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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

taking a leap of faith

It Begins with the Leap

May 1, 2013 By Michelle

I watch him for a while as he swings across the pool from one dangling ring to the next. He makes it look so easy, so effortless, soaring over the water like a gymnast. “I’m going to try that,” I announce to my husband, heaving myself out of the water. “I’m going to try those ring things.”

“Really? I think it’s a lot harder than it looks,” Brad says.

“Yeah, well, I’m going to try it anyway,” I say, striding toward the line.

No matter that I have arms like silly string. No matter that I can muster a total of six man-style push-ups. I will master the rings. I will soar from ring to ring across the pool like Jane of the Jungle.

I get in line, shivering behind six beefy-armed men. The fact that there are no other women in the line gives me slight pause. The one man I’d watched earlier continues to glide over the water each time his turn comes, grabbing and releasing the rings in a graceful rhythm. I keep my eye on him, studying his technique, watching his timing.

When it’s finally my turn, I wipe my hands on my bare legs and grab the ring with my right hand. And then I take a giant step back and leap off the edge of the concrete.

I don’t even make it to the second ring. Instead, I swing forward, paw at the air with my left hand, miss the second ring entirely and then swing back again. I neglect to let go of the ring in time. My body hits the concrete wall, and I slide like a dead fish into the cold water.

I come up sputtering, a crowd of onlookers peering over the side of the pool, calling down, “Are you okay?” One guy simply says, “Whoa.”

Noah still talks about “the time Mommy hit the pool wall and fell into the water with everyone watching.” I shudder when I think what I must have looked like, flailing gawkily in my tankini, my body smacking the wall like a side of beef on a hook.

Still, I don’t regret trying the Tarzan rings. Despite my damaged ego, I’m glad I gave it my best shot.

I’ve leaped a lot in my life, especially in recent years. I leaped into moving to Nebraska (okay, maybe we call that one “was dragged against her will”). I leaped into faith. I leaped into writing. Most recently I’ve leaped into public speaking. At some point in the midst of all these leaps, I’ve smacked into a wall – a wall of disappointments, doubts, failures, frustrations and fear.

Leaping is scary. Yet I also believe that despite the risks and the fear, it’s necessary. Because if you don’t ever leap, you won’t ever know what could have been. And what could have been might have made all the difference.

For me, leaping has made the difference between unbelief and faith. It’s made the difference between living passively and living passionately. It’s made the difference between existing comfortably in the box and thriving in the wild open.

It’s true, sometimes when you leap you fall; sometimes you smack hard into a wall and get the wind knocked clean out of you. But sometimes you soar. You may not realize it in the moment, but in leaping you are soaring into the start of something new, something beautiful and life-changing and good.

It all begins with the leap.

Tell me, what leap has made the biggest difference in your life? 

: :

This story ran last Saturday in the Lincoln Journal Star.

{and I know I’ve used this picture of Rowan leaping into a Minnesota lake a bunch of times on this blog, but I can’t help myself – it’s such a great picture, and that kid is absolutely fearless!}

Filed Under: doubt, faith, fear, take a risk, unbelief, writing Tagged With: taking a leap of faith

When You Feel Like You’re Way Out of Your League

December 5, 2012 By Michelle

Rowan jumping into a lake in the Minnesota Boundary Waters. Clearly he doesn’t have the same reservations about leaping that I do.

“It shouldn’t be hagiography,” I hear him say on the other end of the line, and I nod, replying, “Oh right, of course. Yeah, that totally makes sense.”

That’s what I say to my brand-new editor during our very first telephone conversation to discuss the 50 Women book. But what I’m thinking is this: “Hagi-wha-wha-what??!!! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh I have no idea what he’s talking about. How in the world am I going to write a book when I can’t even understand the vocabulary my editor is using?! This is not going to work, this is totally not going to work, I’m not cut out for this. I can’t do this. I am. In. Over. My. Head.”

After we hang up I sit on the floor, staring at my notebook. I’d scrawled hageography in the middle of the white page (I spelled it wrong, of course), with about sixteen questions marks after it. Should I quit, I wonder? Should I email Rachelle and tell her they’d better find someone else to write the book, someone who knows what hagiography means for crying out loud? I mean clearly I’m not the right person to write this book. Clearly I’m not smart enough. I had to fake intelligence in my very first conversation with my editor for heaven’s sake. Surely that can’t be a good sign.

I didn’t email Rachelle that day. I didn’t quit the book before I’d even begun. Instead, I Googled hagiography (hagiography: biography of saints or venerated persons), and then I prayed desperately for wisdom and guidance and took a leap into a project I felt hugely unqualified to tackle.

I know I’ve said it here before, but it bears repeating: God expects us to leap – to step outside of our comfort zone, to get uncomfortable, unsure of ourselves, afraid.

Because you know what? When we leap, we trust.

When I’m all comfortable and cozy in my routine, I can tell you six ways to Sunday that I trust God, but that’s because it’s easy. Real trust happens when I take a leap of faith. When I’m insecure, doubtful, hesitant, afraid, awkward. When I don’t know what in the world I’m doing.

Real trust happens when we’re not in control.

That day on the phone, when my editor dropped the word hagiography into our conversation all casual like he was talking about the ham and cheese Subway sandwich he’d eaten for lunch, I was not in control. I had a decision to make right then and there. I could retreat into my comfortable status quo where nothing was threatening or foreign and I felt sufficiently smart. Or I could take a leap of faith into the uncomfortable unknown.

I leaped. And so far I have no regrets.

So what about you? When have you taken a leap of faith when you felt way out of your league?

 

Filed Under: comfort, control, trust, writing and faith Tagged With: 50 Women Every Christian Should Know, taking a leap of faith, trusting God

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a Triple Type A, “make it happen” (my dad’s favorite mantra) striver and achiever (I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, which tells you everything you need to know), but these days my striving looks more like sitting in silence on a park bench, my dog at my feet, as I slowly learn to let go of the false selves that have formed my identity for decades and lean toward uncovering who God created me to be.

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