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Michelle DeRusha

Every Day Faith. Faith Every Day.

when you can't hear God

When You Can’t Hear God through the Noise {day 23}

October 28, 2013 By Michelle

I sit in the third row of the shuttle bus, my head against the cool window, stuffed carry-on perched heavily on my lap. One row behind me two women process their conference experience together as the bus lurches toward the airport. They’re giddy, their conversation punctuated with bursts of laughter, their voices ringing with passion. I close my eyes and press my temple to the glass.

Let’s be clear: the conference I attended this past weekend was in many ways a rich, productive, valuable experience. I connected with online friends in real life – people I love and cherish; people who know me and make me laugh until I’m out of breath. I also met several movers and shakers in the publishing industry – editors, writers and speakers – and I learned so much from them in our short time together, it will take weeks to download it all from my brain.

But I also learned something else this weekend, something I’d suspected but never fully admitted to myself. I learned that Christian conferences don’t necessarily fill my soul, even when I expect them to.

Over and over I heard we would leave the conference changed, moved, responsive, renewed, called. Yet all weekend long, all I felt was unchanged, unmoved, unresponsive, uncalled.

People prayed from the stage and my mind wandered. Worshippers praised God with arms raised and bodies swaying to the music, and I slipped out the back door. Speakers preached fervently, passionately, on fire for God, their voices choked with emotion, and my heart beat hollow in my chest. Conference attendees talked about how they heard from the Lord, or were being called by the Lord, or were following the lead of the Lord, and I heard nothing, felt nothing, was led nowhere.

I felt very badly about this. I felt like a failure. What kind of believer leaves a Christian conference feeling emptier and lonelier and more confused than when she’d arrived? What kind of believer spends a weekend surrounded by preachers, praisers and Spirit-filled sisters and departs an empty husk, a pile of dry bones? What in the world was wrong with me?

: :

Last night as I pulled the mini-van to the curb, I saw my three boys lined up on the front stoop, waiting for me. The house glowed in the dusk, every window lit, the illuminated skull hanging lopsided behind the front panes. Later, trinkets from the trip dispensed, my suitcase half-unpacked, I nestled under the threadbare comforter with Noah, Brad on the other end the couch, the Vikings vs. the Packers on the television, a plate of homemade apple pie in my hands.

This morning the runner in the blue fleece passed me on the path, just like he does every day, his nylon pants swishing, his German shepherd’s leash jangling a rhythmic tune. Two chickadees traded calls as the rising sun painted a mosaic on a palette of autumn leaves. My breath frosted the morning air, sneakers tapping a soothing beat on the concrete.

This where I find God, in my everyday place, with my everyday people. This is where I see him and hear him best – right here, in the ordinary, in the routine, in the familiar. The call of the chickadees is my hymn. The chipped coffee table is my altar. The three boys who wait for me on the front stoop as darkness falls are my church.

Turns out, there was nothing wrong with me at all. I simply hadn’t been able to hear God through all the noise.

Have you ever been disappointed to find that you couldn’t hear or see or experience God when you expected to? 

 

Filed Under: 31 Days to an Authentic You Tagged With: 31 Days to an Authentic You, when you can't hear God

Hear It on Sunday, Use It on Monday: When You Can’t Hear God Calling

October 13, 2013 By Michelle

[On Mondays – well, technically, Sundays, I am stepping away from 31 Days of Authentic You to host the #HearItUseIt community.]

About 18 months ago I stood precariously on the edge of indecision as I grappled with whether to leave my part-time job of 10 years to pursue writing full-time. I hemmed and hawed, made lists of pros and cons and vacillated wildly, one day declaring to myself that I would stay, the next day insisting I would make the leap.

It was a difficult time, fraught with anxiety, fear and trepidation. The trouble was, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out if I was hearing God calling me in a particular direction, or if I was simply wanting to hear him call me in a particular direction. I think that’s often the case when we are mired in indecision. We simply aren’t sure that we are hearing God correctly. Often it’s unclear whether we are following his will or our own.

The verses we read about young Samuel this week reminded me of that period of indecision in my own life. When God called in the middle of the night, Samuel mistook his voice for that of his mentor, the priest Eli. Each time God called out, “Samuel!” the boy jumped out of bed and answered Eli, “Hear I am; you called me,” to which Eli responded, “Go back to bed. I didn’t call your name.” The two went back and forth like this until finally, after the third time, Eli realized Samuel wasn’t hearing random voices but the voice of God calling down to him. He told Samuel to return to bed and instructed him to reply, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening,” when he heard the voice call down to him again.

One of the key points in this story is that Eli recognized the voice of God when Samuel did not. Eli realized Samuel was being called by God long before the young boy recognized the voice of God himself.

We all need an Eli in our life – someone who hears the voice of God when we can’t. Someone who can discern when God is calling us and point us in a direction that aligns with God’s will.

Back when I was wrestling with whether or not to leave my job, two Elis offered me counsel and direction: my friend Deidra and my husband Brad. Both helped me recognize that the yearning I felt to pursue full-time writing wasn’t simply a personal desire, but a call from God. Both Deidra and Brad helped me sort through the conflicting voices I thought I heard and zero in on the only voice that mattered. I’m not sure I would have been able to leap confidently without their wise and discerning advice.

It’s not easy to identify the voice of God. There’s a lot of noise out there, multiple distractions and myriad, conflicting forces – not the least of which is our own ego – all pushing and pulling us in different directions. We all need an Eli to help us sort through the detritus. We all need an Eli to tell us when God is calling, especially if we can’t hear his voice ourselves.

Questions for Reflection:
Has an Eli in your life ever helped you discern the voice of God? Can you think of one to two people who might serve in that capacity, should the need ever arise? Have you ever served as an Eli in someone else’s life?

::

Welcome to the Hear It on Sunday, Use It on Monday community, a place where we share what we are hearing from God and his Word each week. If you’re here for the first time, click here for more information.

Please include the Hear It, Use It button (grab the code below) or a link in your post, so your readers know where to find the community if they want to join in — thank you!

Please also try to visit and leave some friendly encouragement in the comment box of at least one other #HearItUseIt participant. And if you want to tweet about the community, please use the #HearItUseIt hashtag.

Thank you — I am so grateful that you are here!

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Filed Under: calling, listening for God, Old Testament, Use It on Monday Tagged With: Hear It on Sunday Use It on Monday, Old Testament, when you can't hear God

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a Triple Type A, “make it happen” (my dad’s favorite mantra) striver and achiever (I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, which tells you everything you need to know), but these days my striving looks more like sitting in silence on a park bench, my dog at my feet, as I slowly learn to let go of the false selves that have formed my identity for decades and lean toward uncovering who God created me to be.

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