universalism? And who are we?

Well, it is a diverse and progressive religion. It is a non-creedal religion. It is a questioning religion, and a seeking religion. In many ways, Unitarian Universalism is a misfit religion.

Despite the common assumption that it is a relatively new religion, Unitarian Universalism is actually the combination of two religious groups that have been around for hundreds of years – Unitarians who traditionally believed in a unified source (rather than the Trinity) and Universalists who traditionally were progressive Christians who believed that everyone was saved regardless of religious belief. Some of the more well-known historical Unitarians or Universalists include Louisa May Alcott, John Adams, Susan B. Anthony, Charles Dickens, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Benjamin Franklin, and e.e. cummings.

Today, Unitarian Universalism has evolved into something much wider and deeper and more amorphous than its traditional roots. Simply put, Unitarian Universalism is an open and accepting and seeking faith. And while there is no prescribed doctrine to which Unitarian Universalists must adhere, there is a commitment to encourage spiritual growth and honor each individual’s personal faith journey.

Of course, I couldn’t begin to tell you what Unitarian Universalism means for everyone, but I can tell you what it means to me. Unitarian Universalism, to me, means an evolving faith that lives and breathes and grows along with my own life experiences. It means an arms-wide-open sense of wonder, a faith that is brave enough to imagine the unimaginable. It means a gossamer web of connection through all that is and all that was and all that will be. It means questioning and doubting, reexamining and reconsidering. It means a definition of God that is synonymous with love and grace and forgiveness. Unitarian Universalism, for me, means belonging and connection and feeling a little less alone. It means coming home after a long and exciting journey. 

And what that journey and subsequent homecoming has taught me is that maybe the doubts aren’t something to hide from; maybe the doubts are just part of the process, part of one’s faith journey. And like all great adventures, maybe the faith journey is supposed to be a little scary and a little exhilarating, filled with hard lessons and opportunities to grow. Maybe the doubts are just stepping stones for us to stand on as we stumble along on our spiritual path.

Because what I have learned is that it isn’t the doubts or the questions that make someone a spiritual misfit. It isn’t the evolving faith or the differences of opinion. It isn’t even leaving an inherited faith for an authentic faith that makes someone a spiritual misfit.

It’s taking the first step onto that rugged and uncertain path. It’s having the courage to welcome the doubts and ask the tough questions. It’s saying “I don’t know” and “maybe” every once in a while. It’s faith sharing and dialogue and acceptance. It’s feeling our way around in the dark, desperately trying to make some sense out of this crazy world in the best way we know how.

Maybe those are the things that make someone a spiritual misfit. And if that’s the case, I’m proud to call myself – and everyone else setting off on their personal faith journey, for that matter – a misfit, a Beloved Misfit.

Because, together, as spiritual misfits, we’re all a little less alone.

Author’s Note: If you would like to understand Unitarian Universalism a little better, I highly recommend “100 Questions that Non-Members Ask About Unitarian Universalism.”

ChristineOrgan2Christine Organ is an author, blogger, and freelance writer. Her first book – a collection personal essays that celebrates grace, wonder, and everyday miracles – will be published late 2014 or early 2015. She writes on her website about faith, hope, love, and the human condition. In her previous life, she was a practicing attorney and she continues to resurrect parts of that past life as a freelance writer within the legal industry. She lives in the Chicago area with her husband and their two young sons, a lizard, a fish, and a couple of naughty-but-lovable dogs. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and her website.

 

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

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Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: Christine Organ, I am a Spiritual Misfit Series, Unitarian Universalism

A Journey of Life and Grace {I am a Spiritual Misfit Series}

August 15, 2014 By Michelle

I “met” Marie Bride just this past winter, when she participated in the online writing group Kimberly Coyle and I co-hosted for (in)courage. I love Marie’s sweet sense of humor and her brave willingness to plunge into a new writing group. Welcome, Marie — fellow misfit! {you can also connect with Marie on Twitter and Facebook}.

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In the beginning of 2014 I was blessed to participate in an online writing group where Michelle was one of the leaders; this allowed me to observe her wit and humor from a perspective of “tell me more.”

Later that spring, I joined the Spiritual Misfit launch team. The only problem, however, was that I joined late, so I was unable to receive a complimentary copy of the book. But where there is a will there is a way!

Not long after, I was checking my Facebook timeline and emails on my cell phone (which is not one of those fancy iPhones), and suddenly yelled out to my mother, “I won Spiritual Misfit! I’m in!” as my brother and nieces always say.

Thank You, Jesus!

When I opened the package a few days later, I discovered that Kimberly, the blogger who had hosted the giveaway, had specially wrapped the book and included a handwritten personalized note: “From one Spiritual Misfit to another. Thanks for entering the giveaway. Happy Reading! All the best, Kimberly.”

I decided not just to keep this gift to myself but to read it out loud to my mother. We are opposites – she is very outspoken and and I am an introvert.

Together we laughed till our sides hurt and cried with Michelle’s frustrations and doubts…which brings me to my own tale of misfittedness, which begins just before my third birthday.

We had moved from Michigan to California. I can still remember my mother’s announcement like it was yesterday: we were expecting a new addition to our family in the not-so-distant future.  As much as my two-and-a-half-year-old young mind could comprehend the situation, I knew I was not happy. I understood that my little world, which up to that point had been all mine, would soon be shared with a sibling.

Couldn’t I have just gotten a puppy or something?

MarieBrideI was coached and prepared to become the older sister — a process which included a photography session for a special Father’s Day photo, a gift for my dad. Dressed in a pink Swiss polka-dot party dress with matching bottoms, I was permitted to hold my favorite teddy bear in the photo. Teddy and I smiled and poised for the camera. Later, however, my misfittedness was obvious to all who saw the photograph. The picture, with Teddy’s leg caught in a ruffle, revealed I was wearing an unmatching pair of pants beneath the polka-dot dress. I finally admitted I had changed into the yellow bottoms without mom knowing after I’d wet the matching pink polka-dot pair.

Of course this is just one small story in a lifetime as a misfit on a journey of life and grace.

As I read and reread the many reviews, blog posts and comments from the Spiritual Misfit launch team, I am truly amazed at how many people find a true and sincere connection, a personal relationship, if you will, to Misfittedness.

The truth is, we are all spiritual misfits, and I am one of Christ’s misfits as well.

“My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Click here to purchase Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith. Click here to read all the posts in the I am a Spiritual Misfit series.

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Filed Under: guest posts, Spiritual Misfit Tagged With: I am a Spiritual Misfit Series

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a Triple Type A, “make it happen” (my dad’s favorite mantra) striver and achiever (I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, which tells you everything you need to know), but these days my striving looks more like sitting in silence on a park bench, my dog at my feet, as I slowly learn to let go of the false selves that have formed my identity for decades and lean toward uncovering who God created me to be.

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